WEBVTT

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Speaker 1: I can't take another blow.

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Speaker 1: I'm not strong enough.

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Speaker 1: Well, you're wrong,

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Speaker 1: and I'm going to tell you why. This
is The Fix.

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Speaker 1: [claps]

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Speaker 1: Today's topic is how to handle
trauma,

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Speaker 1: specifically trauma that just keeps
coming. It's

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Speaker 1: how to withstand and grow stronger

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Speaker 1: from the hits that just keep coming
in your life.

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Speaker 1: When you feel like you can't take
anymore, when you feel like one more thing
cannot

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Speaker 1: go wrong because I have nothing left,
I'm tapped out.

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Speaker 1: I have no idea how you expect me to
continue to improve and to work on my life

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Speaker 1: problems when crap just keeps going
wrong, and I don't... I can't even get up

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Speaker 1: anymore. I don't know how to handle
this. That is today's topic. But

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Speaker 1: before we dive into today's topic,
The Fixes

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Speaker 1: stack. So we're going to review. So
last time we talked about...

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Speaker 1: Yeah, here, let's just make this a
quiz. That's way more fun. Do we make excuses?

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Speaker 1: Do you blame other people?

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Speaker 1: Do you deflect from uncomfortable
truths?

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Speaker 1: No. Why? Why? Why don't we make
excuses? Why don't we

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Speaker 1: blame other people? Why don't we
deflect uncomfortable truths? Who is it for?

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Speaker 1: Is it for them?

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Speaker 1: Nope. It's for you. That's why. You
give away your power, you give away your

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Speaker 1: control when you do that. All right?
Remember, that's an internal locus of control.

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Speaker 1: Next, remember to have a growth
mindset. What is a growth mindset?

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Speaker 1: [humming] It's just the

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Speaker 1: belief that you and other people can
change. You can improve,

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Speaker 1: okay? It's just that belief. Hold
that belief in your head. And then two more

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Speaker 1: concepts to review. Take less
information in. Our last episode was about how
to get

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Speaker 1: control in your life. Are you taking
in less information? Are you

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Speaker 1: making quiet time? Here's something I
do to get quiet time. I call

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Speaker 1: it thinking time. When I have a
specific problem I want to work on, I will pull
up

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Speaker 1: some journaling software, I'll close
everything, and I will put on some

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Speaker 1: non-vocal music, and I will journal
on a specific question as

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Speaker 1: the prompt. Sometimes this will take
the form of a question-answer back and forth,

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Speaker 1: like a conversation with myself. I
will literally type out exactly what I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking. "How am I going to be able
to build this prototype?"

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Speaker 1: Answer: "Well, you don't have any of
the skills, so you're probably gonna have to

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Speaker 1: find somebody to help you with this
part." Question: "Where will I find them? I

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Speaker 1: don't know anybody who can do that."
Answer: "No, but you know where you could

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Speaker 1: potentially find them. They might be
over here, and you know how to meet people, so

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Speaker 1: go just make a forum post or
something." Question: "Okay, but what

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Speaker 1: forums would I ask, and how could I
incentivize these people to help me?" Answer...

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Speaker 1: You get the point. It's a back and
forth. I have lots of different kinds of
thinking

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Speaker 1: time, but that one is one of the
easiest. Okay. But most importantly, you need

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Speaker 1: dead air. You need time where you're
not doing anything with

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Speaker 1: your brain. It's just quiet. Doesn't
have to actually be quiet, but no

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Speaker 1: information should be coming in.
Default mode network. Let your mind wander
because

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Speaker 1: that's when you start sorting through
all the clutter in your head. It's a

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Speaker 1: decluttering. And finally, close the
door behind you. This is the last important

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Speaker 1: concept. When you engage in a
dopamine-seeking activity, instead of

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Speaker 1: fighting with willpower to stop doing
it before you do it, that's called impulse

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Speaker 1: control, just do it. As long as it's
not like dis... super destructive or,

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Speaker 1: [chuckles] you know, unethical, like,
fine, scroll through social media. Fine, check

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Speaker 1: your email. Fine, eat this candy bar.
But make sure you create a

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Speaker 1: wager with yourself. "I will eat this
candy bar, but I am going to do struc-

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Speaker 1: something structurally different in
my life." Be specific. It has to be specific,

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Speaker 1: not, "I'll do better." That doesn't
work. You have to say something like,

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Speaker 1: "After I eat this candy bar, I
promise to call two friends or send a

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Speaker 1: text message saying, 'I am not going
to eat another one of these candy bars ever,

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Speaker 1: and if I do, I will give you $500.'"
Right? Maybe that's a little extreme, but you

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Speaker 1: get the concept, right? Figure out
whatever it means for you. Find a way to close

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Speaker 1: the door behind you on habits and
dopamine-seeking activities you don't want

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Speaker 1: anymore. Now, you choose what you
want to stop doing, okay? It has to come from
you.

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Speaker 1: All right. So that was last episode.
Now let's get to the topic at hand.

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Speaker 1: You're reeling. You've taken so many
hits you can't take anymore. It's

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Speaker 1: unbelievable the crap that life has
served you up. How could you possibly

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Speaker 1: keep going when you're not even sure
how to take another step? Okay.

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Speaker 1: I will give you the punchline now,
and then we're gonna dive into, you know, the

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Speaker 1: individual tactics for how I have
figured out how to deal with trauma

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Speaker 1: that just keeps coming. Without going
into the details,

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Speaker 1: it's not hard to imagine that every
single human being alive has suffered

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Speaker 1: profoundly. Even the rich and
powerful cannot avoid death, sickness, and
dismay.

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Speaker 1: It's not possible. When you look at
another person, just remember they have suffered

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Speaker 1: something in their life almost
unspeakable, okay? You are not alone in this
pain.

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Speaker 1: And here's the punchline, you have
everything you need already

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Speaker 1: to not only bear it but grow stronger
from it. That may not feel true,

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Speaker 1: but if you just have the strength to
keep listening, the fixes are here if you're

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Speaker 1: willing to apply them. Are you ready
to feel?

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Speaker 1: Remember the first lie of the
podcast. There's nothing to fix. You have it all

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Speaker 1: already. All right? So you should
have known that would be the punchline in the

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Speaker 1: first place.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to show you what worked for
me, but you have to apply it.

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Speaker 1: I cannot do it for you.

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Speaker 1: You can listen, and that is enough
for now.

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Speaker 1: Are you tired of not only living in
pain but living underneath it like

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Speaker 1: a mountain to the point where you
have no idea how to

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Speaker 1: continue living, much less how to
solve your problems because the burden of

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Speaker 1: what has happened to you and keeps
happening to you is just

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Speaker 1: far, far too great to bear.

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Speaker 1: I can give you the fixes for how to
get out from under all that pain and,

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Speaker 1: if you can believe it, be stronger
than you've ever been, maybe stronger

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Speaker 1: than you ever thought you could be.
All of that is possible for you

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Speaker 1: if you choose to take action on all
the fixes we

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Speaker 1: have to talk about today.

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Speaker 1: But before we get into the tactics
and the strategy stuff, I wanted to give you

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Speaker 1: maybe something a little out of left
field, the kind of advice you're not used to

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Speaker 1: hearing when you feel like trash, um,

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Speaker 1: and you feel almost numb at this
point.

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Speaker 1: Let's give you a little Darwinian
confidence.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you've lost a loved one. Maybe
you've been betrayed by a loved one.

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Speaker 1: Maybe your professional sports team's
airplane has crashed somewhere in the Arctic,

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Speaker 1: and you have to start eating your
friends to survive. That's a fun story that

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Speaker 1: happened. Maybe your super genius
military contractor

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Speaker 1: ex-husband has gone crazy and is
using the invisibility suit he invented to

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Speaker 1: terrorize you and eventually kill you
after faking his own death, and nobody

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Speaker 1: believes you. That's Hollow Man. That
didn't happen, but that story is awesome. The

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Speaker 1: new movie's great. You should go
watch it. Whatever your deal is,

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Speaker 1: I know you have the strength to tap
for it, and here's how I

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Speaker 1: know.

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Speaker 1: Did you know that there have been
multiple times in human, early human history
where

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Speaker 1: our species was almost entirely wiped
out? Like we almost went extinct multiple

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Speaker 1: times. There was one time where our
population may have... We can look at this

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Speaker 1: through, um, genetic bottlenecking,
um, basically what genes we all share. You can

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Speaker 1: work backwards and figure out that
there may have been a time in human history
where

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Speaker 1: there were as few as tens of
thousands of humans left on the entire planet.

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Speaker 1: If I recall correctly, there was a
super volcano explosion that put an enormous

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Speaker 1: amount of ash in the atmosphere and
sort of created, you know, something like a

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Speaker 1: nuclear winter, right? It's just,
it's cloudy all the time to the point where

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Speaker 1: nothing can grow. There's no food.
You're frigid or it's hot. The climate is

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Speaker 1: completely unstable. Um, imagine how
that must have felt as an early human.

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Speaker 1: They got down to tens of thousands of
people left. That's insane. That

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Speaker 1: would be like your little tribe, and
you're not even aware that there's another

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Speaker 1: tribe left anywhere on the planet.
How must they have felt?

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Speaker 1: But they did survive. We as a species
survived. So that makes

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Speaker 1: you, not only that, but a million
other challenges throughout human history.

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Speaker 1: So that makes you the latest,
greatest model in

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Speaker 1: an unbroken chain competing over a

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Speaker 1: billion years of the bloodiest, most
competitive [chuckles]

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Speaker 1: game in the universe, Darwinian
evolution, survival by natural

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Speaker 1: selection, okay? Survival of the
fittest. You are the best

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Speaker 1: creature nature has ever produced.
You are the most capable. Not only are you the

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Speaker 1: most capable, but you are the
descendants of every single

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Speaker 1: winner over a billion years back to a
single cellular life form. Without even

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Speaker 1: knowing who you are, I can tell you
that because I know you're listening to this,

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Speaker 1: which means you are standing atop a
mile-high mountain of

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Speaker 1: bodies of losers who could not handle
Being alive

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Speaker 1: in the same way your ancestors did.
You are a champion of champions

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Speaker 1: across a billion years. So yeah, I
think you can handle

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Speaker 1: whatever life has to throw at you.
You can handle just about anything if you

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Speaker 1: choose to find the answers, find the
fixes, and use them. You

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Speaker 1: have the power.

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Speaker 1: And in fact, all inner strength comes
from

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Speaker 1: suffering overcome. That's it. That's
where all inner strength in life

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Speaker 1: comes from. Think about what gives
you confidence and makes you feel powerful
today.

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Speaker 1: I guarantee you it is because you
struggled to overcome something difficult

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Speaker 1: and painful. All right? So that
means,

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Speaker 1: and this is going to be a running
theme throughout the entire episode today,
trauma

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Speaker 1: is either tragedy that mortally
wounds you and which you never recover from,

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Speaker 1: or it is an opportunity to become
stronger than you have ever been.

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Speaker 1: And here's the beautiful part. You
get to choose the outcome

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Speaker 1: as long as you are alive. It works
backwards in history too. Any trauma you have
not

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Speaker 1: yet recovered from can be a source of
strength if you can reframe it

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Speaker 1: properly. We'll get into that, but
this part is a choice,

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Speaker 1: okay? We've all known people who 20
years ago had something happen to them, and

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Speaker 1: they've either never forgiven
somebody, never forgiven themselves, never moved
on,

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Speaker 1: and it became the excuse that they
hung their entire life on. And sometimes they
die

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Speaker 1: that way, and it is the saddest waste
of a life possible.

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Speaker 1: So here is the first important fix
today. Trauma is either

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Speaker 1: opportunity or tragedy, and you get
to choose which it is.

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Speaker 1: The worst thing that ever happened to
you can be the best thing that ever happened

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Speaker 1: to you because it makes you powerful.

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Speaker 1: You cannot be hurt in the same way
again. You cannot fall in the same way again

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Speaker 1: because it made you stronger. This is
a concept called anti-fragility.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 1: I'll give you a moment to speak, past
Stephen.

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Speaker 1: I have no idea how you expect me to
turn

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Speaker 1: anything bad that has happened to me

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Speaker 1: into something good. Like, I get,
like, what you're trying to say, but I feel like

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Speaker 1: you're just trying to make y- me feel
better. I can't... How am I, how am I

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Speaker 1: supposed to get stronger when I'm
continually going down? Like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure how to keep going
another week. Like, it takes all of my effort to
keep

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Speaker 1: going another day. How in the world
do I get

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Speaker 1: the will, the strength to, like,
actually do any of this? Like, it just

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Speaker 1: sounds like words. I have no idea.

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Speaker 1: It seems kind of inconceivable, kind
of unbelievable that it could make me stronger.

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Speaker 1: But I'm listening.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so we will get into trauma as
opportunity or tragedy, but not yet.

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Speaker 1: First, you're right. We gotta get you
feeling better first. It's so hard

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Speaker 1: to do anything when you just keep
taking hits. So we're gonna get you back into a

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Speaker 1: position where you can start taking
some more hits, okay? And then you'll be in a

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Speaker 1: place to start doing the sort of hard
emotional self-reflection and introspection

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Speaker 1: work that is necessary to actually
grow stronger permanently, okay? So let's get
you

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Speaker 1: some quick fixes to start feeling
better as fast as is reasonable. Okay,

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Speaker 1: here's something that I've learned.
Man, I don't know how to not go down, okay? If

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Speaker 1: you're looking for answers on how to,
like, make bad things stop happening to you,

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Speaker 1: yo, I got nothing. I don't know how
to do that. If you, somebody else knows how to

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Speaker 1: do that, please tell me because you
should go listen to their podcast instead. But

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Speaker 1: short of that, it is my assumption
that life is gonna continue serving u- serving

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Speaker 1: you up an endless stream of problems
non-stop. Doesn't care how strong you are, how

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Speaker 1: weak you are. They're just gonna keep
coming, and that is just a fundamental aspect

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Speaker 1: of being alive, okay? So let's start
from the premise of you can't stop big, bad

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Speaker 1: problems from coming. You can't stop
little problems from coming. You can foresee

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Speaker 1: some of them. You can strategize
around some of them. But really, even if you do

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Speaker 1: everything right, you're still gonna
get smacked across the face when you least

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Speaker 1: expect it, pretty much on a regular
basis.

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Speaker 1: So what I've done, rather than
optimize for the ability to just keep taking
hits,

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Speaker 1: "Come at me. I'm invincible. I can
handle anything," a lot of people take that

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Speaker 1: approach, and I think maybe that's
the intuitive approach. I don't really focus on

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Speaker 1: that. Yes, I have tools to be able to
handle new problems coming in, and we'll talk

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Speaker 1: about that in a second, but what I've
chosen to optimize for instead is emotional

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Speaker 1: recovery. Rather than getting good at
not going down, I have

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Speaker 1: gotten good at getting back up
quickly.

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Speaker 1: This has made me far more resilient,
and it's more than just a perspective, okay? I

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Speaker 1: have tools to do that, and we're
gonna get into it. In just a second here. Um,
but

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Speaker 1: the gist is that's where I think it
makes more sense to focus. Stop trying to be

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Speaker 1: invincible. Stop trying to bear every
burden. Stop trying to not have

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Speaker 1: feelings and to be able to withstand
any pain and bottle it all up, because

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Speaker 1: eventually you're going to shatter.
And when that happens, everyone sees it. It's a

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Speaker 1: mental breakdown. It's a, I don't
know, it's a divorce, and you, you've run away,
or

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Speaker 1: you, you cheat on a spouse. Like,
it's basically you cave in 'cause you can take
no

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Speaker 1: more and you've just fallen apart.
But if those people had instead...

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Speaker 1: Instead of optimizing for taking
every possible hit without going down,

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Speaker 1: they optimized for getting back up
quickly to normal and healthy,

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Speaker 1: you can withstand anything. It makes
you so resilient and flexible

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Speaker 1: and is way, way less stressful
because now I don't have to worry about the what
if.

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Speaker 1: You know? I'm a dad, I'm a husband,
I'm a lot of things. I'm a coworker, I'm an

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Speaker 1: employee, um,

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Speaker 1: I'm a friend. I have so many
different roles, and there's a lot of people who
count

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Speaker 1: on me, and if I use the strategy
where I can't,

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Speaker 1: I can't let them down. I guess it's
the easiest way to say it. And there are people

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Speaker 1: in your life who probably rely on
you, and if there aren't, that's another episode

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Speaker 1: that I have planned

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Speaker 1: about how to bring people into the
li-- into your life that you want in your life,

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Speaker 1: but that's not today.

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Speaker 1: You don't need anyone else. I don't
optimize for not going down. I

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Speaker 1: optimize for getting back up quickly,
and I have mindset and emotional tools in

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Speaker 1: order to do that. All right.

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Speaker 1: So let's talk about how to do this.

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Speaker 1: Let's just pretend something terrible
has just happened to me, okay? And it's the

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Speaker 1: fourth such major event in two years,
okay? I got nothing left.

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Speaker 1: Well, we'll use the you framing
'cause I'm talking to you, past me. You got
nothing

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Speaker 1: left. You're tapped out. What do you
do to get back up again?

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Speaker 1: Okay. Well, the first thing you do is
you stop pride. Stop wrapping up

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Speaker 1: your pride, your self-worth in not
going down and not being able... It

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Speaker 1: is not shameful to fall, to fail. It
is shameful

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Speaker 1: to stay down. Okay? That is the first
thing you're going to begin repeating to

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Speaker 1: yourself when you feel this way. "I
can't take another blow. I'm not strong enough."

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Speaker 1: No. Pattern interrupt. Now, if you
recall the morning routine sheet that we talked

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Speaker 1: about last time, this is a good one
to add potentially.

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Speaker 1: You say to yourself, "Pattern
interrupt." Okay? You're going to say,

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Speaker 1: "No, it's okay to go down. It's not

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Speaker 1: okay to stay down. I don't give up. I

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Speaker 1: don't quit. I have to get back up."
This is a fundamental rule.

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Speaker 1: There is no scenario in which you
don't get back up. This is a new belief, and you

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Speaker 1: must repeat it to yourself over and
over and over again. It's okay to go

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Speaker 1: down.

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Speaker 1: I'm not less of a, I'm not less of a
person for that. It's fine. Everyone goes

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Speaker 1: down. I don't blame myself. I release
myself of all guilt from going

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Speaker 1: down in the first place, for not
being the dad or the husband or the friend or
the

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Speaker 1: employee that I should have been, for
falling this far.

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Speaker 1: It's okay.

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Speaker 1: No problem. But it's only okay
because

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Speaker 1: it's not okay to stay down. It's okay
because I am getting back up.

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Speaker 1: Guess what? You're gonna get knocked
on your butt again. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in

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Speaker 1: five minutes from now. After making
your resolve, "All right, let's get back up and

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Speaker 1: try again," you get a horrible phone
call. You get an angry email because guess

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Speaker 1: what? Problems compound. The more
problems you have, the less you're able to deal

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Speaker 1: with them, the more problems you get
because you're not dealing with your problems.

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Speaker 1: So understand there is way more pain
coming your way, but you can handle it

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Speaker 1: because

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Speaker 1: is it okay to go down?

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Speaker 1: Is it okay if you crash today? You
feel terrible, you engage in horrible habits.

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Speaker 1: Now, I'm not giving you license to do
that, but I am saying, is it okay?

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Speaker 1: Can you live with yourself? Can you
still love yourself? Can you still be okay? Yes.

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Speaker 1: Why?

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Speaker 1: Because you don't stay down. That is
intolerable.

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Speaker 1: That is the one thing you will not
accept of yourself any longer. Do you

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Speaker 1: stay down?

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Speaker 1: No, you don't.

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Speaker 1: And that is now a fundamental rule
that you will never break.

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Speaker 1: And the beautiful part about this new
rule is it doesn't matter how long you've been

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Speaker 1: down. You've been down for twenty
years. You can now

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Speaker 1: live by this rule simply by getting
up and trying again. Okay? That's the

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Speaker 1: first rule. All right. Second of all,
here's something I use to help me prevent

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Speaker 1: spiraling in the first place, but it
also helps me get out of rock bottom, okay?

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Speaker 1: When you bounce off rock bottom, it
happens because you cannot take any more, and

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Speaker 1: you are given the motivation and the
will to change something. All right? It is a

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Speaker 1: gift.

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Speaker 1: Here's how you make sure you actually
get back up, right? It's an actual or

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Speaker 1: emotional recovery. You can start
feeling better by doing a pattern interrupt

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Speaker 1: on your negative thought loops. Okay?
This is on my sheet, and you might

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Speaker 1: consider adding it to yours, but use
your own words in a way that feels right. When

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Speaker 1: I hit a negative feedback loop,

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Speaker 1: I stop and think the positive
inverse. Okay? This is a fancy way of

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Speaker 1: codifying optimism, okay? Everyone
will tell you to be optimistic. This is how I've

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Speaker 1: turned optimism into something
actionable and useful instead of a constant
delusion.

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Speaker 1: Okay? Optimism is a very powerful
force, but you gotta apply it in a way that

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Speaker 1: doesn't make you feel cynical and
becomes delusional.

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Speaker 1: Problems suck, and sometimes trying
to reframe them as something incredible is just,

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Speaker 1: it's a delusion too far. But you can
apply it in this one small way, okay? When you

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Speaker 1: feel bad, you are repeating negative
thoughts in your head. It's

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Speaker 1: a phenomenon called rumination. Okay?
It's a little echo chamber in there, and as

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Speaker 1: the thoughts bounce around, they
amplify, getting louder and louder and louder.
Your

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00:25:46.228 --> 00:25:51.248
Speaker 1: anxiety gets crazier. Your depression
gets worse. It seems like

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Speaker 1: that everything is terrible. The
world is ending. Your life is ending. It's all

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Speaker 1: over. How could I possibly take
another blow? I'm not strong enough. Okay? You
need

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Speaker 1: a release valve. Pssh. Let those
thoughts out. Okay? You're

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Speaker 1: gonna do that in two ways. One is
this pattern interrupt. You need to repeat to

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Speaker 1: yourself over and over and over
again. Catch yourself the moment you start
thinking

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Speaker 1: a negative thought pattern. "I'm
gonna get fired. I don't deserve this job. I

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00:26:23.068 --> 00:26:28.168
Speaker 1: haven't done crap in two weeks. They
should fire me. Honestly, I don't know how I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna get another job anyway. I don't
know why they would hire me. What am I even

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Speaker 1: good at?" That,

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Speaker 1: you stop when you experience that. It
will take practice. By the way, I've done it

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00:26:39.848 --> 00:26:43.788
Speaker 1: so often it's reflexive, but it will
take conscious practice, which is why you

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Speaker 1: remind yourself of it every morning
so that you can continually bake it into your

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Speaker 1: subconscious until... Oh, we'll get
to this in a second. Then you think the positive

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Speaker 1: inverse. "No,

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Speaker 1: I can do good work. I have done good
work in the past. Yeah, I kinda sucked lately,

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Speaker 1: but I've been in a lot of pain. I can
do better, and I will try again. And

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Speaker 1: honestly, I probably should have
taken some time off. Like, I can do better. I am
a

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Speaker 1: good employee. I have helped people
in the past, and I can do it again somehow. I'm

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00:27:17.788 --> 00:27:19.008
Speaker 1: not as good as I used to be, but,

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00:27:20.528 --> 00:27:25.408
Speaker 1: you know, I can do better." That is a
positive thought. Muster the most positive

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00:27:25.468 --> 00:27:31.368
Speaker 1: thought you can. Specifically, it
must be the positive reflection, the inverse of

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Speaker 1: your negative thought. Okay? So when
you start to ruminate, s- thought spiral,

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Speaker 1: negative, negative, negative, getting
worse, spiraling down, spiraling down. Stop.

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Speaker 1: Stop spiraling down. Switch it and
think the exact positive inverse, even if it

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Speaker 1: feels fake. Even if it feels kinda
forced, do it anyway. The human

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Speaker 1: brain bakes into its head whatever it
is you do repeatedly. If you are feeling

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Speaker 1: terrible, chances are you have a
habit of negative rumination, especially after
this

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Speaker 1: much trauma. Okay? You're going to
break that habit. It is just a habit of thought.

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Speaker 1: That is most of the reason you feel
like trash. Yes, there are real-life problems,

325
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Speaker 1: but your inability to deal with those
real-life problems is the real problem. Okay?

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Speaker 1: You can solve nothing, and you can
never truly feel better as long as you are

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Speaker 1: basically in a nosedive of negative
thought spirals. Start building the habit of

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Speaker 1: noticing first, this is the first
skill, noticing the negative thought pattern. "I

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Speaker 1: don't spiral. No. I don't do this."
Interrupt is the second part.

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Speaker 1: Positive inverse. "I can, I will, I
am capable of..." Find

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00:28:49.908 --> 00:28:54.048
Speaker 1: whatever feels true, the most true
you can manage. If you can find nothing that

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Speaker 1: feels true in a positive inverse,
just make it up. I'm telling you, even if it

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00:29:00.008 --> 00:29:05.808
Speaker 1: feels fake, you will begin to build a
habit so strong it's reflexive. I have had

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Speaker 1: moments where I'm in a negative
thought pattern, way in it, like consciously in
it,

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00:29:10.188 --> 00:29:15.028
Speaker 1: not even like thinking about, "I
should be thinking positive. I know this will
make

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00:29:15.068 --> 00:29:15.708
Speaker 1: me feel bad."

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Speaker 1: And it's like a voice. [chuckles]
It's, it's crazy. It's almost like somebody
called

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Speaker 1: me on the phone, but it's in my own
head and said, "Stop. If you act like that,

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00:29:27.068 --> 00:29:32.408
Speaker 1: you're gonna feel like trash." And
that is exactly how it works. Your mood

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00:29:32.508 --> 00:29:37.608
Speaker 1: follows your thoughts. Your thoughts
create your mood. This is the fundamental

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00:29:37.648 --> 00:29:41.668
Speaker 1: premise of cognitive behavioral
therapy, which we'll go into a little bit more
when

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00:29:41.708 --> 00:29:46.228
Speaker 1: we talk about anxiety and depression
specifically in another episode. But this is

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Speaker 1: the basic premise. Your thoughts
create your mood. If you have a

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Speaker 1: habitual negative thought pattern,
you are going to habitually, constantly

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00:29:57.708 --> 00:30:03.588
Speaker 1: feel like trash. This will make you
feel better, guaranteed. Guaranteed.

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00:30:04.588 --> 00:30:08.368
Speaker 1: There has been no nosedive I've ever
been able to not pull out of because of this.

347
00:30:09.548 --> 00:30:13.988
Speaker 1: But it's going to take practice, and
you need to be reminded to do this somehow. Put

348
00:30:14.048 --> 00:30:20.008
Speaker 1: sticky notes everywhere. When I hit a
negative feedback loop, I stop and think

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00:30:20.048 --> 00:30:22.548
Speaker 1: the positive inverse. Okay.

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00:30:24.208 --> 00:30:27.048
Speaker 1: That will make you start feeling
better. The other thing you can do, and this is

351
00:30:27.088 --> 00:30:31.488
Speaker 1: gonna sound dumb Go to all the people
you're failing because you're down and you

352
00:30:31.528 --> 00:30:35.888
Speaker 1: can't take any more hits, whoever it
is. And if you're not really failing anybody,

353
00:30:36.008 --> 00:30:41.768
Speaker 1: and this is a personal struggle, you
need to find somebody to talk to. Tell them

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00:30:41.968 --> 00:30:47.208
Speaker 1: straight up everything that is wrong
and everything that you feel. Open up to

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00:30:47.268 --> 00:30:52.868
Speaker 1: another human being. This is the best
way to release pressure, because what it

356
00:30:52.928 --> 00:30:57.648
Speaker 1: does is it takes you out of your echo
chamber. I have this theory that humans need

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Speaker 1: to ground themself in what is sane or
insane, and I have no problem using the word

358
00:31:02.648 --> 00:31:07.368
Speaker 1: insane. I, I don't know why this got
a stigma. Insane is literally...

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00:31:08.868 --> 00:31:14.208
Speaker 1: It's just the inability for you to
act the way you want to act. It is

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Speaker 1: unhelpful thoughts and behavior that
is, quite frankly, crazy. I have no problem

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Speaker 1: using the word crazy either. Uh, I
mean, I don't use it as an insult, but when

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00:31:24.168 --> 00:31:30.108
Speaker 1: applied to oneself, there are times
we feel crazy. And the way you

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00:31:30.188 --> 00:31:36.068
Speaker 1: have to get better is you have to
calibrate against other humans. If you stay in

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00:31:36.108 --> 00:31:41.628
Speaker 1: your own head with your big problems,
you will go crazy, okay?

365
00:31:42.268 --> 00:31:46.028
Speaker 1: Thought pattern interrupting will
pull you out of these nosedives and start making

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Speaker 1: you feel better. But you need to
still calibrate against other people, because

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Speaker 1: you will begin to form, especially if
you've gone through a lot of trauma and you

368
00:31:55.688 --> 00:32:01.288
Speaker 1: have not recovered for a long time,
you have distorted beliefs in your head.

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Speaker 1: You can think of this just like m-
terrible wiring in a machine. The wires are all

370
00:32:06.548 --> 00:32:10.328
Speaker 1: tangled, and they're all connected to
the wrong places, and there's sparks shooting

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Speaker 1: out. You need to rewire everything
back to a, a ri- [chuckles] like a healthy

372
00:32:16.148 --> 00:32:21.948
Speaker 1: way by calibrating yourself against
another person that you respect. Now, it's very

373
00:32:21.988 --> 00:32:26.568
Speaker 1: important that you pick somebody
who's a good listener. You tell them that
primarily

374
00:32:26.608 --> 00:32:32.188
Speaker 1: what you want is for them to listen
and not to provide advice, okay?

375
00:32:32.968 --> 00:32:36.268
Speaker 1: Especially if you're somebody who is
feeling very vulnerable and insecure about your

376
00:32:36.308 --> 00:32:40.168
Speaker 1: problems. I don't know what, it could
be a drug addiction. Who knows, right? You

377
00:32:40.208 --> 00:32:43.988
Speaker 1: could have any number of problems,
right? And it's probably very hard for you to

378
00:32:44.028 --> 00:32:48.148
Speaker 1: share this with another person,
especially if you never have, or you rarely do,
or

379
00:32:48.188 --> 00:32:53.188
Speaker 1: you're ashamed of it. What you d...
When you share, open up to another person that

380
00:32:53.228 --> 00:32:57.688
Speaker 1: you respect, somebody you believe who
won't retaliate, they won't start getting

381
00:32:57.748 --> 00:33:02.548
Speaker 1: nosy. Specifically, they won't judge
you. That will make everything worse. Find

382
00:33:02.588 --> 00:33:06.668
Speaker 1: somebody you know who will listen, a
good friend. And if you can't find somebody,

383
00:33:07.048 --> 00:33:11.768
Speaker 1: da, da, da, da, da, da, this is what
therapy is for. Go pay somebody who is pay,

384
00:33:11.868 --> 00:33:16.588
Speaker 1: being paid to be a good listener,
okay? You can do online therapy pretty cheaply.

385
00:33:18.048 --> 00:33:22.648
Speaker 1: When you open up to another person,
you are calibrating against them. You're

386
00:33:22.688 --> 00:33:26.928
Speaker 1: basically asking, "Am I crazy?" So
what they will reply with is probably...

387
00:33:28.728 --> 00:33:32.948
Speaker 1: And then, uh, you know, when you're
done basically monologuing, just get their take.

388
00:33:33.128 --> 00:33:36.988
Speaker 1: Just say, "What do you think?" Okay?
This is when you cede the floor to them, after

389
00:33:37.028 --> 00:33:41.188
Speaker 1: you feel you've expressed everything
you wanted to say. And it's very important that

390
00:33:41.228 --> 00:33:46.508
Speaker 1: you say everything you want to say.
You're not forced to open up. Don't share

391
00:33:46.608 --> 00:33:51.868
Speaker 1: anything that feels like you're being
forced to share it. Share... It should feel

392
00:33:51.908 --> 00:33:56.848
Speaker 1: cathartic. As, uh, well, it feels
terrible at first, but as you open up, as you

393
00:33:56.908 --> 00:34:02.728
Speaker 1: express yourself, you'll begin to
feel a great relief flood through you. That's a

394
00:34:02.768 --> 00:34:07.088
Speaker 1: good sign. Keep going. When you're
done with that, get their take, okay? "What do

395
00:34:07.148 --> 00:34:12.628
Speaker 1: you think? Am I crazy?" Tell them
your worst fears. Tell them everything you're

396
00:34:12.708 --> 00:34:13.468
Speaker 1: terrified of.

397
00:34:15.568 --> 00:34:19.108
Speaker 1: They will almost certainly reply, at
least in my experience, in every single one of

398
00:34:19.148 --> 00:34:21.528
Speaker 1: these conversations, whether
receiving or sending this,

399
00:34:23.428 --> 00:34:29.368
Speaker 1: they will say, "Basically, 10% of
your problems are real problems. The other

400
00:34:29.528 --> 00:34:34.588
Speaker 1: 90% is just stuff you made up." And
while you may have known this in your head,

401
00:34:35.868 --> 00:34:40.348
Speaker 1: the human brain mostly discounts its
own advice like this. 'Cause remember, you've

402
00:34:40.368 --> 00:34:43.388
Speaker 1: been ruminating in an echo chamber in
your head. These thoughts have been bouncing

403
00:34:43.428 --> 00:34:47.608
Speaker 1: around so long that it's not enough
just to release the negative thoughts and start

404
00:34:47.647 --> 00:34:52.668
Speaker 1: turning them positive and create a
new habit there. You also have to start rewiring

405
00:34:52.728 --> 00:34:57.328
Speaker 1: all those terrible beliefs that
you've started to believe. You might actually

406
00:34:57.368 --> 00:35:03.348
Speaker 1: believe that you're not worthy of a
good spouse. You're not worthy to

407
00:35:03.388 --> 00:35:08.708
Speaker 1: keep working at your job. You really
do suck, right? You will begin to believe these

408
00:35:08.748 --> 00:35:14.568
Speaker 1: things, and when you open up to
another person, they will calibrate for you

409
00:35:14.628 --> 00:35:18.128
Speaker 1: which of your problems are real
problems and which are not. Something along the

410
00:35:18.168 --> 00:35:22.768
Speaker 1: lines of, "Well, I mean, it sounds
like you used to be pretty good at your job, or

411
00:35:22.808 --> 00:35:26.668
Speaker 1: you used to enjoy it. And, you know,
there's probably some simple things you could

412
00:35:26.688 --> 00:35:30.388
Speaker 1: do to get better, and I don't know,
you've gone through a lot. Kind of makes sense.

413
00:35:30.988 --> 00:35:34.408
Speaker 1: And I don't think that they would
fire you. Why don't you just go talk to them and

414
00:35:34.448 --> 00:35:37.948
Speaker 1: tell them you go, you're going
through a hard time?" Uh, they will basically

415
00:35:38.008 --> 00:35:43.608
Speaker 1: calibrate for you. Most decent human
beings, I'm sorry if you, if you happen to run

416
00:35:43.668 --> 00:35:48.928
Speaker 1: across a, a sociopath who is
unwilling to help you. [chuckles] They happen.
Um, but

417
00:35:48.968 --> 00:35:53.608
Speaker 1: for the most part, everyone is
understanding, and they know something is wrong
with

418
00:35:53.668 --> 00:35:57.568
Speaker 1: you. We always know when somebody
else is in deep pain,

419
00:35:59.368 --> 00:36:03.168
Speaker 1: and they'll probably just be relieved
that you finally opened up to them about it

420
00:36:04.308 --> 00:36:09.128
Speaker 1: because now they feel like they can
help, all right? And they feel like you're on

421
00:36:09.148 --> 00:36:13.368
Speaker 1: the same team again, and you will
feel great realizing that 90% of the things that

422
00:36:13.388 --> 00:36:18.688
Speaker 1: you imagined, "Everyone hates me. I
suck," they will be like, "What? No way.

423
00:36:19.528 --> 00:36:23.888
Speaker 1: I mean, I haven't even noticed that
you haven't been doing a good job at work," or,

424
00:36:24.188 --> 00:36:29.768
Speaker 1: "Wow, this is a shock to me," or,
"No," like, "We really appreciate you." Um, or

425
00:36:29.828 --> 00:36:34.028
Speaker 1: even if some of it is true, you'll
find out what's true and what isn't, and that's

426
00:36:34.068 --> 00:36:38.308
Speaker 1: why this is a very useful exercise.
So there's your tool tool, your two tools for

427
00:36:38.348 --> 00:36:41.048
Speaker 1: emotional recovery. One,

428
00:36:42.608 --> 00:36:47.128
Speaker 1: you don't spiral into negative
thought patterns because you stop, you do that

429
00:36:47.188 --> 00:36:51.908
Speaker 1: interrupt, and you think the positive
inverse. Make it habitual. Remind yourself to

430
00:36:51.968 --> 00:36:56.508
Speaker 1: keep doing it. It will take practice.
Then eventually, you will have a habit of

431
00:36:56.548 --> 00:37:00.028
Speaker 1: thinking positive thoughts, and
you'll have the habit of interrupting the
negative

432
00:37:00.068 --> 00:37:05.348
Speaker 1: thoughts so you don't go down nearly
as often, and you can start recovering. You

433
00:37:05.388 --> 00:37:10.768
Speaker 1: have to undo basically false beliefs,
incorrect views of

434
00:37:10.828 --> 00:37:16.728
Speaker 1: reality by speaking with another
person who is a good listener, who can help you

435
00:37:16.828 --> 00:37:22.268
Speaker 1: calibrate and become less crazy. You
can ditch all the beliefs that you've started

436
00:37:23.448 --> 00:37:27.568
Speaker 1: miswiring because you've been stuck
in your own head for too long, and you can

437
00:37:27.628 --> 00:37:31.468
Speaker 1: figure out which of your problems are
real and which ones are fake. And the most

438
00:37:31.508 --> 00:37:36.668
Speaker 1: beautiful part about that is about 80
to 90% of your problems will evaporate because

439
00:37:36.768 --> 00:37:41.688
Speaker 1: you begin to realize they weren't
real. I just made them up because I was going

440
00:37:41.728 --> 00:37:47.088
Speaker 1: insane in my own head. Okay, so
that's how you do that. Now,

441
00:37:48.508 --> 00:37:51.888
Speaker 1: we are going to move on to the last
three concepts here.

442
00:37:54.168 --> 00:37:59.468
Speaker 1: All right. Remember when we talked
about trauma being an opportunity or a tragedy?

443
00:38:00.468 --> 00:38:05.608
Speaker 1: It's a tragedy, and this, this and
another concept comes from, uh, Benjamin Hardy,

444
00:38:06.288 --> 00:38:12.288
Speaker 1: um, and his books Personality Isn't
Permanent and Gap and Gain. So here's

445
00:38:12.308 --> 00:38:14.748
Speaker 1: how it works. He's a psychologist.

446
00:38:17.428 --> 00:38:20.688
Speaker 1: When you... something horrible
happens to you, let's say,

447
00:38:23.348 --> 00:38:23.808
Speaker 1: um,

448
00:38:25.348 --> 00:38:29.448
Speaker 1: here, we'll just say something like
when you were a kid, and let's make it something

449
00:38:29.588 --> 00:38:32.928
Speaker 1: old rather than something new, okay?
Because I think that's a more challenging

450
00:38:32.988 --> 00:38:37.048
Speaker 1: problem. But it'll, it's even easier
for things that are fresh. Let's go with an old

451
00:38:37.128 --> 00:38:42.828
Speaker 1: trauma. When you were a kid, you were
playing with your sister, and you pushed her

452
00:38:42.888 --> 00:38:48.608
Speaker 1: down and, I don't know, she cut her
face, and now she has a scar on her face,

453
00:38:49.368 --> 00:38:54.588
Speaker 1: and that shaped who you were in a
negative way.

454
00:38:55.328 --> 00:39:01.188
Speaker 1: You believe you are now a violent
person. You believe yourself to be essentially

455
00:39:01.288 --> 00:39:05.928
Speaker 1: untrustworthy. You believe that you
are dangerous when you're angry, and now you

456
00:39:05.968 --> 00:39:11.548
Speaker 1: need to be basically afraid to be w-
close to people because you're worried you'll

457
00:39:11.628 --> 00:39:17.288
Speaker 1: hurt them. And every time you see the
scar on your sister's face, you feel

458
00:39:19.248 --> 00:39:22.908
Speaker 1: like a monster. Okay? I'm just
imagining what that scenario would make somebody
feel

459
00:39:22.948 --> 00:39:24.688
Speaker 1: like 20 years later. Okay, you with
me?

460
00:39:26.408 --> 00:39:27.508
Speaker 1: Let's take that as our trauma.

461
00:39:29.348 --> 00:39:34.588
Speaker 1: You've never recovered from it. In
fact, it shaped you in a profoundly negative
way,

462
00:39:35.068 --> 00:39:40.108
Speaker 1: in a way you've never recovered from.
Okay. That's our starting point.

463
00:39:41.128 --> 00:39:47.028
Speaker 1: That is a tragedy. And just like
choosing to get back up, you can fix

464
00:39:47.108 --> 00:39:49.848
Speaker 1: this at any time if you know what to
do.

465
00:39:51.508 --> 00:39:54.308
Speaker 1: All right. Here's the gist of how it
works,

466
00:39:55.868 --> 00:39:59.648
Speaker 1: and we're gonna use a little bit of,
um, neuroscience.

467
00:40:01.188 --> 00:40:06.328
Speaker 1: Consider that your brain is an organ
like any of the others. Liver, stomach, it's

468
00:40:06.368 --> 00:40:10.288
Speaker 1: just living tissue. Mm, okay? It's
not magic. There's nothing special going on

469
00:40:10.328 --> 00:40:16.008
Speaker 1: there. It's just, it's just an organ
with living cells. Every single one of your

470
00:40:16.068 --> 00:40:21.748
Speaker 1: memories and beliefs and ideas,
dreams, and greatest fears and

471
00:40:21.888 --> 00:40:27.428
Speaker 1: worst belie-- you know, worst
self-perceptions are

472
00:40:27.568 --> 00:40:33.368
Speaker 1: stored in living tissue. Okay? That
means the past isn't

473
00:40:34.088 --> 00:40:39.848
Speaker 1: real. It's fictional. It's gone.
There is no past. There is no future. There is

474
00:40:39.908 --> 00:40:44.708
Speaker 1: only r- literally what exists right
now. It's the only thing that's real. Anything

475
00:40:44.748 --> 00:40:50.067
Speaker 1: that has happened in the past is not
real. The only place it exists is

476
00:40:50.127 --> 00:40:54.648
Speaker 1: inside the living cells in the organ
inside of your skull,

477
00:40:56.848 --> 00:40:57.228
Speaker 1: and,

478
00:40:59.108 --> 00:41:04.988
Speaker 1: well, therefore, it can be changed.
Your memories are literally

479
00:41:05.648 --> 00:41:10.888
Speaker 1: just little, tiny physical pieces
inside of an organ inside of your head.

480
00:41:11.728 --> 00:41:16.788
Speaker 1: And if you could go in there with a
microscopic scalpel and edit them, you could

481
00:41:16.828 --> 00:41:20.888
Speaker 1: become a totally different person who
remembers something totally different. Okay?

482
00:41:20.988 --> 00:41:24.288
Speaker 1: You could change anything about the
past. Well, your perception of the past anyway,

483
00:41:25.368 --> 00:41:25.568
Speaker 1: right?

484
00:41:27.488 --> 00:41:32.148
Speaker 1: So first, know that it is possible to
change anything about yourself. Now, that

485
00:41:32.168 --> 00:41:35.448
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you know how. That
doesn't mean that, you know, it's physically

486
00:41:35.508 --> 00:41:40.668
Speaker 1: something you could do. All right?
But just remember that that fundamentally means

487
00:41:40.708 --> 00:41:45.748
Speaker 1: that you can change, you can rewrite
anything about the past and specifically any

488
00:41:45.808 --> 00:41:51.628
Speaker 1: belief or personality trait you have
developed because of the past at

489
00:41:51.688 --> 00:41:56.048
Speaker 1: any time, right? There's no physical
law that prevents this. All right? So you can

490
00:41:56.128 --> 00:41:57.728
Speaker 1: literally get better, all right?

491
00:41:59.628 --> 00:42:05.528
Speaker 1: But the trick is how. Well, dun,
dun-dun-dun, dun, dun. Turns out it's not that

492
00:42:05.548 --> 00:42:11.088
Speaker 1: hard. I don't mean to make you feel
bad or belittle your 20-year-old, uh, trauma

493
00:42:11.528 --> 00:42:15.888
Speaker 1: from injuring your sister and
thinking you're a violent monster. Sorry, I'm
not

494
00:42:15.928 --> 00:42:21.568
Speaker 1: belittling your, your suffering. That
is a tragedy. But I am telling you it can end

495
00:42:22.228 --> 00:42:25.288
Speaker 1: the moment you decide that it's time
for it to end, and it's no longer serving you,

496
00:42:25.648 --> 00:42:29.748
Speaker 1: okay? You would be surprised. There
are people who hold onto their past traumas,

497
00:42:29.828 --> 00:42:35.724
Speaker 1: their tragedies Because it gives them
an excuse to not have to do the work to

498
00:42:35.764 --> 00:42:40.784
Speaker 1: get better, to become a better
person, to admit their faults, to move on,
right?

499
00:42:41.024 --> 00:42:46.444
Speaker 1: It's an alluring thing to hold onto
because they don't want to get better, because

500
00:42:46.504 --> 00:42:50.484
Speaker 1: they don't want to face the
consequences of who they've become.

501
00:42:51.944 --> 00:42:57.084
Speaker 1: But do we make excuses? Do we blame
other people?

502
00:42:58.304 --> 00:43:03.444
Speaker 1: Do we deflect from uncomfortable
truths? Do we have a growth mindset that says we

503
00:43:03.484 --> 00:43:09.124
Speaker 1: believe we can change? Now you see
why these things stack and why it's

504
00:43:09.164 --> 00:43:14.344
Speaker 1: important to work on all of them and
why I started where I started. Those things are

505
00:43:14.404 --> 00:43:20.104
Speaker 1: fundamental, okay? We're gonna
revisit that trauma, and if you have like

506
00:43:20.164 --> 00:43:25.244
Speaker 1: PTSD or something that like
revisiting traumas is not like a safe thing for
you to

507
00:43:25.304 --> 00:43:29.744
Speaker 1: do alone, like by all means, like
trust yourself, right? This is, again, this is
not

508
00:43:30.284 --> 00:43:35.304
Speaker 1: any kind of medical or, you know,
legal a- financial advice. Like, I'm not giving

509
00:43:35.343 --> 00:43:38.764
Speaker 1: that kind of advice. I'm talking to
my past self, okay?

510
00:43:40.324 --> 00:43:43.724
Speaker 1: Go get real help, all right? And
certainly don't blame me for anything. Like,
this

511
00:43:43.784 --> 00:43:46.844
Speaker 1: is not advice for you, listener. This
is advice for past Steven.

512
00:43:48.844 --> 00:43:49.004
Speaker 1: Okay.

513
00:43:50.744 --> 00:43:56.504
Speaker 1: You need to reframe it, okay? This is
a lot like the

514
00:43:56.584 --> 00:44:02.304
Speaker 1: interrupting negative thought spirals
and thinking the positive inverse. You need to

515
00:44:02.384 --> 00:44:08.184
Speaker 1: rewrite the story. Every time
something traumatic

516
00:44:08.264 --> 00:44:13.984
Speaker 1: happens, we have the opportunity to
write the story. Sadly,

517
00:44:14.484 --> 00:44:16.284
Speaker 1: most of us write the story

518
00:44:17.824 --> 00:44:22.824
Speaker 1: subconsciously. We just, however it
plays out is how it plays out. And often,

519
00:44:22.944 --> 00:44:28.884
Speaker 1: because we feel bad, we write a very
negative story. You pushed your sister down 20

520
00:44:28.924 --> 00:44:31.564
Speaker 1: years ago when you were playing. You
were angry.

521
00:44:33.124 --> 00:44:38.644
Speaker 1: She fell and cut her face, and she
has a scar now, okay? That is what actually

522
00:44:38.684 --> 00:44:43.264
Speaker 1: happened. All of those things are
true. Every single one of those things actually

523
00:44:43.324 --> 00:44:48.904
Speaker 1: happened. Remove all of the fiction,
all of your beliefs about what happened, all of

524
00:44:48.944 --> 00:44:53.744
Speaker 1: your ideas, all of the personality
changes that's happened since then. All of those

525
00:44:53.804 --> 00:44:58.584
Speaker 1: things are a fabrication. The only
thing that actually happened is you pushed her

526
00:44:58.624 --> 00:45:04.364
Speaker 1: down, you were angry, she cut her
face. That is the truth. Everything else is a

527
00:45:04.544 --> 00:45:08.004
Speaker 1: story that you wrote about those
events.

528
00:45:09.804 --> 00:45:15.084
Speaker 1: Now, the beautiful part about the
human brain is that we can rewrite these
stories.

529
00:45:15.624 --> 00:45:21.244
Speaker 1: That story is stored in your head, in
the little cells inside of your brain. Because

530
00:45:21.304 --> 00:45:26.324
Speaker 1: of the way memories work, every time
you access them,

531
00:45:27.644 --> 00:45:32.664
Speaker 1: think of them like putting them off a
shelf, taking them off a shelf. You rewrite

532
00:45:32.744 --> 00:45:37.244
Speaker 1: them when you put them back,
essentially. You know, neuroscientists forgive
me, the

533
00:45:37.304 --> 00:45:41.084
Speaker 1: inaccuracies, but this is a useful
metaphor, and it amounts to the same outcome.

534
00:45:42.924 --> 00:45:47.224
Speaker 1: Every time you take it off the shelf
to recall what happened, you put it back a

535
00:45:47.304 --> 00:45:52.644
Speaker 1: little bit different. The way you
feel when you access these

536
00:45:52.744 --> 00:45:58.524
Speaker 1: memories and the story you write
about these memories when you are reliving them

537
00:45:59.344 --> 00:46:05.244
Speaker 1: becomes baked into the long-term
memory itself. Think about that.

538
00:46:06.064 --> 00:46:11.544
Speaker 1: It's like a word processor, not
written in stone. You are opening an old Word

539
00:46:11.604 --> 00:46:15.924
Speaker 1: document, and you have the ability to
go in and make some edits, and when you save

540
00:46:16.004 --> 00:46:17.224
Speaker 1: it, it goes back

541
00:46:19.124 --> 00:46:23.624
Speaker 1: different than it way, was before,
okay? That means you can deliberately,

542
00:46:23.884 --> 00:46:29.884
Speaker 1: selectively edit your memories to
tell a new story. Okay, now this is the hard

543
00:46:29.944 --> 00:46:34.244
Speaker 1: part. All of this is painful, by the
way, especially it was doing with an old one.

544
00:46:34.784 --> 00:46:39.384
Speaker 1: Um, but the next time you experience
a fresh trauma, remember, the most important

545
00:46:39.424 --> 00:46:44.364
Speaker 1: thing you can do when something
traumatic happens to you is cho- choose what it

546
00:46:44.544 --> 00:46:50.164
Speaker 1: means. And please write a positive
story because if you write a positive,
empowering

547
00:46:50.244 --> 00:46:56.144
Speaker 1: story, this w- terrible thing becomes
a wonderful thing in time. Now,

548
00:46:56.344 --> 00:47:01.644
Speaker 1: the event itself was terrible. At no
point in time am I saying that getting angry

549
00:47:02.144 --> 00:47:07.984
Speaker 1: and pushing somebody and having them
become injured and physically scarred is a good

550
00:47:08.044 --> 00:47:12.624
Speaker 1: thing. It's not a good thing. Of
course it's not. I'm not trying to make you
delude

551
00:47:12.644 --> 00:47:17.424
Speaker 1: yourself into thinking it's not a big
deal or write it off. But what I am saying is

552
00:47:17.484 --> 00:47:23.144
Speaker 1: that write a story that empowers you.
Here's a couple ways that I have done this,

553
00:47:23.584 --> 00:47:27.464
Speaker 1: okay? But let's continue with this
example. Here are some things you might say,

554
00:47:28.564 --> 00:47:34.384
Speaker 1: okay? And these stories are also
true. So this is the trick. You're going to
recall

555
00:47:34.424 --> 00:47:37.804
Speaker 1: the memory, you're going to live
through it again,

556
00:47:39.584 --> 00:47:45.184
Speaker 1: but this time when you put it back,
you are going to write it with a new story.

557
00:47:45.584 --> 00:47:51.564
Speaker 1: Before, the story was, "When I am
violent, I'm angry. I

558
00:47:51.644 --> 00:47:56.564
Speaker 1: am a monster. I can't be close to
people because I can't be trusted. I'm a
terrible

559
00:47:56.624 --> 00:48:02.624
Speaker 1: person." Okay? That was the story you
wrote. Not a good one. [chuckles]

560
00:48:02.664 --> 00:48:07.264
Speaker 1: Let's write a different one, okay?
Now, it's important that this story feels true

561
00:48:07.904 --> 00:48:12.604
Speaker 1: because if it feels fake, it's going
to be less effective. If you can't find a true

562
00:48:12.664 --> 00:48:17.524
Speaker 1: story, just like if you couldn't find
a positive inverse for a thought, make it up.

563
00:48:18.704 --> 00:48:23.284
Speaker 1: It's better than your current one,
okay? Even if it feels fake, just keep making it

564
00:48:23.344 --> 00:48:27.204
Speaker 1: up until it starts to feel true. I'm
not gonna get into the process, but basically

565
00:48:27.244 --> 00:48:30.884
Speaker 1: the human brain repeat, believes
absolutely anything it repeats to itself over
and

566
00:48:30.944 --> 00:48:34.644
Speaker 1: over again, or that you hear over and
over again. It's quite the phenomenon. It's

567
00:48:34.684 --> 00:48:38.064
Speaker 1: kind of how propaganda works. Uh, you
can't stop it. The more and more you hear

568
00:48:38.104 --> 00:48:41.804
Speaker 1: something, the more true it feels.
Uh, and that works inside your own head too. So

569
00:48:41.844 --> 00:48:44.644
Speaker 1: make it up if you can't find a good
one. So here are some stories you might choose

570
00:48:44.684 --> 00:48:47.724
Speaker 1: to tell yourself instead when you put
this memory back after reliving it.

571
00:48:50.772 --> 00:48:55.712
Speaker 1: The fact that I am afraid of hurting
people when I get angry

572
00:48:56.812 --> 00:49:02.272
Speaker 1: means that I genuinely love people,
and I fear for them,

573
00:49:02.812 --> 00:49:08.492
Speaker 1: and that I know that when I'm angry,
I can hurt them. This is what

574
00:49:08.592 --> 00:49:14.332
Speaker 1: taught me that controlling my anger
is important, and it allowed

575
00:49:14.432 --> 00:49:16.372
Speaker 1: me to see

576
00:49:18.052 --> 00:49:23.752
Speaker 1: that the consequences of my actions
can have permanent long-term results. It... This

577
00:49:23.792 --> 00:49:26.452
Speaker 1: is the moment in my life when I
learned

578
00:49:28.392 --> 00:49:34.332
Speaker 1: that if I'm not careful, I could
cause real harm to others, and that what seems

579
00:49:34.352 --> 00:49:39.732
Speaker 1: like a small thing in the moment
could be a life-changing event. And this is when
I

580
00:49:39.872 --> 00:49:45.552
Speaker 1: learned to be careful about what I
do. This is when I learned that my

581
00:49:45.672 --> 00:49:50.912
Speaker 1: actions have serious consequences,
uh, in the world and on the people I love, and

582
00:49:50.992 --> 00:49:53.852
Speaker 1: that if I am lackadaisical

583
00:49:55.492 --> 00:50:01.232
Speaker 1: about the weight of what I do, I
could make a terrible choice and harm

584
00:50:01.292 --> 00:50:07.232
Speaker 1: somebody in a very serious way. This
is when I learned to be a

585
00:50:07.292 --> 00:50:13.012
Speaker 1: considerate person. It was a horrible
thing that happened, but every time I see the

586
00:50:13.092 --> 00:50:18.492
Speaker 1: scar on my sister's face, I am
reminded that that is the last scar I'll ever
put on

587
00:50:18.552 --> 00:50:22.072
Speaker 1: another person because I finally
learned the lesson

588
00:50:24.992 --> 00:50:29.792
Speaker 1: that my actions can harm others, and
I must be careful

589
00:50:31.212 --> 00:50:36.312
Speaker 1: and considerate so that it doesn't
happen anymore. That's a great thought. It's a

590
00:50:36.352 --> 00:50:39.912
Speaker 1: great story. Super empowering. Now,
when you think back on this moment, you're

591
00:50:39.952 --> 00:50:45.372
Speaker 1: thinking, "I grew from this." And I
think that's usually the easiest way to reframe,

592
00:50:45.752 --> 00:50:51.332
Speaker 1: reframe your trauma. Instead of being
a tragedy, it became the thing that made you

593
00:50:51.472 --> 00:50:57.452
Speaker 1: strong, okay? I like that framing the
best because it gives you some very

594
00:50:57.572 --> 00:51:02.932
Speaker 1: serious inner strength. But find
whatever feels right to you, okay? Tell whatever

595
00:51:02.992 --> 00:51:06.392
Speaker 1: story it is you can that's positive,
and do it over and over and over again. It's

596
00:51:06.412 --> 00:51:10.352
Speaker 1: gonna take a lot of repetition, and
it's quite painful, so make sure you're in a

597
00:51:10.392 --> 00:51:16.292
Speaker 1: good place, like you're safe and
healthy, and you feel like, "Let's do this."
This

598
00:51:16.352 --> 00:51:19.112
Speaker 1: was the point of trying to get you to
feel a little bit better with the other two

599
00:51:19.152 --> 00:51:23.952
Speaker 1: strategies, uh, opening up to another
person about your, you know, fears and

600
00:51:23.992 --> 00:51:27.852
Speaker 1: anxieties and all that, and all your
problems. And the first one, the pattern

601
00:51:27.892 --> 00:51:31.272
Speaker 1: interrupt. That will start to get you
feeling a little better, but they're not

602
00:51:31.352 --> 00:51:37.172
Speaker 1: permanent fixes. They're temporary
fixes that get you back on your feet. But the
way

603
00:51:37.312 --> 00:51:39.312
Speaker 1: you get stronger,

604
00:51:40.892 --> 00:51:46.872
Speaker 1: permanently stronger, is by
revisiting these traumas and telling a

605
00:51:46.932 --> 00:51:51.252
Speaker 1: better story over and over and over
again. Okay?

606
00:51:52.832 --> 00:51:55.732
Speaker 1: Now, for fresh traumas, this is a lot
easier. So the next time something terrible

607
00:51:55.792 --> 00:51:56.472
Speaker 1: happens to you,

608
00:51:58.052 --> 00:52:02.392
Speaker 1: remind yourself, maybe write this one
in your morn- little morning routine if it's a

609
00:52:02.432 --> 00:52:08.232
Speaker 1: useful reminder, "This is my
opportunity. If I write a bad

610
00:52:08.312 --> 00:52:14.212
Speaker 1: story here, if I write a
disempowering, terrifying story, I will believe
it, and it

611
00:52:14.232 --> 00:52:20.212
Speaker 1: will shape who I am in a very
negative, toxic way." Okay? Trauma

612
00:52:20.252 --> 00:52:25.672
Speaker 1: can either make you weaker
permanently or stronger permanently. All right?

613
00:52:26.312 --> 00:52:30.312
Speaker 1: And the nice part is you can always
go back and rewrite the story. Now, it's harder

614
00:52:30.412 --> 00:52:34.392
Speaker 1: the older it is 'cause it gets really
baked into everything about you, but it can be

615
00:52:34.432 --> 00:52:39.592
Speaker 1: rewritten. It's a simple process.
Relive, tell a new story,

616
00:52:40.172 --> 00:52:45.892
Speaker 1: ideally it feels as true as possible,
and keep doing that over and over again. And

617
00:52:45.932 --> 00:52:51.432
Speaker 1: eventually, it will be the worst
thing that ever happened to you and the best
thing

618
00:52:51.472 --> 00:52:56.632
Speaker 1: that ever happened to you. You will
know that you are recovered

619
00:52:58.072 --> 00:53:03.952
Speaker 1: when you are grateful for this
trauma, when you would not

620
00:53:04.052 --> 00:53:04.672
Speaker 1: undo it,

621
00:53:06.472 --> 00:53:12.151
Speaker 1: because to undo it would be to make
you a weaker, less capable, less resilient

622
00:53:12.212 --> 00:53:17.312
Speaker 1: person. Why would you undo that?
Sure, you might undo some of the damage if you

623
00:53:17.372 --> 00:53:21.412
Speaker 1: could. You would love to take the
scar off your sister's face. You wish you hadn't

624
00:53:21.452 --> 00:53:27.012
Speaker 1: hurt her. Of course, that's normal.
But you wouldn't change the consequences of that

625
00:53:27.072 --> 00:53:32.812
Speaker 1: event because it made you better, and
you're grateful for it. Truly

626
00:53:32.852 --> 00:53:37.692
Speaker 1: grateful. It's not forced. You really
mean it when you say you're grateful. That's

627
00:53:37.732 --> 00:53:42.392
Speaker 1: when you know you finally made it,
and it has finally become an opportunity, and
you

628
00:53:42.412 --> 00:53:44.212
Speaker 1: are stronger. All right, let's move
on.

629
00:53:46.052 --> 00:53:51.952
Speaker 1: Here's another tool that will help
you if you're struggling with the will to face

630
00:53:51.992 --> 00:53:57.432
Speaker 1: these problems, maybe to relive your
memories, to do anything. Here's a trick I like

631
00:53:57.492 --> 00:54:01.372
Speaker 1: to use. Well, technically, I have
three more tricks. I can't believe how long this

632
00:54:01.452 --> 00:54:02.252
Speaker 1: episode is, man.

633
00:54:04.172 --> 00:54:08.492
Speaker 1: Are we pushing an hour? I don't care.
I'm gonna do it. We're gonna power through. I,

634
00:54:08.532 --> 00:54:13.312
Speaker 1: l- I am excited to power through.
Bring it on. Because the next topic

635
00:54:13.452 --> 00:54:19.232
Speaker 1: [chuckles] is challenge versus threat
framing. If

636
00:54:19.412 --> 00:54:20.292
Speaker 1: you feel

637
00:54:22.412 --> 00:54:25.792
Speaker 1: like you can't handle this, like you
can't take another hit, you have to run away

638
00:54:25.832 --> 00:54:31.552
Speaker 1: and hide somewhere, that's because
you're using threat framing. The problems that

639
00:54:31.572 --> 00:54:37.292
Speaker 1: are being afflict- inflicted upon you
are terrifying. They're a huge

640
00:54:37.372 --> 00:54:40.072
Speaker 1: burden. They're inescapable.

641
00:54:41.912 --> 00:54:45.192
Speaker 1: And this is because of the part of
the brain that you're using. You're in fight or

642
00:54:45.252 --> 00:54:50.612
Speaker 1: flight mode, okay? Well, you're
mostly in flight mode. [chuckles] But yeah. Or

643
00:54:50.672 --> 00:54:54.232
Speaker 1: freeze, I guess is technically the
other one. But basically, I think that your

644
00:54:54.272 --> 00:55:00.172
Speaker 1: amygdala is receiving more blood flow
and the pre or, yeah, prefrontal cortex,

645
00:55:00.792 --> 00:55:05.492
Speaker 1: I don't know, the, the smart higher
mind, the long-term decision maker, the rational

646
00:55:05.512 --> 00:55:08.812
Speaker 1: thought part of your brain is
literally having blood drained out of it. Like,
it's

647
00:55:08.912 --> 00:55:09.332
Speaker 1: literally

648
00:55:10.902 --> 00:55:15.862
Speaker 1: You know, it's like operating at
lower RPMs. Like, it's not working very much,
and

649
00:55:15.942 --> 00:55:21.862
Speaker 1: the lizard brain, the sort of scared,
terrified, uh, here and

650
00:55:21.922 --> 00:55:27.902
Speaker 1: now fight or flight mode part of your
brain, which is very short-sighted, um, is,

651
00:55:28.042 --> 00:55:33.302
Speaker 1: has most of the power, okay? Threat
framing makes you weaker. Now, it's very useful.

652
00:55:33.742 --> 00:55:37.982
Speaker 1: Remember, our brains are sort of set
up for, like, immediate physical threats

653
00:55:38.022 --> 00:55:41.482
Speaker 1: because those are the... Or immediate
social threats, 'cause those are the only

654
00:55:41.522 --> 00:55:46.662
Speaker 1: kinds of threats that we, you know,
evolved to deal with. We n- never really evolved

655
00:55:46.722 --> 00:55:52.662
Speaker 1: to deal with being able to hear about
mass shootings on a global scale on a daily

656
00:55:52.722 --> 00:55:58.682
Speaker 1: basis. We never, we weren't evolved
to hear about problems 2,000 miles

657
00:55:58.742 --> 00:56:03.742
Speaker 1: away, most of which don't affect us,
and our brain treats all of those problems as

658
00:56:03.802 --> 00:56:08.502
Speaker 1: if they were right in front of us,
okay? So we're in threat frame mode a lot.

659
00:56:09.722 --> 00:56:15.202
Speaker 1: But here is the one cool trick you
can do to immediately feel

660
00:56:15.801 --> 00:56:20.962
Speaker 1: powerful, okay? If you are leaning
away from pain, here's the paradox.

661
00:56:22.202 --> 00:56:27.642
Speaker 1: Lean in instead. "Oh, crap, I have to
work overtime tonight 'cause I, there's

662
00:56:28.182 --> 00:56:32.282
Speaker 1: $40,000 worth of consumer debt to pay
off or my girlfriend will leave me. I don't

663
00:56:32.302 --> 00:56:36.382
Speaker 1: know, whatever, right? I can't take
it. Uh, I don't wanna go. I should call out."

664
00:56:37.782 --> 00:56:43.642
Speaker 1: No. That's threat framing. Reframe as
challenge framing.

665
00:56:44.582 --> 00:56:50.502
Speaker 1: It is, in the words of Tom Bilyeu,
"Stop thinking in terms of how little can

666
00:56:50.622 --> 00:56:56.102
Speaker 1: I do and start thinking in terms in,
of how much can I

667
00:56:56.182 --> 00:57:01.822
Speaker 1: take?" Okay? This will immediately
change which parts of your brain you're using

668
00:57:02.302 --> 00:57:07.742
Speaker 1: because instead of pain avoidance,
you are now in sort of problem resolution, like

669
00:57:07.862 --> 00:57:13.582
Speaker 1: ambition, long-term planning mode.
And most importantly, it makes

670
00:57:13.642 --> 00:57:19.061
Speaker 1: you... It gives you energy. It gives
you the will to tackle a problem. You're not

671
00:57:19.121 --> 00:57:24.662
Speaker 1: just trying to survive and hide. You
are trying to conquer and control. All right?

672
00:57:25.762 --> 00:57:31.302
Speaker 1: A lot of this is just about telling
better stories. That's it. You're not broken.

673
00:57:31.342 --> 00:57:36.922
Speaker 1: You're just telling yourselves very
unhelpful thories, stories yourself, very

674
00:57:36.962 --> 00:57:42.802
Speaker 1: unhelpful stories, very unhelpful
thoughts. And when you begin to rewrite them,

675
00:57:43.342 --> 00:57:47.742
Speaker 1: they become habitually positive,
habitually empowering, and you are a strong
person

676
00:57:47.802 --> 00:57:52.242
Speaker 1: now who can recover from anything and
can take of a heck of a lot of hits too before

677
00:57:52.302 --> 00:57:56.602
Speaker 1: you go down. But when you do
inevitably go down, you have the ability to get
back up

678
00:57:56.662 --> 00:58:02.602
Speaker 1: again really quickly. So you become a
very reliable, powerful person. Just use ch-

679
00:58:02.862 --> 00:58:06.602
Speaker 1: challenge framing. So challenge
framing of the same thing is, "No,

680
00:58:08.502 --> 00:58:14.382
Speaker 1: I can do overtime. I can do more than
overtime," okay? Bring it on.

681
00:58:14.922 --> 00:58:19.362
Speaker 1: I am not only, not only gonna pay
this debt off in a year and a half, I'm gonna
pay

682
00:58:19.422 --> 00:58:24.222
Speaker 1: this debt off in a year. I'm gonna
call my boss and I'm gonna say, "Can I have

683
00:58:24.322 --> 00:58:30.322
Speaker 1: overtime tomorrow too?" Bring it on.
I can take it. I can take

684
00:58:30.462 --> 00:58:36.322
Speaker 1: this and more. Same set of
circumstances, different perspective.

685
00:58:36.762 --> 00:58:42.242
Speaker 1: One is, "Oh, please don't hurt me
anymore. I can't take it." The other is, "I can

686
00:58:42.302 --> 00:58:43.062
Speaker 1: take anything.

687
00:58:44.582 --> 00:58:50.142
Speaker 1: Bring it on." When you think of your
problems as not something to be

688
00:58:50.262 --> 00:58:55.882
Speaker 1: avoided and run from and merely
tolerated to the extent that you have to

689
00:58:55.942 --> 00:59:01.862
Speaker 1: tolerate them, but think about, "How
can I absolutely destroy this? How can I go on

690
00:59:01.902 --> 00:59:07.542
Speaker 1: the offense instead of the defense?"
And because one gives you a sense of control

691
00:59:07.602 --> 00:59:13.542
Speaker 1: and power, and it literally allows
you to endure more pain. When you lean into

692
00:59:13.582 --> 00:59:19.562
Speaker 1: the pain, um, you actually feel less
pain. It's a paradox. I think there is a study

693
00:59:19.602 --> 00:59:24.642
Speaker 1: that showed when people are put in an
ice bath, which as you can probably imagine,

694
00:59:24.682 --> 00:59:29.261
Speaker 1: it's just, um, water with a bunch of
ice cubes in it. It's quite painful. Uh, the

695
00:59:29.321 --> 00:59:34.142
Speaker 1: people who are allowed to scream and
basically act aggressively, hit their chest,

696
00:59:34.222 --> 00:59:39.902
Speaker 1: like, uh, grit their teeth and like
sort of, you know, do m- they are

697
00:59:40.002 --> 00:59:45.302
Speaker 1: actually able to withstand more pain,
significantly more pain than the people who

698
00:59:45.702 --> 00:59:49.722
Speaker 1: were not allowed to do any of that,
who basically had to sit there and take it. So

699
00:59:49.782 --> 00:59:53.702
Speaker 1: you literally will feel less pain and
have more control when you reframe your

700
00:59:53.742 --> 00:59:59.702
Speaker 1: problems as challenges, something
that you are eager to bear,

701
01:00:00.062 --> 01:00:04.542
Speaker 1: something you are going to conquer,
something that is not going to come anywhere

702
01:00:04.602 --> 01:00:08.282
Speaker 1: close to beating you. In fact, you're
thinking about piling on more.

703
01:00:10.582 --> 01:00:14.842
Speaker 1: Then you can handle anything. It's
the same problem. If you're going to have to

704
01:00:14.882 --> 01:00:18.982
Speaker 1: solve it either way, you may as well
use challenge framing because that one makes

705
01:00:19.022 --> 01:00:23.282
Speaker 1: you feel strong. And threat framing,
leaning away from the pain, will actually

706
01:00:23.382 --> 01:00:28.362
Speaker 1: increase the pain. It actually makes
it hurt more. Um, this is, you know, if you...

707
01:00:29.202 --> 01:00:33.962
Speaker 1: Just in a microcosm, when you rip a
Band-Aid off, if you give somebody, you tell

708
01:00:33.982 --> 01:00:39.602
Speaker 1: them, "Hey, this is gonna hurt. You
ready?" And you have a moment to brace, it

709
01:00:39.702 --> 01:00:45.042
Speaker 1: actually hurts less. If it is just
ripped off of you, the pain is worse

710
01:00:46.182 --> 01:00:51.982
Speaker 1: and it feels worse. This is exactly
the same concept, okay? So lean

711
01:00:52.122 --> 01:00:57.882
Speaker 1: in. Use challenge framing, not threat
framing. All right, two more concepts. This

712
01:00:57.902 --> 01:01:01.002
Speaker 1: one's also from Benjamin Hardy. It's
called The Gap and The Gain. You got a lot to

713
01:01:01.022 --> 01:01:05.302
Speaker 1: write down. Whatever. [chuckles]
You're gonna feel better by the end of this

714
01:01:05.362 --> 01:01:09.522
Speaker 1: episode. You got all my tools. This
is everything I've learned, um, that you haven't

715
01:01:09.562 --> 01:01:14.398
Speaker 1: learned yet, uh, past Steven. All
right, next is the gap in the game.

716
01:01:15.378 --> 01:01:20.638
Speaker 1: Okay, if you find yourself feeling
bad, chances are, or you start feeling

717
01:01:23.958 --> 01:01:24.898
Speaker 1: incapable and weak,

718
01:01:26.958 --> 01:01:32.298
Speaker 1: depressed, basically everything
negative and hopeless and helpless,

719
01:01:33.538 --> 01:01:39.238
Speaker 1: chances are you are in gap thinking,
okay, rather than gain thinking. And this is a

720
01:01:39.298 --> 01:01:45.178
Speaker 1: very simple concept. The concept is
you feel bad when you are

721
01:01:45.258 --> 01:01:50.558
Speaker 1: focused on things you can't have,
don't have, will never have, are in the distant

722
01:01:50.618 --> 01:01:55.718
Speaker 1: future or feel unattainable or in the
distant past that you can't fix. Basically, if

723
01:01:55.758 --> 01:02:01.338
Speaker 1: something is out of reach and you are
focused on the fact that it is out of reach,

724
01:02:02.098 --> 01:02:07.298
Speaker 1: you are disempowered, meaning you
feel helpless, and you will feel

725
01:02:07.858 --> 01:02:13.658
Speaker 1: depressed, anxious, sad, every
negative emotion, right? Spiteful, whatever it
is,

726
01:02:13.738 --> 01:02:18.718
Speaker 1: right? If you focus on the things you
can't have, don't have, are in the far future,

727
01:02:19.178 --> 01:02:23.358
Speaker 1: distant past, if it feels
unattainable and that's what you're staring at,
you know,

728
01:02:23.438 --> 01:02:29.218
Speaker 1: mentally speaking, you're gonna feel
bad every single time. This is how

729
01:02:29.278 --> 01:02:35.158
Speaker 1: billionaires are able to be upset.
You know, like this is how they're able to

730
01:02:35.198 --> 01:02:40.338
Speaker 1: feel like they don't have enough.
Even though logically they know they do, this is

731
01:02:40.398 --> 01:02:44.278
Speaker 1: how they, rich people or people who
have it all or people who have succeeded in

732
01:02:44.338 --> 01:02:49.318
Speaker 1: anything or you have succeeded in
anything you've succeeded, this is how you
devalue

733
01:02:50.078 --> 01:02:55.298
Speaker 1: everything good you've ever done and
it can still feel like trash compared to what

734
01:02:55.358 --> 01:03:00.858
Speaker 1: you actually want now, okay? This is
where this phenomenon comes from. This is being

735
01:03:00.918 --> 01:03:06.818
Speaker 1: in the gap, so, uh, Dr. Benjamin
Hardy says. But gain thinking is the opposite.

736
01:03:07.798 --> 01:03:13.558
Speaker 1: Gain thinking is choosing to focus on
what you do have. This is why gratitude works,

737
01:03:13.638 --> 01:03:16.698
Speaker 1: by the way. Everyone always says
like, "Be grateful. Do a gratitude journal." Not

738
01:03:16.738 --> 01:03:20.458
Speaker 1: that those are bad practices. That's
a good idea. But gratitude is actually just a

739
01:03:20.518 --> 01:03:26.398
Speaker 1: narrow... It's a single tool in this
broader tool set, which is gain thinking. Be

740
01:03:26.458 --> 01:03:29.918
Speaker 1: appreciative of what you do have, but
don't just be appreciative. That's like

741
01:03:29.978 --> 01:03:34.038
Speaker 1: saying, "Feel happy. Why don't, just
feel happy. Why are you feeling sad? You should

742
01:03:34.098 --> 01:03:38.518
Speaker 1: feel happy." You can't, you can't
start at the outcome. We talked about this last

743
01:03:38.558 --> 01:03:42.478
Speaker 1: time. You have to do the things that
get you the outcome. I'm going to tell you what

744
01:03:42.538 --> 01:03:47.138
Speaker 1: to do to get the outcome that makes
you feel happy and gra- g- you know, have

745
01:03:47.178 --> 01:03:51.858
Speaker 1: gratitude. Yes, you have to go find
things you're grateful for, but here's how you

746
01:03:51.918 --> 01:03:53.838
Speaker 1: feel grateful. Here's how you feel
good.

747
01:03:55.858 --> 01:03:59.578
Speaker 1: Stop focusing on the things you don't
have, can't have, that feel unattainable or in

748
01:03:59.618 --> 01:04:04.198
Speaker 1: the distant future. Stop focusing on
the gap between, this is where the word comes,

749
01:04:04.398 --> 01:04:08.478
Speaker 1: the term comes from. Stop focusing on
the gap between where you are and where you

750
01:04:08.538 --> 01:04:14.538
Speaker 1: want to be, okay? That makes you feel
like trash every single time. If you feel

751
01:04:14.578 --> 01:04:18.498
Speaker 1: like trash, that's almost certainly
why, right? It is a kind of negative thinking,

752
01:04:18.578 --> 01:04:21.898
Speaker 1: I'm sure. It makes you feel bad. It
makes you feel

753
01:04:23.658 --> 01:04:27.778
Speaker 1: like, get, puts you in a scarcity
mindset. It makes you feel like you don't have

754
01:04:27.818 --> 01:04:33.618
Speaker 1: enough, will never have enough, are
not enough. Instead, focus on the gain. All

755
01:04:33.638 --> 01:04:37.658
Speaker 1: right, so he has a concept called
always measure backwards, meaning stop measuring

756
01:04:37.738 --> 01:04:41.958
Speaker 1: success, yes, by looking at other
people, which by the way is a kind of gap

757
01:04:41.998 --> 01:04:45.658
Speaker 1: thinking. "Oh, these people have what
I want." Gap thinking. You're looking at the

758
01:04:45.718 --> 01:04:49.438
Speaker 1: difference between you and them.
You're looking at the gap between you and them.

759
01:04:50.178 --> 01:04:53.358
Speaker 1: You're gonna feel like trash every
single time. It's a very simple equation. Gap

760
01:04:53.418 --> 01:04:57.758
Speaker 1: thinking equals feeling like trash,
okay? Gain thinking equals feeling great,

761
01:04:58.178 --> 01:05:04.138
Speaker 1: feeling whole, feeling happy, feeling
satisfied, feeling great, uh, grateful, you

762
01:05:04.178 --> 01:05:08.538
Speaker 1: know? Feeling like you're enough. Do
you wanna feel like that again? All you have to

763
01:05:08.578 --> 01:05:12.898
Speaker 1: do is think about the things you do
have. Think about the things you have

764
01:05:12.958 --> 01:05:18.218
Speaker 1: accomplished. Think about the thi-
the problems that you used to have that you

765
01:05:18.278 --> 01:05:23.898
Speaker 1: wished you had solved and wanted so
badly to solve, and now they are solved, and you

766
01:05:23.958 --> 01:05:27.738
Speaker 1: have those things. Think about the
traumas you have recovered from and now are

767
01:05:27.818 --> 01:05:33.758
Speaker 1: stronger. That's a kind of gain
thinking. You're focused most of the time on

768
01:05:33.818 --> 01:05:39.038
Speaker 1: the things that have gone right, the
things that you do have, the things you are

769
01:05:39.118 --> 01:05:44.698
Speaker 1: proud of, okay? The things that are
beautiful about you and your life.

770
01:05:45.438 --> 01:05:49.078
Speaker 1: You can do this at any time. You can
do this and if you're in the middle of a

771
01:05:49.118 --> 01:05:54.438
Speaker 1: war-torn country, okay? If you want
to feel good, do

772
01:05:54.518 --> 01:05:59.598
Speaker 1: mostly gain thinking. Fi- When people
say, "Find the silver lining," a lot of people

773
01:05:59.638 --> 01:06:03.318
Speaker 1: roll their eyes like, "Yeah, yeah,
this is like toxic positivity," like blah, blah,

774
01:06:03.358 --> 01:06:09.198
Speaker 1: blah. This is why it works, okay? If
you find something true to be

775
01:06:09.258 --> 01:06:13.678
Speaker 1: grateful for, to be appreciative, to
be proud of, you're gonna always find

776
01:06:13.718 --> 01:06:14.058
Speaker 1: something.

777
01:06:15.758 --> 01:06:19.018
Speaker 1: You'll feel good again. It's like
flipping a switch. It's the craziest thing in
the

778
01:06:19.058 --> 01:06:22.658
Speaker 1: world. Go practice it right now.
Well, I guess after this last concept, go
practice

779
01:06:22.718 --> 01:06:22.858
Speaker 1: it.

780
01:06:24.518 --> 01:06:30.098
Speaker 1: So if you find yourself in the gap
foc- focusing on the difference between you and

781
01:06:30.178 --> 01:06:36.118
Speaker 1: where you want to be, between you and
another person, that's, you're in the gap, and

782
01:06:36.198 --> 01:06:40.218
Speaker 1: it will make you feel bad. I mean,
it's that simple. You need to think to yourself,

783
01:06:40.458 --> 01:06:46.378
Speaker 1: "Ah, I'm in the gap. If I keep
thinking like this, I'm gonna feel bad. Do I
want to

784
01:06:46.418 --> 01:06:51.178
Speaker 1: feel bad?" I literally talk to my
kids about this. "Hey, man, seems like you're in

785
01:06:51.198 --> 01:06:54.658
Speaker 1: the gap. Like, you're thinking about
things you can't have or that aren't going

786
01:06:54.698 --> 01:07:00.518
Speaker 1: right. And I'm not going to tell you
to stop. You can do that if you want to. But

787
01:07:01.098 --> 01:07:06.898
Speaker 1: remember, it makes you feel bad, like
really bad. Do you wanna feel bad today? Is

788
01:07:06.918 --> 01:07:10.498
Speaker 1: that what you want? Do you wanna feel
bad right now? If you want to feel bad right

789
01:07:10.558 --> 01:07:15.818
Speaker 1: now, like go, go ahead. By all means,
you can keep measuring yourself against this

790
01:07:15.898 --> 01:07:20.126
Speaker 1: ideal. Keep measuring yourself
against that other person." Go ahead if you want
to

791
01:07:20.166 --> 01:07:25.166
Speaker 1: feel bad, but just checking, do you
want to feel bad right now? The answer is almost

792
01:07:25.266 --> 01:07:31.046
Speaker 1: always, "No, I don't want to feel
bad." But what about, "Hey, no

793
01:07:31.086 --> 01:07:36.986
Speaker 1: excuses, no blame, no deflection."
Simple question: Do you want to

794
01:07:37.046 --> 01:07:42.246
Speaker 1: feel bad? Do you want to feel good?
"I wanna feel good." Okay.

795
01:07:43.046 --> 01:07:48.986
Speaker 1: In that case, start thinking about
when you were bad at this, but now you're much

796
01:07:49.026 --> 01:07:54.226
Speaker 1: better, okay? Stop thinking about you
wish you could be world-class. Well, that's

797
01:07:54.266 --> 01:08:00.226
Speaker 1: great. Think about how you're
actually quite good compared to everybody else.
That's

798
01:08:00.306 --> 01:08:06.106
Speaker 1: still gain thinking, okay? Think
about anything that makes

799
01:08:06.286 --> 01:08:10.246
Speaker 1: you feel like what you've already
accomplished, what you have already attained,
what

800
01:08:10.306 --> 01:08:11.886
Speaker 1: is close, okay?

801
01:08:14.226 --> 01:08:17.866
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that in a
goal-setting episode at some point, but
typically you

802
01:08:17.926 --> 01:08:22.066
Speaker 1: want your goals to feel attainable.
Um, and the moment they stop feeling attainable,

803
01:08:22.126 --> 01:08:26.206
Speaker 1: if you've ever noticed that a goal
starts to make you feel like trash, um, it's

804
01:08:26.246 --> 01:08:30.686
Speaker 1: because it is now gap thinking. You
had the motivation because you thought you could

805
01:08:30.726 --> 01:08:34.586
Speaker 1: do something and, you know, something
has changed or you're not doing what you

806
01:08:34.646 --> 01:08:39.346
Speaker 1: thought you would be able to do
repeatedly to get those results, and now it
feels

807
01:08:39.406 --> 01:08:43.206
Speaker 1: unattainable, so every time you think
about it, you're in the gap. And what once was

808
01:08:43.266 --> 01:08:48.746
Speaker 1: beautiful and you were excited about,
now you feel bad about because potentially it

809
01:08:48.806 --> 01:08:53.866
Speaker 1: feels unattainable, which means
you're in the gap. So the trick is to make it

810
01:08:53.906 --> 01:08:57.906
Speaker 1: something that feels attainable. If
you do need to think about something that is in

811
01:08:57.926 --> 01:09:03.486
Speaker 1: the future or that you don't have,
make it fee... reconceptualize or

812
01:09:03.546 --> 01:09:07.546
Speaker 1: restructure the goal or what it is
you're thinking about to think about something
at

813
01:09:07.626 --> 01:09:12.146
Speaker 1: hand. So in this case, if you want to
be better at knitting, [chuckles] I'm making

814
01:09:12.166 --> 01:09:17.166
Speaker 1: knitting as an example, and you're so
upset that you don't know how to knit a

815
01:09:17.246 --> 01:09:22.086
Speaker 1: sweater, okay, 'cause it's too hard.
All right? That was your goal. Well, every time

816
01:09:22.126 --> 01:09:24.666
Speaker 1: you think about how the fact you, you
can't knit a sweater is gonna make you feel

817
01:09:24.726 --> 01:09:30.726
Speaker 1: bad. So instead, change the goal,
change the framing. Think about how much better

818
01:09:30.766 --> 01:09:35.786
Speaker 1: at knitting you are now. Oh, wow, you
can do socks. You can do hats. You know, two

819
01:09:35.826 --> 01:09:40.486
Speaker 1: weeks ago, you couldn't even get the
stitches to stay together at all, or the, you

820
01:09:40.506 --> 01:09:45.826
Speaker 1: know, the knitting. But, and if you
need to think about a new goal, think about a

821
01:09:45.866 --> 01:09:51.366
Speaker 1: goal that feels attainable. "Okay, I
can't do a sweater, but maybe... I bet I could

822
01:09:51.406 --> 01:09:57.386
Speaker 1: do a sleeve. That would be cool." And
if it feels attainable, you will start to feel

823
01:09:57.426 --> 01:10:01.666
Speaker 1: better again, okay? Gap in the gain.
Write that one down, too. And now for the last

824
01:10:01.706 --> 01:10:05.386
Speaker 1: topic, which I think will probably
get a little less airtime than probably
deserves,

825
01:10:07.006 --> 01:10:07.586
Speaker 1: stoicism.

826
01:10:09.666 --> 01:10:10.926
Speaker 1: And these are all interrelated.

827
01:10:12.566 --> 01:10:18.326
Speaker 1: Ah. Just go learn about stoicism.
Stoicism is a lot like some Eastern philosophies

828
01:10:18.366 --> 01:10:24.206
Speaker 1: like Buddhism. It is a philosophy
about basically

829
01:10:24.306 --> 01:10:30.086
Speaker 1: how to be happy and satisfied and
live a meaningful life right now,

830
01:10:30.886 --> 01:10:34.106
Speaker 1: no matter what is happening.
Literally, no matter what is happening. You
could be

831
01:10:34.146 --> 01:10:38.506
Speaker 1: being tortured, and if you are an
incredible stoic, you might be able to, like, at

832
01:10:38.566 --> 01:10:43.426
Speaker 1: least, like, find some neutral. It's
in... It's just an incredible set of tools,

833
01:10:44.106 --> 01:10:49.506
Speaker 1: mindset and emotional tools, and they
have come to my rescue so, so, so much. Uh,

834
01:10:49.746 --> 01:10:54.426
Speaker 1: gap in the gain is a kind of stoic
tool, okay? Challenge and threat framing were a

835
01:10:54.466 --> 01:11:00.406
Speaker 1: kind of stoic tool. Reframing past
traumas, anti-fragility, all sources

836
01:11:00.426 --> 01:11:06.326
Speaker 1: of inner strength, all of these
things are stoic tools. Um, so I won't spend an

837
01:11:06.366 --> 01:11:10.166
Speaker 1: enormous amount of time on them, but
here's the crux of the issue. Happiness is

838
01:11:10.206 --> 01:11:14.266
Speaker 1: essentially a choice. It's a choice
in the sense that there is a set of things that

839
01:11:14.306 --> 01:11:19.386
Speaker 1: you can do that will make you feel
better if you're feeling bad at any point in

840
01:11:19.446 --> 01:11:23.346
Speaker 1: time. The choice is not whether to
feel happy or not. Remember, you don't pick the

841
01:11:23.426 --> 01:11:27.626
Speaker 1: outcome. That's dumb. "Why don't you
just feel happy instead of feeling sad?" It's

842
01:11:27.666 --> 01:11:33.146
Speaker 1: not how it works. The choice is, am I
going to do the things that now

843
01:11:34.246 --> 01:11:39.846
Speaker 1: I know make me feel good, or am I
going to do the things that now I

844
01:11:39.926 --> 01:11:45.906
Speaker 1: know are making me feel bad? That is
the choice, okay? That's sort of the crux of

845
01:11:45.966 --> 01:11:51.626
Speaker 1: stoicism. It is a decision to be
happy by thinking and

846
01:11:51.766 --> 01:11:57.386
Speaker 1: acting in a way that makes you feel
good despite whatever else is

847
01:11:57.426 --> 01:11:59.786
Speaker 1: happening to you. It is a willingness

848
01:12:01.366 --> 01:12:02.826
Speaker 1: to be happy

849
01:12:04.706 --> 01:12:09.206
Speaker 1: agnostic suffering. It doesn't matter
what level of suffering you're experiencing.

850
01:12:09.606 --> 01:12:14.486
Speaker 1: In fact, trying to avoid suffering
entirely is not only pointless, uh, but a waste

851
01:12:14.526 --> 01:12:20.026
Speaker 1: of a life and may actually hurt, hurt
you more. Far better to be happy and

852
01:12:20.106 --> 01:12:25.846
Speaker 1: okay no matter what problems are
thrown at you than to try to prevent all
problems

853
01:12:25.866 --> 01:12:30.766
Speaker 1: from being thrown at you. All right?
This is sort of where this entire approach

854
01:12:30.826 --> 01:12:31.326
Speaker 1: comes from.

855
01:12:32.886 --> 01:12:33.866
Speaker 1: It is a willingness

856
01:12:35.586 --> 01:12:41.426
Speaker 1: to suffer well and meaningfully, to
lean in to the

857
01:12:41.486 --> 01:12:43.146
Speaker 1: pain where it's necessary,

858
01:12:46.526 --> 01:12:52.366
Speaker 1: and to accept that pain is never
going to stop coming, and to find a way to be
happy

859
01:12:53.166 --> 01:12:59.086
Speaker 1: anyway. More than happy, to be
empowered, to be satisfied, to

860
01:12:59.106 --> 01:13:04.866
Speaker 1: be exuberant. It is a way to enjoy
everything that life has to

861
01:13:04.986 --> 01:13:05.246
Speaker 1: offer

862
01:13:06.766 --> 01:13:11.206
Speaker 1: and to be able to withstand all of
the terrible things that it has to offer as well

863
01:13:12.006 --> 01:13:17.066
Speaker 1: in a way that doesn't derail you from
enjoying the beautiful things. That's what

864
01:13:17.126 --> 01:13:21.306
Speaker 1: stoicism's all about. Uh, there's an
enormous amount of things to learn about it.

865
01:13:23.262 --> 01:13:27.202
Speaker 1: There are hundreds of, like, little
tactics, kind of like what we've talked about

866
01:13:27.242 --> 01:13:30.802
Speaker 1: today, that are all wrapped up in the
philosophy that you can go learn about. I've

867
01:13:30.842 --> 01:13:34.802
Speaker 1: given you some of my favorite today,
and I'll leave you with just one more before I

868
01:13:34.862 --> 01:13:35.202
Speaker 1: go.

869
01:13:37.182 --> 01:13:42.782
Speaker 1: And this one comes from a modern
philosopher. I can't remember his name, but the

870
01:13:42.822 --> 01:13:48.802
Speaker 1: concept is creating fictional gods,
okay? This is actually... I think this is part

871
01:13:48.902 --> 01:13:54.262
Speaker 1: of the, um, Satanism religion,
actually. It's the belief that, uh,

872
01:13:55.042 --> 01:14:00.302
Speaker 1: the, the angel, like Satan in
Christian mythology, was not evil so much as

873
01:14:01.162 --> 01:14:05.502
Speaker 1: he serves a useful purpose of, you
know, the tests or, like, the temptations that,

874
01:14:05.582 --> 01:14:10.482
Speaker 1: uh, he tempts mortals with, like
trying to get them to do bad things, is not

875
01:14:11.102 --> 01:14:16.522
Speaker 1: actually evil. He's trying to tempt
you and hurt you and tease you into doing

876
01:14:17.042 --> 01:14:22.522
Speaker 1: bad things in the hopes that you will
choose not to, and it will make you

877
01:14:22.602 --> 01:14:27.142
Speaker 1: stronger, okay? I think that's the
rough premise. Forgive me if I got it wrong or I

878
01:14:27.182 --> 01:14:27.922
Speaker 1: offended you, but

879
01:14:29.482 --> 01:14:34.182
Speaker 1: the gist is create a fictional deity
which has way less baggage, uh, you know,

880
01:14:34.622 --> 01:14:39.682
Speaker 1: especially if you're a religious
person. Create your own fictional deity, okay?
And

881
01:14:39.742 --> 01:14:45.742
Speaker 1: this is a concept... Oh, was it
William B something? I don't know. Create some
stoic

882
01:14:45.822 --> 01:14:51.102
Speaker 1: gods, okay? Every time something bad
happens to you in your life,

883
01:14:52.122 --> 01:14:56.522
Speaker 1: it wasn't just something that
happened randomly. This is pretend. This is a

884
01:14:56.562 --> 01:14:59.402
Speaker 1: deliberate fiction. Keep in mind it's
a deliberate fiction.

885
01:15:02.162 --> 01:15:07.362
Speaker 1: It was actually the stoic gods who
did this. Every obstacle in your path, every

886
01:15:07.442 --> 01:15:13.422
Speaker 1: injury you've ever faced, every
indignity that has ever happened to you,

887
01:15:14.322 --> 01:15:19.762
Speaker 1: every little bad, every bad thing
from small to great in your life has been

888
01:15:19.842 --> 01:15:25.802
Speaker 1: caused by the stoic gods. They have
done it deliberately to you, okay? Just get in

889
01:15:25.842 --> 01:15:29.982
Speaker 1: that mindset, all right? So the next
time something bad happens to you, there is a

890
01:15:30.042 --> 01:15:35.502
Speaker 1: set of stoic gods, like a pantheon,
like the Greek gods, and they all are trying to

891
01:15:35.722 --> 01:15:39.462
Speaker 1: mess you up. They're all trying to
trip you up. They're all trying to knock you off

892
01:15:39.502 --> 01:15:44.322
Speaker 1: your game. They're trying to knock
you down. But not because they hate you, but

893
01:15:44.342 --> 01:15:50.322
Speaker 1: because they love you. Because they
know what you need most is to get stronger.

894
01:15:50.982 --> 01:15:56.562
Speaker 1: So they will find the thing you
cannot handle. They will hit you with another
blow

895
01:15:56.602 --> 01:16:01.742
Speaker 1: because you think you're not strong
enough. They will pummel you ceaselessly in

896
01:16:01.862 --> 01:16:05.022
Speaker 1: every unexpected, intolerable way you
couldn't imagine.

897
01:16:06.702 --> 01:16:10.342
Speaker 1: But they're doing it 'cause they love
you, because they know that every time they

898
01:16:10.402 --> 01:16:16.362
Speaker 1: hit you, if you are wise enough to
choose a positive story, if you are wise

899
01:16:16.402 --> 01:16:20.802
Speaker 1: enough to see these tests for what
they are, you will come out the other side

900
01:16:20.922 --> 01:16:26.422
Speaker 1: stronger than before. The stoic gods
are trying to make you stronger,

901
01:16:27.282 --> 01:16:32.542
Speaker 1: and they do that by causing ceaseless
problems, by making your life

902
01:16:32.842 --> 01:16:38.842
Speaker 1: harder to make you stronger, okay?
So, and this is similar to challenge

903
01:16:38.882 --> 01:16:43.602
Speaker 1: framing versus threat framing. Okay,
so this is like challenge framing. The stoic

904
01:16:43.662 --> 01:16:48.902
Speaker 1: gods are issuing a challenge. Every
time something bad happens to you, they're

905
01:16:48.982 --> 01:16:54.542
Speaker 1: waiting to see. It's a test. They
want to see how you'll react.

906
01:16:55.522 --> 01:17:00.722
Speaker 1: Are you going to react positively?
Are you going to interrupt your negative thought

907
01:17:00.782 --> 01:17:05.442
Speaker 1: patterns and make them positive? Are
you going to optimize for recovery? Are you

908
01:17:05.462 --> 01:17:09.482
Speaker 1: going to start using these emotional
tools, mindset tools to start getting better?

909
01:17:10.622 --> 01:17:16.502
Speaker 1: Are you going to be able to handle
this? Can you reframe your

910
01:17:16.562 --> 01:17:19.022
Speaker 1: trauma, or is this one going to take
you down?

911
01:17:20.902 --> 01:17:26.802
Speaker 1: And they hope that you will choose to
get stronger. They hope you will choose

912
01:17:26.862 --> 01:17:32.742
Speaker 1: to take this hit and get back up
again because they know it will make

913
01:17:32.782 --> 01:17:33.622
Speaker 1: you stronger.

914
01:17:35.182 --> 01:17:41.102
Speaker 1: Every problem in your life is a test.
Every problem in your life is an opportunity,

915
01:17:41.841 --> 01:17:47.062
Speaker 1: a challenge for you to conquer and

916
01:17:47.162 --> 01:17:52.742
Speaker 1: permanently grow stronger in a way
that the same problem cannot hurt you in the
same

917
01:17:52.782 --> 01:17:53.422
Speaker 1: way again.

918
01:17:55.042 --> 01:18:00.302
Speaker 1: You get stronger every single time
you are hit with a problem

919
01:18:01.482 --> 01:18:06.622
Speaker 1: if you make these choices to get
stronger. Or

920
01:18:07.602 --> 01:18:13.122
Speaker 1: every blow you take could make you
weaker. It's your choice. Now you have the tools

921
01:18:14.702 --> 01:18:19.902
Speaker 1: to do these things. Now you have the
tools to make every problem in your life

922
01:18:21.022 --> 01:18:26.182
Speaker 1: an opportunity, to make the worst
things that have ever happened to you the best

923
01:18:26.242 --> 01:18:31.622
Speaker 1: things that ever happened to you, to
become somebody so capable, so powerful,

924
01:18:32.202 --> 01:18:37.202
Speaker 1: so resilient and capable of getting
back up again that nothing can take you down

925
01:18:37.282 --> 01:18:43.222
Speaker 1: again. You can get there. I know it's
possible. I feel

926
01:18:43.262 --> 01:18:47.882
Speaker 1: like I'm getting there, but I'm never
done. The stoic gods are not done testing me

927
01:18:47.942 --> 01:18:53.822
Speaker 1: either. There's a fresh heaping plate
of problems for me every day, and they don't

928
01:18:53.882 --> 01:18:54.482
Speaker 1: stop coming.

929
01:18:56.062 --> 01:19:01.882
Speaker 1: I'm gonna demolish them because I use
challenge framing. When I feel like trash, I

930
01:19:01.902 --> 01:19:06.642
Speaker 1: realize I'm probably in the gap and
I'm comparing myself to some unrealistic ideal

931
01:19:06.682 --> 01:19:10.822
Speaker 1: that feels unattainable, something I
can't fix about the past, something I can't fix

932
01:19:10.882 --> 01:19:11.462
Speaker 1: about the future,

933
01:19:13.862 --> 01:19:18.802
Speaker 1: something that another person has
that I don't. Ah, I'm in the gap. Whoops. Gotta

934
01:19:18.822 --> 01:19:24.582
Speaker 1: get back in the game. Gotta switch.
Actually, I am very capable, and just 'cause I

935
01:19:24.622 --> 01:19:27.462
Speaker 1: couldn't change that doesn't mean I
can't change something. Actually, in here is

936
01:19:27.502 --> 01:19:31.182
Speaker 1: something I could change. Yeah, that
person has something that I don't have, but

937
01:19:31.222 --> 01:19:36.982
Speaker 1: that's okay because I have all of
these incredible things, X, Y, and Z. And look
how

938
01:19:37.042 --> 01:19:42.542
Speaker 1: far I've come already. Dang, I'm
pretty impressive. When I feel threatened, I

939
01:19:42.602 --> 01:19:48.402
Speaker 1: switch. I frame it as a challenge.
What is the least I can take? F that. What is
the

940
01:19:48.562 --> 01:19:53.882
Speaker 1: most I can take? This is, this is not
the one that's gonna take me down, stoic gods.

941
01:19:55.162 --> 01:19:59.242
Speaker 1: That's all you've got? The next time
you get slapped across the face with a problem,

942
01:20:00.482 --> 01:20:05.982
Speaker 1: just smile. That's all you've got?
Are you serious? This is not even a problem.

943
01:20:07.402 --> 01:20:13.002
Speaker 1: But when I do spiral, and I have
these negative thought patterns, I know, whoop,

944
01:20:13.082 --> 01:20:18.962
Speaker 1: gotta interrupt. Nope. Gotta think
the positive inverse. Not only that, but

945
01:20:19.062 --> 01:20:25.022
Speaker 1: I need to go talk to somebody. Am I
going crazy? I feel like I've been

946
01:20:25.062 --> 01:20:29.322
Speaker 1: in a funk for a long time. I need to
just, like, get this off my chest with somebody

947
01:20:29.342 --> 01:20:33.562
Speaker 1: who's a great listener because I know
I'll be able to recalibrate and figure out

948
01:20:33.602 --> 01:20:37.722
Speaker 1: which of my problems are real and
which ones are kinda stuff I've made up in my

949
01:20:37.762 --> 01:20:38.102
Speaker 1: head.

950
01:20:40.782 --> 01:20:43.382
Speaker 1: That is how you can handle anything.

951
01:20:45.302 --> 01:20:50.002
Speaker 1: Optimize for being able to get back
up.

952
01:20:51.302 --> 01:20:52.462
Speaker 1: It's okay to go down.

953
01:20:54.242 --> 01:20:56.922
Speaker 1: It's not okay to stay down.

954
01:20:59.122 --> 01:21:00.062
Speaker 1: This has been The Fix.