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Source: youtube/20230303-WX5SHE6mzjQ-The Fix Episode 01.mkv
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00:00:01.240 Speaker 1 This is The Fix.
00:00:05.160 Speaker 1 The Fix is a podcast about how to fix being unhappy,
00:00:11.920 Speaker 1 feeling like you have no control,
00:00:14.900 Speaker 1 you have no productivity, you have no self-credibility. It's, it's
00:00:20.880 Speaker 1 the fix for feeling like everything is wrong around you and wrong in your life, and
00:00:26.780 Speaker 1 you don't know what to do anymore.
00:00:30.500 Speaker 1 This is the fix for that.
00:00:33.500 Speaker 1 I'm Steven, and for better or worse, I feel like I have a chaotic brain, meaning
00:00:39.920 Speaker 1 I have to work every day to be happy.
00:00:45.480 Speaker 1 Now, I'm happy to do it, and it's meaningful work, but it's work, you know?
00:00:52.040 Speaker 1 My brain slides into chaos basically by default and pretty quickly.
00:00:58.640 Speaker 1 So The Fix is kind of like therapy in a podcast, but to be clear, it's not
00:01:04.220 Speaker 1 therapy. I'm not licensed in anything. I'm not your accountant, lawyer, doctor, or
00:01:09.640 Speaker 1 therapist, and this isn't advice in any of those ways. This is a conversation
00:01:15.380 Speaker 1 between me and a hypothetical version of myself who has not yet learned
00:01:21.560 Speaker 1 all of the things that I've learned through much, much pain and quite a lot
00:01:27.560 Speaker 1 of perseverance. So,
00:01:32.000 Speaker 1 if you can do little more than press play and keep listening to this podcast, you
00:01:38.060 Speaker 1 may find inspiration for how to be happy, how to have control, how to
00:01:43.980 Speaker 1 be healthy and productive, to love yourself and feel like you can
00:01:50.000 Speaker 1 human again.
00:01:53.080 Speaker 1 This is based on a lot of conversations with my friends, and they'll find their way
00:01:56.300 Speaker 1 into these hypothetical scenarios, I'm sure, but for the most part, it's all me.
00:02:01.980 Speaker 1 I'm talking to myself.
00:02:06.060 Speaker 1 And
00:02:09.580 Speaker 1 you'll have to forgive me because I, I do speak faster than I think. Many of the
00:02:13.660 Speaker 1 conversations will be winding, and I won't continue to apologize for that.
00:02:19.800 Speaker 1 Now, let's get started. First of all, I've already told you two lies. One is the
00:02:25.460 Speaker 1 lie of the name of the podcast itself. There's nothing to fix.
00:02:32.300 Speaker 1 You're not broken. I-- [chuckles] Like,
00:02:36.920 Speaker 1 even that is already language that is not useful, and you're going to stop using
00:02:42.080 Speaker 1 this. The conversation with myself starts now. Remember that, listener. I'm talking
00:02:46.800 Speaker 1 to myself. You're just listening in, but if you can associate with my past self,
00:02:53.280 Speaker 1 that's fine.
00:02:55.940 Speaker 1 You're not broken.
00:02:58.480 Speaker 1 That language is broken, if anything.
00:03:02.300 Speaker 1 You're fine. You're dysfunctional, and you're clearly unhappy. You don't have
00:03:08.300 Speaker 1 what you want in life, or you think you don't. You may not even have the motivation
00:03:15.060 Speaker 1 to want the motivation anymore, and that's okay. But the very first
00:03:21.040 Speaker 1 thing we're going to work on
00:03:24.040 Speaker 1 is the language. You are not broken. Accept that, and
00:03:29.980 Speaker 1 we can move forward. Do you accept?
00:03:35.900 Speaker 1 Good. All right. You're not broken. Stop using that language. Okay?
00:03:41.500 Speaker 1 However, we can get you to feeling healthy and happy.
00:03:49.060 Speaker 1 The second lie I've told you, eh, I've implied. I'm not going to fix you.
00:03:55.380 Speaker 1 I can't fix you. One person cannot fix another. I'll say that again
00:04:01.640 Speaker 1 because people keep trying. It doesn't work. All it will do is make
00:04:07.400 Speaker 1 them resent you.
00:04:10.900 Speaker 1 However, one person can help another fix
00:04:16.640 Speaker 1 themselves,
00:04:19.220 Speaker 1 and that's what we're going to do. However, remember the first lie. You're not
00:04:25.180 Speaker 1 broken. There's nothing to fix. If you start from the premise that you
00:04:31.240 Speaker 1 are broken,
00:04:33.620 Speaker 1 you will not be able to improve. You may not be where you want to be in life. You
00:04:38.960 Speaker 1 may not have what you want to have. You may be depressed. You may have no
00:04:44.300 Speaker 1 motivation. You may feel universally reviled inside and out. But you are not
00:04:50.680 Speaker 1 broken.
00:04:53.000 Speaker 1 Okay,
00:04:54.880 Speaker 1 let's move on.
00:04:57.400 Speaker 1 Today's conversation will be around the hypothetical question
00:05:05.520 Speaker 1 submitted from past me to current me. All right, past Steven, what do
00:05:11.540 Speaker 1 you have to say?
00:05:14.780 Speaker 1 I feel like I have no control over my life.
00:05:21.480 Speaker 1 I feel like I am a passenger in my own life.
00:05:26.740 Speaker 1 My days go by and I make promises to myself. I try to do
00:05:32.700 Speaker 1 things,
00:05:34.940 Speaker 1 but every single time, my motivation falters.
00:05:43.000 Speaker 1 It's like the world is conspiring against me. It's like everything I
00:05:48.660 Speaker 1 do doesn't matter. It all crumbles before me. It's as if
00:05:56.240 Speaker 1 I feel totally helpless in my own life
00:06:02.124 Speaker 1 I can't really change anything, and I've tried. I've tried for a long time,
00:06:08.944 Speaker 1 and I feel like all of my relationships are suffering or worse.
00:06:15.864 Speaker 1 I feel like it's a matter of time until, like, everything is over, and I'm not
00:06:21.084 Speaker 1 suicidal or anything like that, but
00:06:25.164 Speaker 1 it's getting harder and harder to have hope because every time I try to
00:06:30.824 Speaker 1 gain some measure of control over my life to just do something,
00:06:37.464 Speaker 1 I can't. It's like there's a wall.
00:06:42.504 Speaker 1 I don't know what to do. How do I get control over my life? I know I'm
00:06:48.304 Speaker 1 unhealthy, and I know I should do better, and I know I could probably do a lot of
00:06:52.904 Speaker 1 things. I could exercise or eat better. I'm sure those would help, but
00:07:00.264 Speaker 1 I feel like trash and I don't know what to do.
00:07:06.844 Speaker 1 So,
00:07:12.484 Speaker 1 here's what you need to do.
00:07:19.144 Speaker 1 All change starts with a decision.
00:07:25.104 Speaker 1 It all starts with a belief. There are a few fundamental beliefs that if you can
00:07:30.424 Speaker 1 keep them in your head, you can do anything. You can do all of this by
00:07:36.004 Speaker 1 yourself. You don't need me. You never did. You don't
00:07:41.624 Speaker 1 need anyone else. You already know enough, and what you don't know, you
00:07:47.584 Speaker 1 have the ability to learn and acquire. You can get where I am.
00:07:54.324 Speaker 1 And in this case, I know you can get where I am because I am where you wanted to
00:07:59.604 Speaker 1 get.
00:08:02.144 Speaker 1 Please let that sink in. You're not special. I'm not special. We're the
00:08:07.544 Speaker 1 same person.
00:08:10.364 Speaker 1 I just got rid of all the things that weren't serving me, all the
00:08:15.944 Speaker 1 beliefs and ideas and thoughts and habits that
00:08:22.724 Speaker 1 I thought I needed or were excuses, and I replaced them with new ones that I
00:08:27.624 Speaker 1 discovered through a lot of pain, and they gave me control again.
00:08:33.864 Speaker 1 Now, I don't have control all the time. I'm a human being just like everyone else,
00:08:38.544 Speaker 1 and you'll never get the level of perfect control you, you dream of. It's not
00:08:43.884 Speaker 1 possible. You're a human animal like the rest of us, a sort of meat machine,
00:08:50.124 Speaker 1 you know, and you'll never function perfectly. So just let go of that right now. But
00:08:56.064 Speaker 1 you can get to a point where you feel not only powerful but comfortable,
00:09:02.764 Speaker 1 so confident that you feel comfortable, so confident you don't need to assert your
00:09:08.424 Speaker 1 confidence. You can get there. That's the level of control you can have. You
00:09:14.444 Speaker 1 can feel like
00:09:17.204 Speaker 1 you can do just about anything you want to
00:09:21.084 Speaker 1 given enough time and the right strategy. That's where I am.
00:09:27.404 Speaker 1 But you're not gonna get there quickly.
00:09:31.124 Speaker 1 Here are the few fundamental things you need to believe,
00:09:36.664 Speaker 1 and they make basically everything else I'm going to say possible. So let's start
00:09:41.104 Speaker 1 with this. One, an internal locus of control. Now, I
00:09:47.044 Speaker 1 know you have some of this and you've had glimmers of it.
00:09:50.784 Speaker 1 An internal locus of control is when somebody
00:09:56.344 Speaker 1 views the things that happen to them, the rewards and punishments
00:10:02.884 Speaker 1 inflicted on them,
00:10:05.964 Speaker 1 as if they are something that they have control over. It is a
00:10:11.664 Speaker 1 fundamental worldview. It is a belief
00:10:19.024 Speaker 1 that you have control over your actions and the things that happen to you, good and
00:10:24.084 Speaker 1 bad. It is the belief that your life is not on rails and that while you
00:10:30.204 Speaker 1 never truly control everything, you believe
00:10:37.004 Speaker 1 that most of the things that happen to you, good and bad in life, are your fault,
00:10:43.584 Speaker 1 or said another way, your responsibility. An internal locus of
00:10:49.244 Speaker 1 control means when somebody yells at you, you consider, "Did I do something
00:10:54.964 Speaker 1 wrong?" An external locus of control is the exact opposite. It is
00:11:00.904 Speaker 1 the default worldview that when something good or bad happens to you,
00:11:08.224 Speaker 1 it was somebody else's doing. That could be a deity. That could be your friend. That
00:11:13.544 Speaker 1 could be anybody. It could be the system. It doesn't have to be a person. It could
00:11:17.624 Speaker 1 be a force of nature or economic system, rule of law.
00:11:23.704 Speaker 1 An external locus of control is a belief. It's a default reaction, really, more than
00:11:28.624 Speaker 1 a belief. It's, it's the reaction that when something goes wrong or right, it was
00:11:33.764 Speaker 1 because something outside of you was primarily controlling that.
00:11:39.844 Speaker 1 You are basically a leaf on the wind. Now, a lot of people don't wanna think about
00:11:44.864 Speaker 1 this, but let's make it concrete again. An external locus of control
00:11:50.924 Speaker 1 is when somebody yells at you, you get angry for them yelling at you.
00:11:57.144 Speaker 1 Why are they yelling at you?
00:11:59.864 Speaker 1 You didn't do anything wrong. It's the immediate reaction
00:12:04.992 Speaker 1 That what is being inflicted upon you is the doing and maybe
00:12:10.852 Speaker 1 misconception of another person. Another thing,
00:12:17.252 Speaker 1 the world is being inflicted upon you, and the very best you can do is
00:12:23.092 Speaker 1 inflict back. All right? That's the-- that's about all the control you're allowed.
00:12:29.372 Speaker 1 An internal locus of control gives you the default reaction
00:12:36.892 Speaker 1 that what you do or don't do is entirely up to you. And I won't belabor the
00:12:42.912 Speaker 1 point too much, but you can't do anything if your default reaction
00:12:49.912 Speaker 1 to especially negative events is to blame, deflect, or make excuses.
00:12:56.612 Speaker 1 So the first thing we're gonna do together is you are going to decide, "I have
00:13:02.552 Speaker 1 an internal locus of control." Say it out loud with me: I decide to
00:13:08.492 Speaker 1 have an internal locus of control.
00:13:13.252 Speaker 1 I don't make excuses. I don't blame. I don't deflect. It's all
00:13:19.712 Speaker 1 my fault. It's all my responsibility. Now, you may feel a sort of searing,
00:13:25.572 Speaker 1 heavy weight in your chest like, "Lord,
00:13:30.272 Speaker 1 it can't all be my fault. Like, you know how many crappy things have happened to me?
00:13:35.432 Speaker 1 Like, there's no way any of that was my fault." It's not about that.
00:13:40.852 Speaker 1 The reason you get an internal locus of control is not about who deserves the blame.
00:13:47.792 Speaker 1 It's not important.
00:13:50.552 Speaker 1 The purpose of not blaming, deflecting, or making excuses is because it gives you
00:13:56.612 Speaker 1 power. Do you want power? You told me you wanted control
00:14:02.512 Speaker 1 back. Did you think I would sing you a serenade? Did you think I would powder your
00:14:08.572 Speaker 1 butt? Did you think [laughs] I'd give you a little kiss on the cheek and a warm cup
00:14:14.132 Speaker 1 of milk and say, "Oh, it's okay. You'll get your control back"? No. I am going to
00:14:19.432 Speaker 1 grill you. I'm gonna rake you over the coals because it's what you need.
00:14:26.172 Speaker 1 Do you want power, yes or no? Do you want power to
00:14:31.672 Speaker 1 change your life and anything else you think is wrong with the world around you?
00:14:38.032 Speaker 1 Do you want the power?
00:14:43.332 Speaker 1 If you say yes, mean it. Do you want the power? Okay. Do
00:14:49.392 Speaker 1 you want the power?
00:14:52.332 Speaker 1 Yes. Well, it comes at a price.
00:14:57.952 Speaker 1 When you next feel the instinct to blame another person, a system, the
00:15:03.752 Speaker 1 government, the economy, your parents, your birth, "Oh, my
00:15:09.752 Speaker 1 poor disorders," "Oh, I don't have legs," [laughs] whatever your not legs equivalent
00:15:15.032 Speaker 1 is, it doesn't matter. Why do we not make excuses?
00:15:21.592 Speaker 1 Why do we not blame others?
00:15:25.892 Speaker 1 Why do we not deflect? Is it for them?
00:15:31.492 Speaker 1 Is it for them?
00:15:33.992 Speaker 1 No, you know it's not. Who is it for?
00:15:39.872 Speaker 1 Every time you feel the urge to make an excuse, to deflect,
00:15:46.132 Speaker 1 to blame, but you decide not to,
00:15:51.992 Speaker 1 you get stronger because it puts your
00:15:57.632 Speaker 1 brain into solution mode. You will use the part of your
00:16:03.432 Speaker 1 brain which is responsible for solving problems instead
00:16:09.352 Speaker 1 of the part of your brain that is essentially righteous and
00:16:15.392 Speaker 1 looking to accuse. What do you want? I repeat this to myself
00:16:21.691 Speaker 1 so many times it echoes in my own mind.
00:16:27.052 Speaker 1 Do you want to feel better, or do you want to get better?
00:16:32.932 Speaker 1 You can't have both. Now, in the long run, getting better actually makes you feel
00:16:38.532 Speaker 1 better sustainably. But making an excuse, deflecting, or blaming somebody else will
00:16:43.472 Speaker 1 make you feel better, eh, kinda, in the short term. Now,
00:16:49.692 Speaker 1 I will say this one more time because it is critical to absolutely everything else
00:16:53.952 Speaker 1 we have to work on.
00:16:56.912 Speaker 1 Do you make excuses ever?
00:17:01.232 Speaker 1 No. Do you deflect from uncomfortable truths in your head
00:17:07.552 Speaker 1 or spoken aloud about you or to you?
00:17:11.432 Speaker 1 No. Do you blame others for any reason? No.
00:17:18.012 Speaker 1 I don't care if you look completely insane. I don't care if somebody slapped you in
00:17:22.692 Speaker 1 the face you've never met before. You don't blame them. Why?
00:17:31.212 Speaker 1 Because it makes you weaker.
00:17:34.832 Speaker 1 If you want to be powerful, you have an internal locus of control
00:17:41.132 Speaker 1 so strong that you believe you can control everything. It is a
00:17:47.092 Speaker 1 deliberate self-delusion,
00:17:50.472 Speaker 1 and it forces you to begin solving everything yourself.
00:17:57.312 Speaker 1 I can't fix you. Only you can fix you.
00:18:01.712 Speaker 1 And there's not even anything to fix. Your brain is the same brain it was a moment
00:18:06.992 Speaker 1 ago. You're the same person. You're just adjusting yourself. All right.
00:18:13.980 Speaker 1 Internal locus of control. Remember that. Write that down. No excuses, no
00:18:18.680 Speaker 1 deflecting, no blaming. Not ever. Why? Who's it for?
00:18:23.960 Speaker 1 It's for you. It's not for them. It makes you powerful. Now, we're gonna use that
00:18:29.919 Speaker 1 power, okay? You have an internal locus of control. Next.
00:18:36.060 Speaker 1 I won't go into this in detail because we need to move on to the topic at hand,
00:18:39.680 Speaker 1 which is giving you a sense of control. But this one is almost as important as the
00:18:43.320 Speaker 1 locus of... internal locus of control. And
00:18:48.000 Speaker 1 by the way, all of this takes time. You will have to catch yourself a thousand
00:18:51.160 Speaker 1 times. Don't beat yourself up when you mess up and you go, "Crap, I shouldn't have
00:18:55.540 Speaker 1 blamed her. That's not what I was supposed to do." Which means, guess what? This is
00:19:00.760 Speaker 1 the craziest thing in the world. If you do it by accident, and you will slip,
00:19:04.620 Speaker 1 because it's a habit, a lifelong habit, by the way. I know you. I am you. Well, I
00:19:09.200 Speaker 1 was you.
00:19:11.780 Speaker 1 Just apologize. Walk up to that person and say, "Hey, actually, y- I was just angry.
00:19:18.120 Speaker 1 I apologize. Um, it's not your fault. Um, I did not mean..." You
00:19:24.100 Speaker 1 don't even have to say that. Just say, "I should not have blamed you." Okay? You can
00:19:30.140 Speaker 1 take it back. Taking it back is just as good. In fact, it's even more courageous
00:19:35.860 Speaker 1 than, uh, not doing it in the first place. Eventually, you will get to a point where
00:19:39.460 Speaker 1 you don't have to try anymore, and this will be instinct, and that won't be the
00:19:43.120 Speaker 1 moment. You now have an internal locus of control. Next, you need a growth mindset,
00:19:50.580 Speaker 1 okay? Once you have an internal locus of control, you're gonna start feeling bad,
00:19:55.520 Speaker 1 right? I realize the fix is supposed to be about making you feel better. Well,
00:20:01.400 Speaker 1 guess what? All you have to do is listen to this podcast and you might start to feel
00:20:05.860 Speaker 1 better. But if you start to implement these things, you will go through a
00:20:11.580 Speaker 1 trough first, okay? Because taking responsibility for
00:20:17.620 Speaker 1 the fact that your life sucks hurts. That's why you've avoided
00:20:23.520 Speaker 1 it. Duh. It hurts admitting that actually some of these things probably are
00:20:29.420 Speaker 1 my fault. And you know that, and you've always known that, and
00:20:35.000 Speaker 1 sometimes you're very mean to yourself about that. We don't need to do that. It's
00:20:40.040 Speaker 1 not helpful.
00:20:43.400 Speaker 1 It's going to feel bad. Keep doing it. Be proud of yourself,
00:20:50.020 Speaker 1 because now you have made the decision to get your control back.
00:20:56.000 Speaker 1 All right, the second most important concept before we move on is a growth mindset.
00:21:00.200 Speaker 1 A growth mindset is essentially the belief that you can change basically anything
00:21:05.820 Speaker 1 about yourself. Personality, you can learn new skills, you can meet new
00:21:11.740 Speaker 1 friends, you... It has nothing to do with what you deserve. It is essentially the
00:21:16.600 Speaker 1 belief that not only you, but any human being can grow and change. Now, that
00:21:22.500 Speaker 1 doesn't mean they will. We've all seen people in our lives that, um, well, kind of
00:21:28.520 Speaker 1 like you,
00:21:30.940 Speaker 1 they don't change. But there's a difference between not changing and being incapable
00:21:36.960 Speaker 1 of change. Those are two different things.
00:21:41.040 Speaker 1 You, and every single human being on this earth, is in- is capable of change. Just
00:21:46.660 Speaker 1 about everything. And this is backed by science, if you care. Psychologically
00:21:52.260 Speaker 1 speaking, there are ve- very few things you cannot change about yourself. Do you
00:21:55.680 Speaker 1 know that IQ is trainable?
00:21:58.580 Speaker 1 Did you know that information processing speed, that is essentially the speed at
00:22:03.360 Speaker 1 which you can take in information and solve problems, is separate from how smart you
00:22:09.440 Speaker 1 are? Those are two different things. You can actually be very smart
00:22:15.380 Speaker 1 but very slow. In fact, people use the word in- slow as an insult without
00:22:20.900 Speaker 1 realizing that smart and slow are two different measures. They're two different
00:22:26.020 Speaker 1 skills. Now, there are some things you can't change, or at least it seems clear from
00:22:31.340 Speaker 1 the evidence that you can't really improve them very much. But do we
00:22:37.240 Speaker 1 make excuses?
00:22:39.720 Speaker 1 Nah. You know. All right.
00:22:44.840 Speaker 1 It doesn't matter. For now, you need to believe everything can change. Literally
00:22:48.680 Speaker 1 anything about you can change. And for the most part, it's true. There are very,
00:22:53.020 Speaker 1 very few things about you you cannot change. Uh, or anyone. So take it on faith for
00:22:58.040 Speaker 1 now. You have a growth mindset, okay? You can change. That
00:23:03.900 Speaker 1 doesn't mean you know how. That doesn't mean you'll improve everything. That doesn't
00:23:07.760 Speaker 1 mean you'll be able to improve everything to the level you want it to be at. But it
00:23:11.760 Speaker 1 also doesn't mean you can't, okay? So for now, one,
00:23:17.540 Speaker 1 internal locus of control. Two, you can change, okay?
00:23:24.200 Speaker 1 I'm just saying you can. It is possible. I've done it.
00:23:30.220 Speaker 1 I know you can. Okay. Now that we have these two pieces, you can
00:23:36.240 Speaker 1 do anything. Can do anything. Not will.
00:23:42.500 Speaker 1 If you actually believed that just listening to this podcast would mean you could do
00:23:47.680 Speaker 1 anything, you're delusional. It doesn't work like that.
00:23:53.260 Speaker 1 You're going to suffer. But this is a different kind of pain than you're
00:23:59.340 Speaker 1 used to.
00:24:02.020 Speaker 1 This is the pain of growth. This is the pain of
00:24:07.940 Speaker 1 running up a mountain and feeling more tired and sore than you've ever felt in your
00:24:13.160 Speaker 1 entire life.
00:24:15.632 Speaker 1 But you know it's making you stronger. It's a good pain, and
00:24:21.352 Speaker 1 that's about what you're going to feel.
00:24:26.272 Speaker 1 So past hypothetical me,
00:24:30.492 Speaker 1 what is it you want to say in reply to all that?
00:24:40.272 Speaker 1 Okay,
00:24:42.152 Speaker 1 I can do those things, but
00:24:45.192 Speaker 1 I don't really see how it helps me. I don't even have the motivation, [chuckles] the
00:24:50.212 Speaker 1 motivation to do anything. Like
00:24:54.712 Speaker 1 yeah, I know some of these things are my fault, but what does it matter?
00:25:00.632 Speaker 1 I still don't know what to do.
00:25:03.572 Speaker 1 You haven't... I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but I'm not really sure
00:25:08.612 Speaker 1 what I'm supposed to do differently.
00:25:12.592 Speaker 1 So I mean, I don't know, like should I make a list? Like set a goal? Like
00:25:18.632 Speaker 1 I set a lot of goals, but
00:25:21.392 Speaker 1 I don't know. I just lose motivation. It doesn't work.
00:25:26.432 Speaker 1 I, I can try
00:25:30.692 Speaker 1 if you want, but
00:25:35.452 Speaker 1 I don't really see it.
00:25:38.612 Speaker 1 I don't see the point.
00:25:43.092 Speaker 1 Okay.
00:25:45.052 Speaker 1 The point is this is not really actionable. These are two beliefs that
00:25:51.092 Speaker 1 I've asked you to self-delude. You can choose to believe things and there's a
00:25:56.452 Speaker 1 process for that, okay? And we're probably gonna have to go through that in another
00:26:01.712 Speaker 1 episode. Uh, there is literally a formula for how to change your beliefs and it's
00:26:06.992 Speaker 1 quite simpler than you think. Um, but that's a process for another day. Today
00:26:13.112 Speaker 1 my goal is to give you that first bite of freedom, that sense
00:26:18.992 Speaker 1 that you actually do have a little bit of control.
00:26:24.852 Speaker 1 All right, so here are your, your rebuttals. You don't know what to do. Cool. Do
00:26:28.932 Speaker 1 what I told you to first of all.
00:26:33.312 Speaker 1 Stop making excuses. Stop blaming. Stop diverting. Go write it down. Get a piece of
00:26:37.992 Speaker 1 paper. Go write it down.
00:26:40.712 Speaker 1 Internal locus of control. All right? If you blame, deflect
00:26:47.192 Speaker 1 or make excuses,
00:26:49.652 Speaker 1 you're screwing up. One, I have an internal locus of control. Two, I have a growth
00:26:55.192 Speaker 1 mindset. I believe I can change. I believe anyone can change just about anything
00:27:01.092 Speaker 1 about themselves. I believe this. Okay? Repeat those things to yourself.
00:27:07.332 Speaker 1 All right? I am asking you to hold those beliefs in your head even if they feel
00:27:10.912 Speaker 1 fake, even if they don't feel like they're yours yet. This is what you need to
00:27:15.452 Speaker 1 believe. Okay? All right. Let's start with some actionable stuff.
00:27:22.512 Speaker 1 There's a lot of reasons you don't feel like you have control over your life and the
00:27:25.152 Speaker 1 reason is, wow, surprise, you don't. Yeah, you don't actually have
00:27:31.172 Speaker 1 any control. That's why you don't feel like you have control. It seems maybe super
00:27:35.432 Speaker 1 obvious, but here's why,
00:27:40.952 Speaker 1 and it's a bit of a doozy and there's quite a lot to cover.
00:27:46.872 Speaker 1 All right. Here is the high level strategy. The reasons you don't have control in
00:27:52.392 Speaker 1 your life are basically because your brain isn't on, not really.
00:27:59.272 Speaker 1 Parts of your brain are on, but not very long and not enough to actually do
00:28:02.572 Speaker 1 anything, okay? Your brain isn't actually doing anything that you want it to
00:28:09.092 Speaker 1 because it is doing other stuff that you don't want it to. Okay? So that's
00:28:15.112 Speaker 1 one big problem. Another issue is that you actually don't have the willpower,
00:28:20.852 Speaker 1 energy reserves to do anything during the amount of time, like the uptime that you
00:28:26.652 Speaker 1 have for your brain to do stuff. So the net result of most of your brain is
00:28:32.592 Speaker 1 tied up doing stuff you don't want it to, and you have to fight to get it to do
00:28:37.592 Speaker 1 basically anything just to like stay alive, make yourself food, [chuckles] like
00:28:43.392 Speaker 1 complete your basic responsibilities. More or less all of your willpower is going to
00:28:48.432 Speaker 1 survival, to keeping it all together, uh, and there's really nothing left for
00:28:53.032 Speaker 1 improvement. So you can imagine like this weight that is sinking in the water and
00:28:58.472 Speaker 1 you only have enough power to sort of like barely keep it up, but literally all of
00:29:03.392 Speaker 1 your energy's going into keeping it from sinking further and you have nothing left
00:29:08.652 Speaker 1 and that's why you've fallen to this point. It's not a mystery. Like you've...
00:29:14.252 Speaker 1 Everyone kind of falls to this point because you can't fall further because it would
00:29:19.932 Speaker 1 jeopardize your survival and you have just enough external pressure or basically
00:29:24.632 Speaker 1 just enough anxiety
00:29:27.752 Speaker 1 from survival instinct to keep going at this level, like kinda struggling along
00:29:33.652 Speaker 1 but like not really
00:29:36.352 Speaker 1 improving, but not exactly getting worse although you do have moments where you get
00:29:41.372 Speaker 1 worse. You're basically just getting by sort of cognitively and
00:29:46.952 Speaker 1 emotionally speaking and there's basically nothing left to actually fix your
00:29:52.752 Speaker 1 problems. Does that make sense? Imagine like you have a fire extinguisher and there
00:29:57.972 Speaker 1 are fires popping up all the time and it takes absolutely every ounce of your effort
00:30:03.412 Speaker 1 to keep the fires from spreading, um, and you can't spare time to
00:30:09.232 Speaker 1 actually figure out where the fires are coming from much less fix them and that's
00:30:13.972 Speaker 1 why you're stuck where you are and that's why you have no control is because you
00:30:18.732 Speaker 1 don't. It's because there's no bandwidth for anything else.
00:30:23.552 Speaker 1 So the entire strategy to get out of this mess is
00:30:30.892 Speaker 1 to start to release your brain from the stuff that's tying it up. Okay?
00:30:37.112 Speaker 1 We are going to give you more uptime for your brain to start thinking about
00:30:43.032 Speaker 1 and solving your problems. Simultaneously, we're gonna make sure you have more
00:30:47.952 Speaker 1 energy and motivation to actually act on those solutions. Remember, you're gonna
00:30:53.192 Speaker 1 solve your own problems. The name of the show is a lie.
00:30:57.352 Speaker 1 You're gonna solve it. I'm just a guide. I've been there, and I can tell you how it
00:31:02.272 Speaker 1 works, but you have to do the work. And until you decide to do the work,
00:31:08.472 Speaker 1 you will be exactly where you are, mm, basically forever until you die or until it
00:31:12.812 Speaker 1 gets so bad, um, yeah, then I guess you don't wanna live anymore. Nobody wants that
00:31:17.852 Speaker 1 for you.
00:31:20.372 Speaker 1 I know you don't want that. You told me that. So you have two choices. You can sort
00:31:25.892 Speaker 1 of skate along on the bottom of the ocean forever, um, kind of in a
00:31:31.412 Speaker 1 zombie-like state, uh, mostly miserable with, uh, fleeting moments of joy that only
00:31:36.572 Speaker 1 really serve to
00:31:40.492 Speaker 1 remind you of how good life used to be or how good life could be and how nice it
00:31:45.512 Speaker 1 seems for other people sometimes. Is that what you want?
00:31:51.612 Speaker 1 No. Do you understand why we started with a lo- internal locus of control now?
00:31:58.872 Speaker 1 Do you understand why you need a growth mindset?
00:32:04.472 Speaker 1 I think you're starting to see the pieces, aren't you?
00:32:08.972 Speaker 1 Now, let's make this strategy actionable.
00:32:13.352 Speaker 1 All right.
00:32:16.152 Speaker 1 First of all, let's talk about what is tying up your brain so that you can't
00:32:21.192 Speaker 1 actually start to solve your problems. And then the second part of the solution is
00:32:25.292 Speaker 1 we're gonna talk about how to get more motivation and energy to actually act on
00:32:31.252 Speaker 1 the solutions that you come up with. Okay?
00:32:35.372 Speaker 1 And you do that long enough, and dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, you have some control.
00:32:41.012 Speaker 1 Okay? Not like a m-- a ton, but some. What could you do with some
00:32:46.712 Speaker 1 control? Hmm. You could get more control.
00:32:52.652 Speaker 1 That's what you do. You reinvest it. [laughs] It's like compounding control. You get
00:32:57.012 Speaker 1 a little bit of control, and you use that to get some more. Okay.
00:33:02.832 Speaker 1 Now I do feel like I could actually maybe go run once a week.
00:33:09.012 Speaker 1 I, I do feel like I could actually, like, start to turn down some of this junk food
00:33:14.452 Speaker 1 or, like, maybe I could, like, reach out to a friend again [laughs] or go start a
00:33:20.372 Speaker 1 new friend, friendship, and then you'll have more control and more control, and then
00:33:26.292 Speaker 1 eventually you stop thinking about it. That's what having control of your life
00:33:32.392 Speaker 1 feels like. It doesn't feel like having control of your life. It just feels like
00:33:38.552 Speaker 1 normal, like you can mostly do whatever you want.
00:33:44.772 Speaker 1 That's where we're gonna get you. Part one. Yes, this is part one. That was the
00:33:49.692 Speaker 1 preamble.
00:33:51.772 Speaker 1 What is your brain doing instead of helping you? What is it tied up with?
00:33:57.832 Speaker 1 Why is it busy?
00:34:00.272 Speaker 1 All right, chances are you're either super anxious or super depressed or super both.
00:34:06.972 Speaker 1 Okay. We'll talk about depression and anxiety in another episode because, man, maybe
00:34:13.012 Speaker 1 a couple other episodes. Let me tell you, this one's gonna plague you for a while.
00:34:18.732 Speaker 1 But it also has a solution, like a set of steps that you can take that
00:34:25.292 Speaker 1 make you feel normal again pretty quickly, like, no matter how dark it gets, no
00:34:31.212 Speaker 1 matter how frustrating and scary it gets. I just wanted to issue that little
00:34:35.272 Speaker 1 lifeline, like, that's coming. You figure it out, and it works every time,
00:34:41.172 Speaker 1 [laughs] and it's awesome feeling normal again. But that's for another day. First,
00:34:45.692 Speaker 1 you need control. Your brain is tied up
00:34:51.632 Speaker 1 basically
00:34:54.172 Speaker 1 with what other people want for you in a sort of abstract way, okay? There's a
00:34:59.652 Speaker 1 couple different sources. Here's the gist. You have too much information coming in.
00:35:05.032 Speaker 1 You are being manipulated for the minuscule profit of large companies,
00:35:11.112 Speaker 1 and more or less all of your attention and willpower is being drained, uh,
00:35:17.232 Speaker 1 for pennies on the dollar, okay? That's a big source. You know, you're familiar with
00:35:21.432 Speaker 1 this. I know this isn't news to you. But I think you've forgotten what it feels like
00:35:26.692 Speaker 1 without it, and I'm going to show you that.
00:35:32.252 Speaker 1 So here's what you need to do.
00:35:35.212 Speaker 1 You need to begin reducing what I call...
00:35:40.672 Speaker 1 Eh, we'll save this for part one
00:35:44.152 Speaker 1 bec- uh, part two, okay? 'Cause it's a little, it's a little more in-depth. Let's
00:35:48.052 Speaker 1 make it simple. Stop paying attention to the outside world, like, entirely.
00:35:54.112 Speaker 1 Like, entirely.
00:35:56.792 Speaker 1 Like, totally turn it off.
00:36:01.572 Speaker 1 But what about, but what about... I don't even need to be you. I don't even need to
00:36:05.212 Speaker 1 switch sides because I hear this so often.
00:36:11.112 Speaker 1 Turn it all off, all of it, the news, social
00:36:17.012 Speaker 1 media, TV shows, movies, commercials,
00:36:22.852 Speaker 1 magazines, billboards
00:36:27.796 Speaker 1 Podcasts, everything. Turn it all off.
00:36:34.416 Speaker 1 You have so much information coming into your head every
00:36:40.316 Speaker 1 single day. It's piling up like a mountain in your brain,
00:36:46.356 Speaker 1 and you can't handle it. Imagine this just
00:36:51.956 Speaker 1 avalanche, this waterfall of things being dumped into
00:36:57.956 Speaker 1 your brain every day. That's what happens when you're listening to this stuff,
00:37:02.396 Speaker 1 watching this stuff, seeing this stuff. It's all being poured into your head.
00:37:08.796 Speaker 1 And the reason it's tying up your brain, and you're like, "Oh, this is innocuous, I
00:37:12.536 Speaker 1 can just ignore it," that's not how it works. Your subconscious evaluates everything
00:37:18.696 Speaker 1 that comes into your field of view, right? Your senses. And it starts to evaluate,
00:37:24.316 Speaker 1 is this a threat? Is this an opportunity? You know, is this a potential friendship?
00:37:28.916 Speaker 1 Is this a potential mate? Is this good or bad for my survival? Is this something I
00:37:33.175 Speaker 1 can use? It's trying to figure all of that out, and it doesn't understand,
00:37:39.236 Speaker 1 "Hey, I'll just ignore this." It doesn't work like that. Think of it like two
00:37:42.856 Speaker 1 brains. There's another brain, and it's much bigger, and it's always analyzing
00:37:47.756 Speaker 1 everything you see, hear, do. It's always analyzing. Is this useful? Can
00:37:53.796 Speaker 1 I use this? Is this bad? Should I be scared? Is that a friend? Is that a foe? Did
00:37:57.676 Speaker 1 she like me? Always analyzing. And the more information you pour
00:38:03.696 Speaker 1 in, the bigger the mountain gets that your subconscious needs to sift through to
00:38:08.816 Speaker 1 make decisions on. Oh, should I finish that? Or should I have done this?
00:38:17.016 Speaker 1 It's all piling up in your head. It's piling up.
00:38:22.236 Speaker 1 Okay? Now, it's normal for lots of information to come in and get processed, okay?
00:38:27.696 Speaker 1 This is an important part of your brain. However, here's an insidious second
00:38:33.456 Speaker 1 part.
00:38:35.756 Speaker 1 All right. When you feel bad, what you do is something I call a dopamine-seeking
00:38:41.396 Speaker 1 activity. Okay? What this is, is essentially pain
00:38:47.016 Speaker 1 avoidance. If you have ever felt when you come home, you know, often after work,
00:38:52.476 Speaker 1 "Ugh, I'm just gonna watch a TV show," or, "I'm gonna open social media,"
00:38:58.096 Speaker 1 whatever it is, right? It may not even be conscious, but it's probably not. You just
00:39:01.596 Speaker 1 do it automatically. The reason you do that is because you need a dopamine hit. And
00:39:07.216 Speaker 1 this is weird, so bear with me, okay? The way your dopamine system works at a very
00:39:11.476 Speaker 1 high level
00:39:13.556 Speaker 1 is you have a baseline dopamine level. This is like, think of like a graph, a line
00:39:19.316 Speaker 1 chart, and the higher the line, the more motivation and energy you have to do stuff.
00:39:25.556 Speaker 1 If you've ever felt, like, super motivated and ready to go, that's 'cause you have
00:39:29.936 Speaker 1 high dopamine. All right? If you've ever felt like, "Oh, crap, I can't.
00:39:36.056 Speaker 1 Nope, I'm done. I'm not gonna do anything. I can't even get up off this couch. Nope,
00:39:41.196 Speaker 1 not doing anything," you have very low dopamine. Okay? This is a simplistic model,
00:39:46.076 Speaker 1 but let's go with that. Now, the baseline level of dopamine is
00:39:52.016 Speaker 1 basically where are you on average? Where are you when nothing is going on, right?
00:39:57.296 Speaker 1 When you're not deviating from the norm up or down. You're neither super motivated,
00:40:01.416 Speaker 1 nor are you super unmotivated. This is just normal for you. All right. When
00:40:07.436 Speaker 1 you do dopamine-seeking activities,
00:40:11.096 Speaker 1 open Facebook, watch a show, basically anything that gives you that hit,
00:40:17.056 Speaker 1 what you're doing is you're draining your store of dopamine. Boom. Imagine the line
00:40:21.216 Speaker 1 going down. You can see that chart going down and to the right. It goes down. Okay?
00:40:26.816 Speaker 1 You f- first it goes up, whoop, you get a little hit, and then it crashes. And
00:40:30.936 Speaker 1 here's the thing, the more volatile it is, the lower your baseline
00:40:36.976 Speaker 1 dopamine gets. Okay? Think about this.
00:40:42.496 Speaker 1 The more you employ these sort of short-term fixes, and I'm not gonna go into why,
00:40:47.696 Speaker 1 okay? It's not important. Basically, anything that you do habitually that is an
00:40:52.896 Speaker 1 avoidance, that... And you know what they are. It's junk food. It's whatever.
00:40:59.116 Speaker 1 It's, it's the thing you're doing to avoid doing the thing you actually want to do,
00:41:04.596 Speaker 1 right? That's a dopamine-seeking activity. Could be opening your email. Could be
00:41:09.076 Speaker 1 anything, right? You get a little bump, and the reason you're doing that is 'cause
00:41:13.176 Speaker 1 you're trying to get back to normal. You w- you just wanna feel good again. But
00:41:19.136 Speaker 1 the trick is, it's a short-term fix.
00:41:23.636 Speaker 1 It is a short term. You can think of it like a debt, like a credit card. Yeah, you
00:41:28.956 Speaker 1 get it real quick, but you pay more in the long run. Okay? What do you think happens
00:41:34.576 Speaker 1 to you, let's just say hypothetically to a person, when you do this over and over
00:41:39.356 Speaker 1 and over again?
00:41:42.236 Speaker 1 Remember, your baseline sinks the more you do this.
00:41:47.036 Speaker 1 Yeah, you can see where this is going. You have no energy, and in fact,
00:41:53.156 Speaker 1 you probably can't even feel normal unless you are tying your brain up,
00:41:58.936 Speaker 1 unless you're getting these dopamine-seeking activities. Okay? Cool. So keep that in
00:42:04.116 Speaker 1 your head. First of all, you got too much information coming in. Shut it off. All
00:42:08.616 Speaker 1 right? I'm not gonna tell you how. Maybe that's a strategy for another day. Today,
00:42:12.676 Speaker 1 we're getting kinda holistic. You know, we'll dive into the details another time.
00:42:16.516 Speaker 1 Turn it all off.
00:42:18.796 Speaker 1 All of it. Turn it all off. Block it. Ban it. Tell people you'll never do it again.
00:42:23.876 Speaker 1 Delete the apps. Throw your computer in the trash can. I don't care
00:42:29.460 Speaker 1 Turn it all off. Okay? You need to reduce the amount of noise coming into your head.
00:42:33.880 Speaker 1 All right? This will reduce the amount of decisions you have to make. Great. That's
00:42:38.420 Speaker 1 awesome. Now, the other insidious part about tying up your brain with these
00:42:42.680 Speaker 1 dopamine-seeking activities is they literally turn off your default mode network.
00:42:47.220 Speaker 1 Okay? Basically, they tie up your brain, and this is one of the reasons you like
00:42:51.680 Speaker 1 these things, TV shows, social media, whatever, right? Is because they actually kind
00:42:55.920 Speaker 1 of turn off your brain. You don't have to think about how bad your life sucks. You
00:43:00.200 Speaker 1 don't have to think about how sad you are or how we- you wish things are different.
00:43:03.820 Speaker 1 You don't even have to think about how guilty you feel that you should be doing
00:43:08.000 Speaker 1 something else, because it kind of does turn your brain off. Okay?
00:43:13.940 Speaker 1 Because the part of your brain that you're turning off is the default mode network.
00:43:16.780 Speaker 1 Hmm, basically, you're silencing your inner thoughts.
00:43:20.620 Speaker 1 However, when you abstain from all this, and you will feel
00:43:28.940 Speaker 1 a lot of pain, the pain of boredom like you've never felt in a long, long time.
00:43:34.900 Speaker 1 Don't be frightened. This means it's working. This is what you should feel.
00:43:41.340 Speaker 1 It will hurt like crazy.
00:43:47.320 Speaker 1 Very hot boredom. This is good. This is your brain screaming for its fix
00:43:53.420 Speaker 1 because it needs that dopamine. Like, you literally do need it. It's an important
00:43:57.400 Speaker 1 neurochemical, but you'll be fine.
00:44:00.940 Speaker 1 All right? Just bear it. Go for a walk. Do whatever. Do anything less
00:44:07.000 Speaker 1 stimulating. Anything less stimulating. Always start downgrading how stimulating
00:44:12.500 Speaker 1 these things are. Most of your time should not be spent in these high-stimulation
00:44:16.380 Speaker 1 activities. They're killing you. They're literally draining your motivation and
00:44:21.300 Speaker 1 tying up your brain. All right, go for a walk, journal, basic, go
00:44:27.180 Speaker 1 gardening. Do something where yard work is great. Do something where your mind is
00:44:32.400 Speaker 1 free. Okay? Your mind specifically is free. Go for a drive. That's fine too.
00:44:37.320 Speaker 1 Anything you can do that frees up your mind, okay? Stop doing the things that tie up
00:44:43.120 Speaker 1 your mind, okay? Turn off the information, avoid the dopamine-seeking activities,
00:44:48.980 Speaker 1 and start doing something right now, the moment you feel that hot boredom,
00:44:54.800 Speaker 1 that does not tie up your mind, but maybe ties up your body or your hands. You know,
00:44:59.100 Speaker 1 simple labor is good for this, cleaning the house. Now, what you're gonna notice is
00:45:04.840 Speaker 1 your thoughts begin to wander. You begin to daydream. You begin to think. Okay? That
00:45:09.620 Speaker 1 means the default mode network is turning on. That's the part of your brain that is
00:45:14.420 Speaker 1 responsible for reflecting on your experiences, making decisions,
00:45:21.080 Speaker 1 and basically solving your problems. It's gonna pose a lot of ugly, weird questions
00:45:25.780 Speaker 1 that you don't want to answer. Let it go. Just follow your thoughts, okay?
00:45:31.680 Speaker 1 Just
00:45:33.480 Speaker 1 daydream, think. You will naturally... This is the purpose of the default mode
00:45:37.520 Speaker 1 network. Its job is to imagine the future, reflect on the past, and
00:45:43.160 Speaker 1 decide what to do differently.
00:45:47.620 Speaker 1 Now, does that sound useful? Remember when we talked about how your brain is so busy
00:45:53.540 Speaker 1 doing other things, it doesn't have any capacity to come up with how to solve your
00:45:57.920 Speaker 1 problems? This is why your default mode network isn't turning on
00:46:03.720 Speaker 1 anymore, because you are turning it off every time you tie it up
00:46:09.760 Speaker 1 with podcasts, with YouTube, with social media, with videos, with anything,
00:46:15.640 Speaker 1 text chat, sitting in a room, video games. You're turning it off. The part of your
00:46:20.980 Speaker 1 brain responsible for improving your life and coming up with ideas and solving
00:46:26.520 Speaker 1 problems doesn't turn on anymore. Think about what that does over a long time period
00:46:32.780 Speaker 1 and reflect on how that might cause you to stop solving your own problems and create
00:46:38.820 Speaker 1 problems as a result. This is a big part of why you don't have control, okay?
00:46:44.900 Speaker 1 Make time for your default mode network. Give it as much uptime as you can. I
00:46:50.720 Speaker 1 love going for a long walk first thing in the morning, like ASAP. Just, just pop
00:46:56.320 Speaker 1 right out of bed, put the shoes on, brush your teeth if you have to or whatever.
00:47:00.080 Speaker 1 Walk. No podcast. Nothing. Nothing but you and the
00:47:05.600 Speaker 1 sidewalk. And just walk. Thirty minutes to an hour is best. Make it a habit every
00:47:11.360 Speaker 1 single day. Turn on your default mode network, and it will start sifting through
00:47:16.320 Speaker 1 that mountain of information you have given it. It will start figuring out your
00:47:22.040 Speaker 1 life for you. This is the purpose of this part of your brain. Now, it's rusty. It's
00:47:27.500 Speaker 1 out of practice. Be kind. Let it work. Okay? And it will
00:47:33.280 Speaker 1 start telling you what to do. You say, "I don't know what to do." I say, "This is
00:47:39.180 Speaker 1 why you don't know what to do." It's because the part of your brain responsible for
00:47:44.600 Speaker 1 solving your own problems isn't turning on. Okay? Let it turn on.
00:47:50.500 Speaker 1 Stop turning it off. Okay? All right. So stop turning it off. You will
00:47:56.440 Speaker 1 start coming up with your own ideas for how to fix your life. Trust me. Okay? And
00:48:00.540 Speaker 1 now that you have an internal locus of control, you believe it's your responsibility
00:48:04.760 Speaker 1 and you'll stop blaming others. Okay? This is critical because now you
00:48:10.420 Speaker 1 know you're the one who needs to change it. And what's wrong in your life is up to
00:48:15.500 Speaker 1 you to change. Okay? Number two, you have a growth mindset, so now you believe
00:48:21.420 Speaker 1 you can change. It's your responsibility, and you believe you can.
00:48:27.220 Speaker 1 Okay? Keep those in your head, and now turn on the default mode network by freeing
00:48:32.960 Speaker 1 your mind. If you are thinking and daydreaming and your brain is busy doing nothing
00:48:38.360 Speaker 1 else
00:48:40.310 Speaker 1 Your default mode network is on. If you are bored, that means it's working. That's
00:48:45.310 Speaker 1 good. It's working. You are finally getting your agency back. Okay? You
00:48:51.330 Speaker 1 have agency. The first part gives you agency. That is your ability to make
00:48:55.810 Speaker 1 decisions, think, reflect, and solve, okay? It's in your head. But if you don't know
00:49:01.610 Speaker 1 what to do or how to plan, you'll never do anything. All right.
00:49:07.510 Speaker 1 Stop turning that part of your brain off because you are literally a puppet when
00:49:12.070 Speaker 1 it's off. All right. Now, you do this, you will
00:49:18.090 Speaker 1 not only feel way, way, way, way, way less anxious, but you're gonna start coming
00:49:23.170 Speaker 1 with some ideas, simple stuff, for what you might could change and how you've
00:49:27.970 Speaker 1 screwed up and how maybe you can stop making it worse. Okay? But now we
00:49:34.030 Speaker 1 need to give you the will, the energy, the drive to actually follow up on some of
00:49:39.710 Speaker 1 these things. This is a gradual process too. Remember the dopamine-seeking
00:49:44.450 Speaker 1 activities thing. All right? You're draining your motivation with this stuff. Not
00:49:49.130 Speaker 1 only are you turning off the part of your brain that's supposed to be helping you
00:49:52.730 Speaker 1 and replacing it with what is essentially white noise,
00:49:57.610 Speaker 1 you're also depleting your entire store of willpower,
00:50:01.650 Speaker 1 and you're basically giving yourself, like, baby motivation. Not even that. Babies
00:50:06.490 Speaker 1 are actually really motivated. I don't know if you ever noticed that. It's a bad
00:50:09.610 Speaker 1 example. Babies are, like, super driven. You can get back to there. [laughs] All
00:50:15.490 Speaker 1 right. Here's how you get your drive and your willpower to do stuff back.
00:50:21.030 Speaker 1 You're kinda like a broken record, right? Your dopamine system is totally wrecked,
00:50:25.690 Speaker 1 and I'll probably get into some more detail on this later.
00:50:30.490 Speaker 1 Here's what works. All right? I figured this out, and I know it works for you,
00:50:36.350 Speaker 1 and then we'll wrap here because you have a lot to think about.
00:50:42.730 Speaker 1 In order to get your willpower back, you need to increase your baseline levels of
00:50:47.689 Speaker 1 dopamine. This is basically how motivated you feel when nothing's going on, right?
00:50:55.890 Speaker 1 On average, on the average day. It's, it's your baseline level of motivation. A
00:50:59.950 Speaker 1 driven person is just somebody with high levels of baseline dopamine, you know, plus
00:51:04.790 Speaker 1 a desire to do something. Right? It gives you the reserves to do something.
00:51:10.950 Speaker 1 All right. You need to start setting rules for yourself, like a lot of rules.
00:51:16.910 Speaker 1 But start small. The most insidious things are the things we've already talked
00:51:21.550 Speaker 1 about, and you know what they feel like. So you're gonna use a technique that I like
00:51:26.990 Speaker 1 to call closing the door behind you on dopamine-seeking activities, okay?
00:51:33.290 Speaker 1 Think about this, closing the door behind you. You have terrible impulse control.
00:51:38.810 Speaker 1 All right? You just, you suck. You suck at it. I still don't know how to not do
00:51:43.270 Speaker 1 things like that I know I shouldn't. Uh, that may surprise you as somebody who
00:51:47.170 Speaker 1 claims to have control over their life, but it's true. Rather than trying to, like,
00:51:52.430 Speaker 1 beat everything with willpower, I don't know how to do that. I still suck at that,
00:51:57.590 Speaker 1 so I don't. I just strategized around it. Now I don't even have to try really at
00:52:02.410 Speaker 1 all. Here's why. I use a technique called close the door behind me.
00:52:08.990 Speaker 1 So here's an example. I'm scrolling through a Twitter feed trying to figure out, you
00:52:13.890 Speaker 1 know, what the market sentiment is for macro markets for investment purposes, right?
00:52:19.230 Speaker 1 It occurs to me,
00:52:21.870 Speaker 1 oh crap, I'm probably going to scroll until two AM.
00:52:28.330 Speaker 1 Have you ever had that feeling sitting in the back seat of your own life? Like, I
00:52:33.190 Speaker 1 know I'm about to do something stupid, and I don't feel like I can stop. Maybe you
00:52:37.570 Speaker 1 try. Maybe you wanna fight it. Like, "No, I'm gonna close it. No, I can do it." All
00:52:42.550 Speaker 1 right. Yeah, that doesn't work. Well, not for me, and not for you because you are
00:52:47.950 Speaker 1 me. The worst version of me, but you can get better.
00:52:52.910 Speaker 1 Here's what you do. Don't fight it. All right, this is gonna sound really crazy, but
00:52:57.130 Speaker 1 cave in. Yeah, stay up until two AM and scroll. That's what you should do. But
00:53:05.010 Speaker 1 you do it in trade, okay? Here's the trick. Your long-term
00:53:10.930 Speaker 1 mind and your short-term mind are in constant conflict. You know, the long-term you
00:53:15.170 Speaker 1 is like, "I know that this is gonna make me tired tomorrow, and I'm gonna feel like
00:53:18.930 Speaker 1 trash, and I've kinda wasted my evening 'cause there was like ten other things I
00:53:21.950 Speaker 1 wanted to do." All right? "And it really wasn't that fun anyway, and it makes me
00:53:25.830 Speaker 1 feel bad afterward, so why are you doing this?" And the other part of you is like,
00:53:30.110 Speaker 1 "Uh, [laughs] I want this." So
00:53:36.450 Speaker 1 you're going to use the short-term mind against itself. All right? You're gonna
00:53:40.370 Speaker 1 trick it. The long-term mind is smarter, okay? You're gonna give the short-term mind
00:53:46.210 Speaker 1 what it wants, but there's a deal, okay? This is like a deal with the devil, but in
00:53:51.830 Speaker 1 this case, it's a deal with an angel. Your long-term mind is gonna win. It's gonna
00:53:56.290 Speaker 1 concede the battle and win the war. Here's what you do. "Okay, short-term self,
00:54:02.210 Speaker 1 I'll let you stay up until two AM. Not only will I let you stay up until two AM
00:54:06.750 Speaker 1 scrolling as long as you want, I promise not to make you feel bad. I won't feel
00:54:12.730 Speaker 1 guilty at all. Okay? I won't make you feel guilty in the slightest. Have fun.
00:54:18.850 Speaker 1 Do it. Go ahead. Scroll as long as you want. Like, have a blast. I, I don't get it,
00:54:24.950 Speaker 1 but do it, okay? Sit on the couch. You can stay up t- late tonight and engage in
00:54:29.850 Speaker 1 this very unhealthy habit. I won't stop you. I won't try to stop you. I won't even
00:54:35.370 Speaker 1 make you feel bad. Have at it." But The
00:54:41.010 Speaker 1 moment you're done and you choose to go to bed, not only do you close the app,
00:54:47.310 Speaker 1 but you uninstall it. You block this website in your hosts file.
00:54:53.790 Speaker 1 For those of you who don't know how to do that, it doesn't matter, okay? It just
00:54:57.390 Speaker 1 means you can't get to the website on this computer, right? Kind of like a school
00:55:01.730 Speaker 1 computer thing. There is other software you can do, use to do the same thing.
00:55:09.830 Speaker 1 What that means is it's a trade. Your long-term mind says, "Cool, I'm
00:55:15.830 Speaker 1 not going to fight you on the impulse control. Go right ahead. You're a moving
00:55:19.870 Speaker 1 freight train. Just do your thing. But I'm going to close the
00:55:25.770 Speaker 1 door behind me on this dopamine-seeking activity so that the next time
00:55:32.330 Speaker 1 I know you're going to get the urge to do this, it's gone and you can't, or at least
00:55:37.870 Speaker 1 it's very hard." And it is significantly easier to do something you
00:55:43.750 Speaker 1 know you shouldn't. It's significantly easier to do the right thing when doing the
00:55:48.950 Speaker 1 wrong thing is exceptionally difficult. All right? The next time you go to open this
00:55:54.450 Speaker 1 app, and you're gonna be like, "It's... Oh, it's gone." It's like stepping off a
00:56:00.210 Speaker 1 stair and there's, like, nothing there. It's like, whoa. That sort of feeling of
00:56:03.710 Speaker 1 like, whoa, wait a minute. It's like waking up because your habit loop trigger is
00:56:08.310 Speaker 1 breaking.
00:56:10.310 Speaker 1 All right? So it's a trick. The long-term mind knows that the short-term mind is
00:56:16.190 Speaker 1 sort of impulsive and foolish, and it will make a deal that is
00:56:22.270 Speaker 1 actually in the long-term mind's best interest. Who cares if you stay up late one
00:56:25.710 Speaker 1 more time? You're trading one more bad habit day for a lifetime
00:56:31.610 Speaker 1 of never doing it again. That's the trick, okay? Close the door
00:56:37.130 Speaker 1 behind you. Now, you can sweeten the deal because brains are crafty,
00:56:43.170 Speaker 1 and there may come a day when you are so desperate for dopamine that you will go
00:56:48.890 Speaker 1 download the Twitter app and log in again, figure out what your password is.
00:56:53.590 Speaker 1 So here's the sweetener, right? Okay? Not only do you... 'Cause the short-term mind
00:56:59.070 Speaker 1 is dumb. It just wants what it wants right now. It'll, it'll agree to anything. This
00:57:02.510 Speaker 1 is the trick. All right? And for those who are curious, your brain is actually kind
00:57:08.090 Speaker 1 of structured like this. They are actually like two different separate minds. Now,
00:57:11.710 Speaker 1 they are unified as a single self, of course, but they are actually like two
00:57:15.730 Speaker 1 different individuals competing and arguing with each other. That's why when you
00:57:20.590 Speaker 1 talk to yourself, you are actually... You are different pieces talking to each
00:57:25.010 Speaker 1 other. Just fun fact. So it is actually two different kind of entities talking to
00:57:29.750 Speaker 1 each other. Weird, huh?
00:57:33.710 Speaker 1 You add a sweetener. Remember, short-term mind will agree to anything. Not only are
00:57:38.650 Speaker 1 you gonna close the door behind you, but there is an implicit threat
00:57:44.470 Speaker 1 here. If I ever see you try to engage in this habit again after
00:57:50.270 Speaker 1 tonight, by the way, tonight you can do whatever you want. Have at it. Have a blast.
00:57:55.310 Speaker 1 If I ever see you try to install this app again or remove, you know, Twitter from
00:57:59.870 Speaker 1 the host file block, if I ever see you try to circumvent the measures that I'm
00:58:05.570 Speaker 1 putting in place after this,
00:58:08.250 Speaker 1 I will punish you, and you will regret that decision severely.
00:58:14.490 Speaker 1 You will never do this again. Is that clear? Speak to yourself exactly like that.
00:58:19.650 Speaker 1 Exactly like that. Okay? And here's the other thing. You need to mean it, and if you
00:58:25.430 Speaker 1 ever do try to circumvent those controls, now, don't hurt yourself or anything like
00:58:29.010 Speaker 1 that. That's not what I'm saying. I mean emotionally. I mean literally blackmail
00:58:34.570 Speaker 1 yourself if that's what it takes. There are no levels you should not go to, you
00:58:38.990 Speaker 1 know, within moral and ethical reason
00:58:43.250 Speaker 1 in order to make it clear that you mean it. We're done with this.
00:58:49.230 Speaker 1 Do not ever cross this line. Not only is it removed and blocked and can you not get
00:58:53.750 Speaker 1 to this thing anymore, or whatever your new normal is, right? It doesn't mean that
00:58:57.710 Speaker 1 closing the door behind you is n- you can never do something. Like, never checking
00:59:00.630 Speaker 1 your email again is not feasible. But you're crafty, and when you turn on your
00:59:05.310 Speaker 1 default mode network, you'll begin to find ways to start to enforce your rules,
00:59:09.270 Speaker 1 okay?
00:59:11.230 Speaker 1 So add that sweetener. It's a self-threat.
00:59:16.010 Speaker 1 Promise, really. It needs to be a promise because you need to believe it, and you
00:59:19.590 Speaker 1 need to question yourself immediately after that. Do I mean that? The answer needs
00:59:24.750 Speaker 1 to come back a one hundred percent resounding, "Oh, hell yes. Do not test
00:59:30.710 Speaker 1 me."
00:59:32.750 Speaker 1 Okay? Cool. Close the door behind you. Get your uptime up for
00:59:38.690 Speaker 1 your default mode network. Turn it on as much as possible. You should be bored more
00:59:43.290 Speaker 1 often, okay? Because that means your brain is starting to work for you instead of
00:59:47.950 Speaker 1 somebody else. All right? You're never gonna solve your own problems if it's not
00:59:52.010 Speaker 1 working for you. And two, close the door behind you on dopamine-seeking activities.
00:59:57.670 Speaker 1 Make it harder and harder and harder to do the things that you know are draining
01:00:03.230 Speaker 1 your willpower in the long term. All right. Keep doing that. In about, well, after
01:00:09.290 Speaker 1 a day, two days, you're gonna start feeling like, "Whoa, I actually, like, kinda
01:00:14.810 Speaker 1 wanna do some things. Like, I think I'm gonna clean the house." This is what boredom
01:00:20.190 Speaker 1 does for you. [chuckles] You will actually have the will to do things. It's crazy.
01:00:26.090 Speaker 1 And by the way, you're gonna keep running into more and more activities as you find
01:00:28.870 Speaker 1 them. That's fine. This is normal. It will take time to find the right rules. And
01:00:32.850 Speaker 1 one last piece of advice, and this is something you're gonna hear me say constantly
01:00:36.050 Speaker 1 for you.
01:00:38.030 Speaker 1 Write down the rules. Read them back to yourself every day. I like in the morning,
01:00:43.130 Speaker 1 first thing you do. Literally, I just use a Google sheet. So I have an internal
01:00:48.990 Speaker 1 locus of control. Let's put that one at the top. I don't blame. I don't deflect. I
01:00:53.430 Speaker 1 don't make excuses ever. Put that one right on the top of the spreadsheet. Right
01:00:58.150 Speaker 1 below that on the next line, growth mindset. I believe that I can change
01:01:05.290 Speaker 1 just about anything about myself. You can take about the just about if you take that
01:01:09.590 Speaker 1 out if you want to. I believe I can change anything about myself. I believe that
01:01:14.430 Speaker 1 anyone can change anything about themselves. That's the second line. I have a growth
01:01:17.489 Speaker 1 mindset. And then right after that, I want you to start writing your rules
01:01:23.270 Speaker 1 for closing the door behind you on your dopamine-seeking activities. Maybe adding
01:01:28.210 Speaker 1 the rules for the routines that you want for increasing your uptime. I take a walk
01:01:33.490 Speaker 1 first thing in the morning, right? I take a long drive when I'm feeling stressed.
01:01:38.830 Speaker 1 Whatever it is, right? I do gardening on Saturdays after whatever this. You
01:01:45.890 Speaker 1 know your life. Follow your own rules. They're yours, remember? I can't fix you.
01:01:51.370 Speaker 1 You're not even broken. You're going to help yourself. It has to come from you.
01:01:57.250 Speaker 1 Internal locus of control. All right. So now you got your spreadsheet. Read it back
01:02:01.610 Speaker 1 to yourself every day. As stupid as that sounds, it takes just a couple seconds.
01:02:04.850 Speaker 1 This is one of the few habits that holds all the others together. It's a master
01:02:08.070 Speaker 1 habit. It contains all of your other habits. It's a self-reinforcing loop of who you
01:02:12.850 Speaker 1 want to be and how you want to act. It will smack you in the face every single
01:02:16.750 Speaker 1 morning and remind you of who you want to be so that you can never, ever forget,
01:02:21.710 Speaker 1 okay? Never stop doing that. Do it every morning. If you forget in the morning, do
01:02:25.350 Speaker 1 it in the afternoon. If you forget in the afternoon, do it at night. If you forget
01:02:28.290 Speaker 1 the whole day, do it the next day. It doesn't matter how long it's been since you've
01:02:32.330 Speaker 1 forgotten. Get back to this one master habit. Read back the principles and rules
01:02:38.050 Speaker 1 that are important. This is how you want to live. Remind yourself.
01:02:44.310 Speaker 1 All right. Make sure you're closing the door behind your dopamine-seeking activities
01:02:49.330 Speaker 1 so that you don't continue to repeat mistakes. This will slowly increase your
01:02:53.370 Speaker 1 baseline levels of dopamine. That takes time. It will take a couple days to start
01:02:57.850 Speaker 1 getting back to normal, maybe a couple weeks to start getting back to like, whoa.
01:03:03.070 Speaker 1 But I guarantee you, if you do all these things, you put them in a spreadsheet and
01:03:06.570 Speaker 1 you remind yourself every morning by reading them back to yourself. In a couple
01:03:10.350 Speaker 1 weeks' time, you will have way more ideas about how to fix your life than you've had
01:03:15.730 Speaker 1 maybe in months or years. And you're just now starting to have the
01:03:21.690 Speaker 1 willpower to follow up on them. You've always known you could do meal
01:03:27.550 Speaker 1 preps for healthy meals, but you just, man, you either couldn't have started or you
01:03:31.970 Speaker 1 couldn't keep the habit. But now, now you feel like maybe I could do
01:03:37.690 Speaker 1 something. And you don't have to do everything because once you have a
01:03:43.550 Speaker 1 little control, well, you know what you can do with that.
01:03:49.050 Speaker 1 You can get some more.
01:03:52.530 Speaker 1 This has been The Fix. Now, get to work.