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Speaker 1: [instrumental music]

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Speaker 1: Reality 101 is a journal of
impossible experiences from first-hand
explorations into

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Speaker 1: the nature of reality, what it means
for all of us, and how you can experience it

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Speaker 1: yourself. I'm Stephen Trumbick.

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Speaker 2: And I'm Joshua Swenson.

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Speaker 2: This episode of Reality 101 is part
two of See, Wake Up, Remember. We're continuing

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Speaker 2: our conversation about what is real
and the long, winding path from imagination to

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Speaker 2: validation. This one is about how it
feels to work alone for something impossible,

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Speaker 2: not knowing whether you'll ever get
it. But before we dive into that, we always like

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Speaker 2: to start with a little check-in, so
I'm just wondering how you're arriving today,

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Speaker 2: Stephen.

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Speaker 1: Cool. Uh, always got something to
share. This is always weird for me 'cause we're

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Speaker 1: talking back in time.

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Speaker 2: [laughs]

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Speaker 1: I can't help but spoil, like,
[laughs] some of what comes ahead because I'm, I
don't

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Speaker 1: stop, right? Um, so before I tell you
how I am, I wanted to say that we got some

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Speaker 1: feedback on the show. Now we got
feedback on the show so far from, you know,

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Speaker 1: regular, uh, human beings. Uh, as I
was publishing I think the second

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Speaker 1: episode, just hear a thought, doesn't
feel like mine. Normally people don't share

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Speaker 1: feedback like this, but we can do
whatever we want here. So [laughs] I'm just
gonna

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Speaker 1: tell it to you as I experienced it.
Don't know who it is. Here's the exact quote, "I

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Speaker 1: would really like for people to
listen to this." And the next line is, like,

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Speaker 1: "More spiritual, more cosmic." But
when they say more, there's, like, a plus sign,

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Speaker 1: like a conceptual, like, increase,
like a chart.

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Speaker 2: [laughs]

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Speaker 1: Like, just include this. Like, it's
good. Keep it as it is, but just, you know, work

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Speaker 1: this in a little bit. Don't forget
these angles and just, like, there's a, like a

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Speaker 1: math equation. Like, go include these
in. [laughs] Very weird. I just laughed and

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Speaker 1: said, "All right, I'll see what I can
do." [laughs] So if we can see if we can get

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Speaker 1: some more spiritual and cosmic,
whatever that means. [laughs] Um, as far as how
I

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Speaker 1: am, I'm having a very good day. Had a
pretty profound meditation experience again

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Speaker 1: today. Um, for those of you who have
read my blog, the differentcompass.ink, there

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Speaker 1: is an article called Dancing
Starlight Dude in Jeans. I feel like about

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Speaker 1: 30% that guy right now. Uh, so it's
pretty weird and very happy day, uh, but

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Speaker 1: that was kind of the goal. If you
don't know what I'm talking about, [laughs] you

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Speaker 1: can go read it if you want to. I
think we'll eventually cover it in the show. Um,
so

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Speaker 1: all that to say is I'm feeling real
good. Um, how are you, Joshua? [laughs]

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Speaker 2: Hmm. Thanks for sharing. I love
hearing the, uh, uh, astral feedback. [laughs]

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Speaker 1: I thought it was hilarious.

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Speaker 2: [laughs] Uh, plus cosmic, plus
spiritual. Okay, I'm gonna write that down. Hmm.

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Speaker 2: Check, check. All right. I feel like
I was doing pretty cosmic, pretty spiritual in

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Speaker 2: the last few episodes, so.

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Speaker 1: It seemed like it, but it's all
relative.

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Speaker 2: I gotta get more, more cosmic and
spiritual. [clears throat] But yeah, um, I'm
also

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Speaker 2: feeling pretty great today, and, um,
just, uh, I've got a filmmaking

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Speaker 2: project that I'm working on, and so
when I'm in the flow with something like that, I

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Speaker 2: always just... It's just, it feels
really great. I'm excited to wake up. I'm
excited

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Speaker 2: to go to work. Um, yeah, so that's
cool. And I wanted to

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Speaker 2: share an experience I had, what was
it, last night, uh, meditation. And

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Speaker 2: normally my big meditation
experiences happen in the middle of the night,
3:00 AM or

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Speaker 2: so, but this one came through, uh, in
my evening meditation. Uh, I've been

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Speaker 2: doing, um...

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Speaker 2: I've been using binaural beats, uh,
and meditation music focused on different

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Speaker 2: chakras to help me anchor my
awareness, uh, and so I started with the
meditation

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Speaker 2: of, uh, in my solar plexus 'cause I
was feeling a little anxiety, uh, in that space.

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Speaker 2: Um, resolved that energy, and then I
shifted to a throat awareness, um,

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Speaker 2: [clears throat] throat resonance, uh,
music, and then shifted to a,

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Speaker 2: um, third eye opening, s- um, music,
and this was binaural beats, which is, like,

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Speaker 2: different, um, frequencies playing in
different, in either ear, which is supposed to

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Speaker 2: help calibrate and sync your
hemispheres. Um, [clears throat] and this one,

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Speaker 2: um, yeah, I was just feeling opening,
uh, in the space in my,

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Speaker 2: uh, in my head. [laughs] I have a
long history with, uh, becoming aware with

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Speaker 2: how I'm holding tension in my body
and, um, energy and emotion and how they come

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Speaker 2: through and feeling deeply into those
spaces. And then something started happening

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Speaker 2: in... I started getting this, like,
clicking sound coming through, and it was like,

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Speaker 2: it felt like it was coming from
inside my head, almost as if, like, there was,
my

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Speaker 2: sinus was kind of, like, popping open
or, like, there was-

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Speaker 1: So like a physical clicking sound?

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Speaker 2: It, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.

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Speaker 2: [clears throat] And, um, I had
recently watched the trailer for the Steven
Spielberg

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Speaker 2: movie coming out, Disclosure Day,
which I am very excited to see. And, uh,

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Speaker 2: there's one scene in that movie where
a news anchor, uh, it seems like her voice

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Speaker 2: gets taken over, and there's this,
like, kind of haunting clicking noise that comes

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Speaker 2: through. And so I w- when I saw that,
I was like, "Oh..." Uh, a- and then the, the

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Speaker 2: movie itself, it seems to be
associated with the grays 'cause at, at some
point

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Speaker 2: there's a image of a, um, a moose,
and the moose is, like, leaning

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Speaker 2: over one of the characters, and then
its nose shifts into the face of a, a gray. So

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Speaker 2: you're like, "Oh, this is m- this is,
these are the aliens in this movie. These are

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Speaker 2: grays." Um, and I, I thought, you
know, I'm aware that a lot of these beings,

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Speaker 2: um, appear to tel- telepathically
communicate with people, and, um-

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Speaker 2: Uh, so I was like-- When I saw the
trailer, I was like skeptical. Like, "That's not

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Speaker 2: what they sound like when they
telepathically communicate, probably." But then
I get

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Speaker 2: this clicking noise in my head, and
I'm like, "Oh, shit. It's the Grays." [laughs]

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Speaker 1: I don't know, man. I don't have any
experience with this-

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Speaker 2: No

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Speaker 1: ... this part of your cosmic drama.
[laughs]

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Speaker 2: And then, and then, um, so I was
like, "Okay. Uh, well, let me see."

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Speaker 2: And, um, I've had some experiences in
attempting to reach out,

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Speaker 2: uh, with these beings in the past and

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Speaker 2: feeling as if they were reaching to
me. Um, and so I imagine what

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Speaker 2: if I'm sitting in the presence of one
of these beings, you know, as if like I'm

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Speaker 2: meditating before, um, a Gray
sitting, you know, on my bench here with me,

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Speaker 2: and my whole body lights up with this
pinging sensation. So it felt like, you know,

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Speaker 2: confirmation. It kind of feels like,
you know, being in the presence of a predator.

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Speaker 2: Um, like imagine-

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Speaker 1: Yeah

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Speaker 2: ... swimming with a shark or a whale
or something like that. You know, just human--

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Speaker 2: Modern-day humans don't get the
opportunity to, uh, interact with

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Speaker 2: anything that's more intimidating
than we are [chuckles] on a daily basis.

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Speaker 1: But not necessarily threatening. To
clear. I mean, I don't wanna put words in your

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Speaker 1: mouth. You tell me.

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Speaker 2: Right. Uh, there's a feeling of...
I'm, I'm, I'm like-- I-- If, if one of these

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Speaker 2: beings show up, showed up in my room
right now, I feel like I would be-

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Speaker 1: Well-

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Speaker 2: ... very intimidated. I, I would be-

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Speaker 1: It's a little different.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. The-- But like imagining
physically being in the presence of one of these

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Speaker 2: beings. Um-

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Speaker 1: Uh, I like to call it like a, like a
pressure wave. Like for me-

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Speaker 2: Mm

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Speaker 1: ... it's like something is like
pushing on me, like to the point where almost
like,

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Speaker 1: yeah, adrenal response, where you
feel like your-

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Speaker 2: Yeah

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Speaker 1: ... brain is being shut down and
you're, you go into fight or flight.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: It can feel like a pressure wave
coming at you, and it's like it's hard to like
stay

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Speaker 1: conscious in, in the midst of that.

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: I've had that in dream and liminal
experiences, but not physically. I've never had
a

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Speaker 1: physical close encounter.

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Speaker 2: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, that
was...

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.

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Speaker 2: That was kind of my response, you
know? I, I think, uh, I've sat through numerous

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Speaker 2: experiences with these beings, uh, or
like with like imagining presence of them and

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Speaker 2: then like kind of getting these
pings. Um, and I'm like always like, it feels

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Speaker 2: as if I'm communicating or as if I'm
in the presence of them. Um, yeah.

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Speaker 2: So-

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Speaker 1: Just like we talked about-

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Speaker 2: ... that's what came through-

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Speaker 1: ... last time

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Speaker 2: ... my meditation. [laughs]

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Speaker 1: 'Cause your med- the meditation?

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Speaker 2: No, that's what through-- came
through in my meditation.

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Speaker 1: Oh.

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Speaker 2: And, and then it was like it was, uh,
there was a kind of like conversation I felt

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Speaker 2: like I was having as I was-

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Speaker 1: Mm

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Speaker 2: ... um, as I was imagining this
presence. So it's like, is this happening in

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Speaker 2: imagination, or is this happening in
reality? Or is there [laughs] some gray area?

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Speaker 2: Who knows? Yeah. [laughs] That's kind
of the point, right? Why we're talking.

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Speaker 2: [laughs]

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I remember what we talked
about. I mean, you literally brought it up, like

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Speaker 1: what we talked about last time. You
have to hold all of this stuff in this like

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Speaker 1: maybe sort of space where, yeah, you
got strong validation, but you have to hold

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Speaker 1: lightly as to why. Were you being
encouraged because you took seriously that
perhaps

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Speaker 1: there could be another being here
that isn't physical, and that is why you're
being

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Speaker 1: encouraged?

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: Or is it literal, in the sense that
it's direct? No, literally this exact species of

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Speaker 1: entity you think is here. Or is it
literally just praise for even having considered

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Speaker 1: that?

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: Or maybe it could be any of those or
something else, right?

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: It could be something else entirely.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Uh, I would take seriously what you
felt-

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Speaker 2: Mm-hmm

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Speaker 1: ... without holding too t- tightly
onto any one interpretation-

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Speaker 2: Yeah

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Speaker 1: ... until, you know, it sort of comes
out eventually. It comes out in the wash. You

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Speaker 1: eventually-- There's a through line.
There's a pattern. Then eventually you're like,

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Speaker 1: "Okay, these other narratives can
fall away." It wasn't literally-

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Speaker 2: Yeah

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Speaker 1: ... a gray alien or, you know, maybe
it was. I don't know. Like the other things

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Speaker 1: will fall away over time if you take
it seriously.

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: Um, you'll get these corrections in
iteratively. So sounds like progress to me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Um,

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Speaker 2: yeah. I have the perception that we
are living in a time when some kind of

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Speaker 2: disclosure or contact is approaching.
Um, and with, uh, with something like this

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Speaker 2: movie and Steven Spielberg, you know,
publicly coming out and saying, um, you know,

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Speaker 2: he believes this phenomena is, the
phenomena is real, that, uh, that creates a

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Speaker 2: doorway for the phenomena to enter
more broadly into public consciousness, uh,
which

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Speaker 2: then creates the opportunity for more
of these experiences and more contact to start

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Speaker 2: happening. Just as when Whitley
Strieber in the '80s published his book
Communion,

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Speaker 2: and all these people started
remembering their own contact experiences, um,
and

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Speaker 2: flooding the gates of like, you know,
just opened the floodgates. Um, so

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Speaker 2: I feel like these, the Grays are
particularly like kind of creepy looking,
[laughs]

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Speaker 2: you know? Or just like my perception
and culturally, like my, you know, upbringing

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Speaker 2: and everything, like, uh, they're
alien. You know? They're just unknown.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Um, so there's like a, there's a
terror like associated with encountering the

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Speaker 2: unknown. You know?

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Speaker 1: It's a straight-up biological-

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Speaker 2: Yeah

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Speaker 1: ... reaction.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: There's a number of like-

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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly

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00:11:30,584 --> 00:11:33,164
Speaker 1: ... in the lore, there's a number of
species that fall into an uncanny valley-

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Speaker 2: Mm

195
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Speaker 1: ... just biologically for humans for
whatever reason, and they are well aware of

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Speaker 1: that. [laughs]

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Speaker 2: Mm. [laughs]

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Speaker 1: They know that. For good or bad,
right? They're, they're well aware of that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And then the, the punchline of this,
uh, meditation, though, was, uh, I lifted my--

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Speaker 2: The next time this clicking happened,
I was like, "Oh, it's coming again." So I

202
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Speaker 2: thought another transmission was
coming through. [laughs] I'm just sitting with
the

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Speaker 2: possibility that this is happening,
right?

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Uh, and then I lift my earphone. I'm
like, "Oh, it's actually coming from the

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Speaker 2: music," which is like-

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Speaker 1: Yeah

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Speaker 2: ... I never heard music that has this
kind of like clicking that makes it feel like

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Speaker 2: it's strobing across your forehead.
It was pretty, pretty cool. Um, but yeah, it was

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Speaker 2: like, okay, I guess my, uh... But I
still had this, like, interesting, like,

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Speaker 2: heightened, um, physiological
experience, uh, just in, like,

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Speaker 2: imagining that that was what was
happening.

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Speaker 1: Resist the urge to assume that magic
only comes through specific channels.

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Speaker 2: Mm.

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Speaker 1: Nothing is off limits. I have had
synchronicities happen to me in video games.

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Speaker 2: [laughs]

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Speaker 1: Nothing is off limits. Like, it's-

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Speaker 2: Yeah

219
00:12:38,532 --> 00:12:41,472
Speaker 1: ... it's all reality, man. It's, you
think it's any harder to, like, put a thought

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Speaker 1: in your head as it is to, like,
change, like, what card you draw in a video
game,

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Speaker 1: like a card game? [laughs] I'm like,
no, it's not any harder. Like, there's, nothing

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Speaker 1: is off limits. So don't assume that
just bec- ah, it came through a physical

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Speaker 1: channel, therefore it was all
nothing. Like-

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Speaker 2: Hmm

225
00:12:57,772 --> 00:13:03,412
Speaker 1: ... there's that balance between
delusion and, like, skepticism. Like, is there,

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Speaker 1: expect eventual accountability, but
don't assume 'cause it comes through an expected

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Speaker 1: channel that it was nothing.

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Speaker 1: Just saying. Um, you don't need to
over-index on it, but I have found that to be

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Speaker 1: true as well. That the even more
traditional, like, means, like, oh, it has a
known

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Speaker 1: source. Well, that means it has no
meaning now? Like, you've... Before, this meant

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Speaker 1: something to you, but now that you
realize it came from an, oh, I just-

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Speaker 2: Mm

233
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Speaker 1: ... I know what that was. It's
explainable now.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't mean it didn't still
have the same message for you, like, hey, pay

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Speaker 1: attention, or hey, focus on this.
[laughs]

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: You should keep the message even if
the source ended up being verifiable. Something

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Speaker 1: can be two things at the same time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

241
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Speaker 1: Gets complicated.

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Speaker 2: No, it was a very real experience for
me. And, um-

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Speaker 1: Yeah

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Speaker 2: ... uh, I want to make myself ready
to sit in the presence of these beings, you

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Speaker 2: know? I want to live in such a way
that I am prepared, and that was the
conversation

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Speaker 2: that was happening in my mind. I was
like, "I'm ready to make contact. Oh, I'm want

247
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Speaker 2: to be ready or make contact. Prepare
me to make contact, please." Like, [laughs]

248
00:14:03,232 --> 00:14:03,892
Speaker 2: this kind of like-

249
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Speaker 1: Yep.

250
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:05,412
Speaker 2: [laughs]

251
00:14:05,452 --> 00:14:07,712
Speaker 1: Yeah. You just got a little poke.
Let's see.

252
00:14:08,192 --> 00:14:08,193
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.

253
00:14:08,232 --> 00:14:10,232
Speaker 1: Does he spazz out and pee his pants?

254
00:14:10,912 --> 00:14:11,432
Speaker 2: Yeah.

255
00:14:11,452 --> 00:14:14,672
Speaker 1: Uh, well, it seems like he did okay.
So awesome, man.

256
00:14:14,672 --> 00:14:15,132
Speaker 2: [laughs]

257
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Speaker 1: I look forward to hearing whatever
happens next. Sounds like it's good.

258
00:14:18,932 --> 00:14:20,211
Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm excited to see the movie
too.

259
00:14:20,672 --> 00:14:21,072
Speaker 1: [laughs] That-

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Speaker 2: Yeah. With that, you know, preamble
aside-

261
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Speaker 1: Sure

262
00:14:25,372 --> 00:14:30,052
Speaker 2: ... um, let's dive in. So we're
picking up where we left off. Um, Steven was
sharing

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Speaker 2: about synchronicities he had, and
then a, uh, conversation with

264
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Speaker 2: this soul mother being. Um, correct
me if I'm, if I'm misremembering, but that's, I

265
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Speaker 2: believe that's where we left off in-

266
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Speaker 1: Yeah

267
00:14:44,012 --> 00:14:45,172
Speaker 2: ... in the story, part one.

268
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Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.

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Speaker 1: So, sorry, I heard a noise in my
room. It's weird. Whatever. Yes. Uh, so she has
a

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Speaker 1: name. Um,

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Speaker 1: a lot of people end up having names.
You get them way later. Uh, but just call her

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Speaker 1: Mother for this. You know, I have a
mom, [laughs] a human mom, so it's a little

273
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Speaker 1: confusing. But in typical telepathy
pass- fashion, you always know which one you're

274
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Speaker 1: referring to. In the same way that if
you're looking at somebody with body language,

275
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Speaker 1: even if there's two Davids in the
room, [laughs] it's the David you're looking at

276
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Speaker 1: that you're talking to. Um, so
wrapping up that experience, and I'm coming off

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Speaker 1: a high, right? It's, things are
awesome, and, um,

278
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Speaker 1: we're gonna continue talking about
this one narrative arc that we're carving

279
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Speaker 1: through, like, four months.

280
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Speaker 1: I go back to work, right? And so it's
just after the new year now,

281
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Speaker 1: and I'm all amped up. Like, I know,
like, I feel like I'm just, like,

282
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Speaker 1: buzzing with, like, energy. Like, I,
I have, [laughs] I've been given this, like,

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Speaker 1: golden tome of, like, here's, like,
how consciousness interacts with reality on a

284
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Speaker 1: low level. I'm like, I can't stop
thinking about it. Like, [laughs] I have some

285
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Speaker 1: family beyond this. And, like,

286
00:16:03,432 --> 00:16:08,852
Speaker 1: it feels very exciting, right? I'm
beginning to see, like, benefits to what before

287
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Speaker 1: was like, I don't know, like,
spiritual chaos. Like, it was noise. Like, a lot
of

288
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Speaker 1: the time, I, it was what I called
sticking my finger in the spiritual wall outlet.

289
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Speaker 1: It's like, "Ugh, stuff is happening."
[laughs] It doesn't make any sense. Um, but

290
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Speaker 1: now it's like, "Oh, okay, this is
cool." Like, now I'm getting utility and, like,

291
00:16:27,692 --> 00:16:32,472
Speaker 1: direct information and, like,
conversation and, like, good feelings. Oh, a
family.

292
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Speaker 1: [laughs] Oh, this is cool. Uh, life
beyond death. [laughs] I'm, I'm starting to get

293
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Speaker 1: on board for this. Um, and then I go
back to work. Uh, so I work a corporate job,

294
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Speaker 1: which has been good to me. Uh, but
it's corporate America, you know? It's tough.

295
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Speaker 1: This is a really hard contrast.

296
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Speaker 2: Mm.

297
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Speaker 1: Um, I am not feeling it. And I start
to slip into a depression. Not only do I

298
00:16:55,552 --> 00:17:00,392
Speaker 1: start to slip into a depression, but
the kinds of experiences, I am, like,

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00:17:00,532 --> 00:17:05,272
Speaker 1: frantically clamoring, like, trying
to get this kind of experience back, whether it

300
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Speaker 1: is, like, direct communication or,
like, in those liminal states or meditative

301
00:17:09,572 --> 00:17:13,592
Speaker 1: states. I'm trying to either make
contact or just get any impression. I'm trying
to

302
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:18,272
Speaker 1: make anything happen, right? Whether
even it's just a vivid dream or something,

303
00:17:18,652 --> 00:17:21,912
Speaker 1: because I've had a lot of things
happening to me at this point. It's not just

304
00:17:21,972 --> 00:17:26,692
Speaker 1: contact with these people. It's all
kinds of incredible effects. Those

305
00:17:28,292 --> 00:17:34,252
Speaker 1: stop. [laughs] I am Steven. I'm
straight Steven. That good feeling is gone,

306
00:17:35,092 --> 00:17:40,912
Speaker 1: and I panic. And I'm back at work,
and I am completely depressed by my
surroundings.

307
00:17:41,512 --> 00:17:46,892
Speaker 1: I'm, like, looking at the wall like,
"You gotta be kidding me." [laughs] Like, this

308
00:17:46,952 --> 00:17:51,992
Speaker 1: can't be it. There's no way. There's
no way. I got Matrix blue pilled, even though I

309
00:17:52,032 --> 00:17:53,332
Speaker 1: want the red pill. And-

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Speaker 2: Mm-hmm

311
00:17:53,912 --> 00:17:57,912
Speaker 1: ... turns out the way it works is you
don't get to forget. [laughs] You still know

312
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:03,412
Speaker 1: the Matrix. You just have to live in
it now. I'm like, "Wait, what? No, this can't

313
00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:08,292
Speaker 1: be right." [laughs] It's surely not.
Um, it keeps happening.

314
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Speaker 1: And,

315
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:17,008
Speaker 1: but it's not all, like, depression
and, like- Freaking out, trying to recapture

316
00:18:17,068 --> 00:18:20,148
Speaker 1: this. It's like the harder I squeeze,
like, the more it leaves me. I feel like the

317
00:18:20,188 --> 00:18:25,388
Speaker 1: magic has left me. But at the same
time, very maddeningly, I'm back at work,

318
00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:31,508
Speaker 1: but I can't do my job. Like, I can't
log in.

319
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:36,888
Speaker 1: My password has changed or
something's wrong. And then my computer, like,
straight

320
00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:42,048
Speaker 1: up, like, bricks. Like, I can't use
it. And I'm trying to use an alternative device,

321
00:18:42,108 --> 00:18:45,368
Speaker 1: which has already been loaded up
with, like, the proprietary software to be able
to

322
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:51,248
Speaker 1: authenticate. It doesn't work.
Nothing works. All the backups, everything. No
one

323
00:18:51,288 --> 00:18:55,988
Speaker 1: can help. IT is gone, even though
they're supposed to be there. It's this storm of

324
00:18:56,048 --> 00:19:01,308
Speaker 1: hilarious things. So I've come back
and, like, [sniffs] nothing is working.

325
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:06,948
Speaker 1: [laughs] Like, I can't get in no
matter what I do. Like, I am beating down doors.

326
00:19:06,988 --> 00:19:11,188
Speaker 1: Like, it's been, like, days, and all
I can do is sit here in my office, right? Like,

327
00:19:11,328 --> 00:19:16,028
Speaker 1: [laughs] I can't actually program.
I'm a software engineer. I can't, [laughs] I

328
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:20,288
Speaker 1: can't actually do my job. And it's--
The number of things that go wrong is just

329
00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:24,548
Speaker 1: comical. I'm sitting on, like,
corporate tech support, and I get

330
00:19:26,128 --> 00:19:30,188
Speaker 1: the most hilarious person I've ever
talked to in tech support. This man is reading

331
00:19:30,228 --> 00:19:34,368
Speaker 1: from a script at, like... Some people
listen to, like, podcasts and books at two

332
00:19:34,408 --> 00:19:39,268
Speaker 1: times speed. This guy is at one
quarter speed. He is reading so slowly that I
have

333
00:19:39,308 --> 00:19:43,848
Speaker 1: to mute myself because I am laughing
in tears. Like, this can't be real. Like, this,

334
00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:49,808
Speaker 1: "Excuse me, sir. Could you please..."
And he is so bored,

335
00:19:50,528 --> 00:19:54,308
Speaker 1: and he-- [laughs] I have to call him
multiple times. And, like,

336
00:19:56,088 --> 00:20:00,308
Speaker 1: I'm losing my mind at this point. I'm
like, "This can't be real." Like, I literally

337
00:20:00,388 --> 00:20:06,068
Speaker 1: cannot work. Like, I'm here, but I'm
not here. Like, I can't actually do my job. And

338
00:20:06,128 --> 00:20:10,368
Speaker 1: at some point, I just surrender. I'm
like, "It's been four or five days now." You

339
00:20:10,408 --> 00:20:13,448
Speaker 1: know, it's just after the holidays or
whatever, so, like, everything's warming up.

340
00:20:13,488 --> 00:20:19,308
Speaker 1: People are still off, and, like, it's
fine. But I'm-- At some point, I get the sign.

341
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:23,188
Speaker 1: Like, "Cool, man. I think I'm
supposed to sit with this, and I'm supposed to
just,

342
00:20:23,248 --> 00:20:27,688
Speaker 1: like, you know, integrate a little
bit." I'm not going to be allowed to jump right

343
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:31,908
Speaker 1: back into my life as it was. I can't
go right back to being regular Steven, doing my

344
00:20:31,988 --> 00:20:35,788
Speaker 1: job, and pretending like, you know,
corporate software development is, like, the

345
00:20:35,828 --> 00:20:40,208
Speaker 1: only purpose of my life. And this
didn't just happen to me. This set of incredible

346
00:20:40,248 --> 00:20:45,108
Speaker 1: things didn't just happen to me. It's
like I'm being forced to be given space to

347
00:20:45,168 --> 00:20:49,868
Speaker 1: think about, you know, what this
means and who I wanna be and what I'm gonna do
with

348
00:20:49,908 --> 00:20:55,168
Speaker 1: this. And so I do. Um, so I start
writing an article. Um, there's an article on
the

349
00:20:55,208 --> 00:20:59,488
Speaker 1: blog called, I think, "33 Years in a
Room With No Exit." So if you wanna know what

350
00:20:59,548 --> 00:21:04,688
Speaker 1: my headspace was like, go read that
one. [laughs] It's very angsty. It's F this,

351
00:21:04,768 --> 00:21:09,588
Speaker 1: rage against the machine. [laughs]
This is stupid. Uh, not that I'm ungrateful, but

352
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:10,088
Speaker 1: I just...

353
00:21:11,648 --> 00:21:14,528
Speaker 1: This mechanism at large in society,
I'm,

354
00:21:16,168 --> 00:21:22,148
Speaker 1: I am so not feeling [laughs] regular
corporate America suburban

355
00:21:22,208 --> 00:21:26,648
Speaker 1: life. Like, this is wrong. This is,
this feels so wrong. We could be doing anything.

356
00:21:26,808 --> 00:21:31,428
Speaker 1: Why the hell are we doing this? Now,
I can't do anything. Like, I'm, I've just been

357
00:21:31,488 --> 00:21:36,528
Speaker 1: given the awareness, and then it's
gone, right? And more maddening is that I'm

358
00:21:36,568 --> 00:21:38,488
Speaker 1: beginning to become depressed because
I'm,

359
00:21:40,428 --> 00:21:43,928
Speaker 1: like, stuck between things, right?
I'm not actually, like... I'm not being allowed

360
00:21:43,968 --> 00:21:48,328
Speaker 1: to return to regular life, [laughs]
doing my job or getting lost in that. But also,

361
00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:53,068
Speaker 1: there's, like, a vacuum on the other
end too. None of these, like, supernatural or

362
00:21:53,628 --> 00:21:58,748
Speaker 1: special experiences are happening.
They're gone. I'm just depressed. Um, so that's

363
00:21:59,248 --> 00:22:04,148
Speaker 1: the headspace I'm in, uh, for a
while, like a little over a week, a week and a
half,

364
00:22:04,168 --> 00:22:07,028
Speaker 1: which doesn't seem like a long time,
but after something like this happens to you,

365
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:12,208
Speaker 1: you can imagine the kind of doubt and
dread that sinks in. Like, I can't talk to

366
00:22:12,228 --> 00:22:17,308
Speaker 1: these people. It's gone. Gone, gone.
And I'm like, "What the hell?" [laughs] Like,

367
00:22:17,348 --> 00:22:21,088
Speaker 1: "This can't be... There's no way.
What if this never comes back?" Like, that, I'm

368
00:22:21,128 --> 00:22:24,688
Speaker 1: more afraid of that than I am, like,
what if I'm crazy or this isn't real? Like,

369
00:22:25,208 --> 00:22:28,928
Speaker 1: that ship has sailed at this point.
Like, I still have doubts as to what it means

370
00:22:28,968 --> 00:22:32,987
Speaker 1: or, like, that's just the human
condition. But I'm far more afraid of the

371
00:22:33,028 --> 00:22:38,228
Speaker 1: possibility that what if it was and
it's just gone now? That's how I'm feeling.

372
00:22:40,908 --> 00:22:41,108
Speaker 3: Hmm.

373
00:22:44,788 --> 00:22:48,948
Speaker 1: So from there, like, what do you do
about that? [laughs] That's what I'm sitting

374
00:22:48,988 --> 00:22:54,488
Speaker 1: with, right? What would you do? It's
not, it's not clear. Like, I'm obsessively

375
00:22:54,548 --> 00:22:58,388
Speaker 1: poring over my journals. I've got so
many journals. Like, what did I do to create

376
00:22:58,448 --> 00:23:03,268
Speaker 1: this state? Like, I'm like a crazy
person. Like, but not [laughs] because something

377
00:23:03,308 --> 00:23:07,508
Speaker 1: crazy has happened to me, but because
I want it back. [laughs] I want the magic

378
00:23:07,548 --> 00:23:13,468
Speaker 1: back. Um, one night before my
birthday, so it's been like a week and a half or

379
00:23:13,528 --> 00:23:17,748
Speaker 1: so at this point since the
experiences of the last, the end of the last
episode.

380
00:23:19,548 --> 00:23:23,148
Speaker 1: I can't sleep. Like, I'm trying to
force, like, out-of-body experiences. I take,
um,

381
00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:27,368
Speaker 1: [tsks] there's a supplement you can
take for lucid dreaming. I can't remember what

382
00:23:27,428 --> 00:23:30,048
Speaker 1: it... It starts with a G.
Galantamine, I think. Um-

383
00:23:30,288 --> 00:23:30,448
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.

384
00:23:31,228 --> 00:23:35,248
Speaker 1: Nobody go start pounding this stuff.
Like, [laughs] do your own research. Um, but,

385
00:23:36,268 --> 00:23:41,468
Speaker 1: um, trying to force an out-of-body
state, uh, which, you know, I'd had a few.

386
00:23:42,108 --> 00:23:47,068
Speaker 1: Um, I'd been practicing that too, and
it doesn't work. [laughs] Nothing happens. I

387
00:23:47,108 --> 00:23:51,848
Speaker 1: end up just staying awake all night,
basically all night, laying in my bed. This is

388
00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:57,808
Speaker 1: two days before my birthday now. Um,
I'm just, like, talking to myself. I'm, like,

389
00:23:57,868 --> 00:24:03,448
Speaker 1: in this childlike state. It's so
weird. Uh, I, I end up literally

390
00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:07,708
Speaker 1: monologuing to myself for, like, six
hours in bed, like, not sleeping, in my head,

391
00:24:07,868 --> 00:24:10,988
Speaker 1: right? I'm like, "I'll wake up my
wife." And I'm just talking about all sorts of

392
00:24:11,028 --> 00:24:15,208
Speaker 1: things, and at some point, I notice
that this is weird. Like, I even mention to

393
00:24:15,248 --> 00:24:19,028
Speaker 1: myself, "Huh, where's the other part
of me, like the other half of me that usually

394
00:24:19,068 --> 00:24:23,428
Speaker 1: makes me sound smart when I say
stuff? Because I feel very dumb right now."
[laughs]

395
00:24:23,468 --> 00:24:23,548
Speaker 1: Like-

396
00:24:24,068 --> 00:24:24,128
Speaker 3: Hmm.

397
00:24:24,168 --> 00:24:28,904
Speaker 1: Just like a child. I feel like a
child. I remembered I spent 20 minutes just

398
00:24:28,944 --> 00:24:34,484
Speaker 1: thinking about, "I wonder if I'll
ever get to pet a fox. I wonder how soft a fox
is.

399
00:24:34,584 --> 00:24:40,164
Speaker 1: I bet they're so soft. I really want
to pet a fox." Uh, literally for 20 minutes

400
00:24:40,424 --> 00:24:40,724
Speaker 1: thinking about-

401
00:24:40,744 --> 00:24:45,284
Speaker 2: Spoiler, you do get to pet a fox at
some point, right? [laughs]

402
00:24:45,324 --> 00:24:48,944
Speaker 1: So the next day, my wife announces to
me, "By the way, for your birthday, you're

403
00:24:49,004 --> 00:24:49,824
Speaker 1: taking the day off."

404
00:24:50,464 --> 00:24:50,564
Speaker 2: Ah.

405
00:24:50,584 --> 00:24:55,884
Speaker 1: "We are going to a capybara cafe
where you get to pet capybaras and other
animals,

406
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:59,704
Speaker 1: and I just heard that they have a
fox, and you're going to get to pet it." We have

407
00:24:59,744 --> 00:25:02,684
Speaker 1: not talked about this. I hadn't told
her anything about this, and I'm like, "Oh my

408
00:25:02,744 --> 00:25:08,164
Speaker 1: God." [laughs] It's like, click. Hey,
don't forget, you're creating your own

409
00:25:08,204 --> 00:25:12,984
Speaker 1: reality, buddy. Like, this is still
true. Uh, do you wanna live in a depressive

410
00:25:13,124 --> 00:25:18,864
Speaker 1: state where you get to do nothing, or
maybe you could make something happen? And

411
00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:22,784
Speaker 1: it's just like the turnaround was so
fast that I just couldn't help but laugh. My

412
00:25:22,824 --> 00:25:27,284
Speaker 1: computer unlocks. I can go back to
work. I'm like, "Okay." It's like this, like,

413
00:25:27,344 --> 00:25:33,344
Speaker 1: this block is gone. Um, I remember,
like, desperately just

414
00:25:33,384 --> 00:25:36,344
Speaker 1: being like, "I want this back. Like,
I want this feeling. I'm done being depressed.

415
00:25:36,644 --> 00:25:41,664
Speaker 1: I [laughs] don't wanna do it anymore.
I'm done being depressed." And things start

416
00:25:41,704 --> 00:25:46,464
Speaker 1: happening again, like really quickly,
within hours of that.

417
00:25:46,684 --> 00:25:46,964
Speaker 2: Hmm.

418
00:25:47,064 --> 00:25:52,904
Speaker 1: Uh, I start having contact and
experiences again. Um,

419
00:25:53,924 --> 00:25:59,244
Speaker 1: I... The night before my birthday, I
go to sleep, and I'm in a, having a dream, and

420
00:25:59,544 --> 00:26:03,984
Speaker 1: m- a bunch of family members are at
my childhood home, and I walk away from the

421
00:26:04,044 --> 00:26:08,524
Speaker 1: party. I'm not lucid in this dream.
It's just, you know, I'm just in it. And then I

422
00:26:08,604 --> 00:26:10,784
Speaker 1: am in the pantry, and then I just
hear a voice.

423
00:26:18,044 --> 00:26:18,124
Speaker 2: Oh.

424
00:26:18,364 --> 00:26:24,344
Speaker 1: And the voice is, it's my dad. Uh,
and since most of the

425
00:26:24,384 --> 00:26:29,484
Speaker 1: listeners won't know, my dad died a
few years ago, and he just says, "Happy

426
00:26:29,524 --> 00:26:33,803
Speaker 1: birthday, Steve." And I wake up
because it shocks me. There's just, like, this

427
00:26:33,863 --> 00:26:38,124
Speaker 1: electric, like, awareness. I'm
rocketed into, like, awareness, like you might
be

428
00:26:38,184 --> 00:26:41,844
Speaker 1: from a sudden, like, nightmare, like
when it scares you and knocks you out of it. I

429
00:26:41,884 --> 00:26:47,284
Speaker 1: wake up because it has this different
quality to it. Like, I know that it wasn't a

430
00:26:47,344 --> 00:26:53,024
Speaker 1: dream. Like, it was him. It was,
like, exactly the way he says it, and I wake

431
00:26:53,124 --> 00:26:58,264
Speaker 1: up, and I'm just crying [laughs]
like, 'cause I knew it was him. And, um,

432
00:26:59,044 --> 00:27:03,284
Speaker 1: before I had gone to sleep that
night, I usually just say goodnight, you know,
like,

433
00:27:03,504 --> 00:27:06,204
Speaker 1: like a kid says their prayers. I just
say goodnight to everybody. At this point, why

434
00:27:06,244 --> 00:27:09,784
Speaker 1: not, right? [laughs] Eh, you're out
there. I know you can hear me, so I'll say

435
00:27:09,824 --> 00:27:14,904
Speaker 1: goodnight to everybody. That night
when I said goodnight, I heard, not audio, but

436
00:27:15,744 --> 00:27:21,604
Speaker 1: thought, um, but to the point that it
was heard, like 12 different people say

437
00:27:21,644 --> 00:27:25,244
Speaker 1: goodnight and, like, happy birthday
at the same time, like all overlapping. Like,

438
00:27:25,304 --> 00:27:31,024
Speaker 1: it's just noise, like uh. [laughs]
And I'm like, "Okay, that's never happened

439
00:27:31,064 --> 00:27:35,384
Speaker 1: before." Normally, I just say
goodnight, and it goes out into the void.
[laughs] I

440
00:27:35,424 --> 00:27:40,184
Speaker 1: wasn't trying to make anything
happen. So, like, it's coming back to me now.
It's

441
00:27:40,224 --> 00:27:44,604
Speaker 1: coming back to me, and I'm coming
back with a vengeance. Like, I'm motivated now.

442
00:27:44,844 --> 00:27:49,144
Speaker 1: I'm s- coming out of the depression.
It's amazing how you can go from, "Ah, it's all

443
00:27:49,224 --> 00:27:54,684
Speaker 1: over. Nothing was real. This sucks.
It's all gonna go away now," to just a little

444
00:27:54,744 --> 00:27:58,964
Speaker 1: crack. You get a little crack, and a
little light comes in. You're like, "Ah, I'm

445
00:27:59,004 --> 00:28:03,884
Speaker 1: making this depression happen." Um,
it, it's really just, like, a continual offer.

446
00:28:04,144 --> 00:28:07,284
Speaker 1: There's been a number of times when
this has happened to me. It's like a... And

447
00:28:07,344 --> 00:28:11,744
Speaker 1: sometimes I've gotten, like, the
direct quote. I read that in my meditation
journal,

448
00:28:11,784 --> 00:28:16,044
Speaker 1: like, right before this. "Which life
do you want to live? You're the one that's

449
00:28:16,104 --> 00:28:19,964
Speaker 1: choosing. What do you want? Which one
you want?" That's all this is. [laughs] Like,

450
00:28:20,524 --> 00:28:24,344
Speaker 1: you're being shown a choice. There's
two paths here, buddy. It's not a one-time

451
00:28:24,384 --> 00:28:28,624
Speaker 1: choice between red and blue. It's
like a continual one, man. Which one you want?
Do

452
00:28:28,644 --> 00:28:34,064
Speaker 1: you wanna be, be depressed and scared
and worried and go back to this, or do you

453
00:28:34,124 --> 00:28:39,944
Speaker 1: want something new, something
different? Like, it's up to you. [laughs] I want

454
00:28:39,984 --> 00:28:40,884
Speaker 1: something new and different.

455
00:28:42,623 --> 00:28:42,984
Speaker 1: And

456
00:28:44,563 --> 00:28:50,164
Speaker 1: I'll say one more thing, and I'll,
I'll pause there. I had gotten some guidance
late

457
00:28:50,204 --> 00:28:54,624
Speaker 1: in the year before, like December, so
like a month or two before this,

458
00:28:56,364 --> 00:29:02,164
Speaker 1: when I was in meditation, to wake up
and remember, like,

459
00:29:02,264 --> 00:29:06,404
Speaker 1: it's time. Like, very certainly, like
coming down from, like, above, this, like,

460
00:29:06,484 --> 00:29:10,724
Speaker 1: this pressure. It was like, "This is
a very important message for you. You need to

461
00:29:10,784 --> 00:29:16,364
Speaker 1: wake up and remember. It's time to do
that now." And I had been receiving the word

462
00:29:16,864 --> 00:29:22,044
Speaker 1: see over and over and over again in
liminal experiences and dreams

463
00:29:23,724 --> 00:29:24,204
Speaker 1: all the time.

464
00:29:26,204 --> 00:29:30,084
Speaker 1: And that those three words, and
another one which we'll get to later if it ever

465
00:29:30,124 --> 00:29:35,504
Speaker 1: becomes relevant, which I'm focused
on now, getting those over and over again like a

466
00:29:35,564 --> 00:29:39,844
Speaker 1: mantra. Like, this is your task.
Listen, you want this. Like, you wanna know
where

467
00:29:39,864 --> 00:29:44,504
Speaker 1: this is going? You wanna know?
[laughs] Like, here it is. Here's your task.
Like

468
00:29:44,524 --> 00:29:48,424
Speaker 1: you're handing, like, the portfolio.
Here's your buzzwords. You need to see. You

469
00:29:48,444 --> 00:29:53,764
Speaker 1: need to wake up. You need to
remember. The, um, just, like, this incredible

470
00:29:53,824 --> 00:29:57,964
Speaker 1: importance, like this weight behind
this, like a, a mantra that I would come to

471
00:29:57,984 --> 00:30:01,824
Speaker 1: repeat over and over again, and this
would become, like, the quest, right? Here's

472
00:30:01,844 --> 00:30:06,244
Speaker 1: your quest, man. I mean, not the
ultimate quest, but, like, here's... You wanna
see

473
00:30:06,264 --> 00:30:10,924
Speaker 1: where this goes? Like, take this, and
take, and see where it goes. Here's your task.

474
00:30:15,304 --> 00:30:15,464
Speaker 2: Hmm.

475
00:30:18,744 --> 00:30:20,044
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a lot. Um,

476
00:30:21,724 --> 00:30:23,764
Speaker 2: I resonate with the, um,

477
00:30:25,444 --> 00:30:31,216
Speaker 2: cycling through periods of elation
and Uh, what feels like growth

478
00:30:31,336 --> 00:30:37,136
Speaker 2: and expansion, and then coming back
into how you describe more depressive states,

479
00:30:37,376 --> 00:30:39,756
Speaker 2: more periods like that. Um,

480
00:30:41,516 --> 00:30:44,936
Speaker 2: I like to think, from my own personal
experience, I like to think of those periods

481
00:30:44,996 --> 00:30:50,016
Speaker 2: differently. Like, I don't, I don't
think I could ev- could be potent- like, um,

482
00:30:51,296 --> 00:30:56,336
Speaker 2: I don't think it would be healthy for
me to be forever in the expansive state, you

483
00:30:56,396 --> 00:30:59,136
Speaker 2: know? I need to cycle back into... I,
I, I think the word depress-

484
00:30:59,156 --> 00:30:59,416
Speaker 1: Yeah, cancer

485
00:30:59,416 --> 00:31:04,276
Speaker 2: ... depression, personally, is, like,
negative. It's actually like, um... I like to

486
00:31:04,316 --> 00:31:09,056
Speaker 2: think of the yin and yang principles.
So, like, the, you know, maybe the periods

487
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:11,096
Speaker 2: where, like, you're making, you know,

488
00:31:12,616 --> 00:31:17,156
Speaker 2: contact experiences and going deeper
in meditation or, um... That also, for me,

489
00:31:17,236 --> 00:31:22,436
Speaker 2: parallels, um, productive periods in
my work, and focus and clarity a lot of times.

490
00:31:23,036 --> 00:31:27,656
Speaker 2: You know, there's, like, yang, um,
more, like, extroverted energy and then, you

491
00:31:27,676 --> 00:31:33,176
Speaker 2: know, that energy always, uh,
exhausts itself and has to shift back into the
more

492
00:31:33,216 --> 00:31:38,536
Speaker 2: restful period, you know? But when
you've been experiencing this, like, these highs

493
00:31:38,576 --> 00:31:42,996
Speaker 2: and these elated states and, uh,
excitement, you know, it's like, [chuckles] I
just

494
00:31:43,036 --> 00:31:46,276
Speaker 2: wanna hold onto that, you know? I
think the tension comes when you're, like,

495
00:31:46,656 --> 00:31:51,116
Speaker 2: grasping, you know? Or at least for
me. Uh, that you wanna keep in one state over

496
00:31:51,176 --> 00:31:57,076
Speaker 2: another. The shifting is always
difficult. Um, but yeah, it was cool to see--
cool

497
00:31:57,116 --> 00:32:02,696
Speaker 2: to hear in your story how you're
shifting from one to the other and, um, yeah,

498
00:32:02,856 --> 00:32:07,896
Speaker 2: getting the, [chuckles] like, the,
the red pill, blue pill. It's also like this,
you

499
00:32:07,936 --> 00:32:11,436
Speaker 2: know, we've talked about integration.
How do you integrate these big experiences

500
00:32:11,476 --> 00:32:16,776
Speaker 2: into real life, you know? How do you
begin to weave it more into, you know, when

501
00:32:16,816 --> 00:32:20,476
Speaker 2: you're at work? Or, uh, how does your
work shift, you know? How do your

502
00:32:20,496 --> 00:32:23,616
Speaker 2: relationships shift once you have had
these kinds of experiences?

503
00:32:25,856 --> 00:32:27,336
Speaker 1: So up until this point, like,

504
00:32:29,176 --> 00:32:32,956
Speaker 1: I'd kind of forgotten about these,
like, mantras, like, sort of quest lines. Like,

505
00:32:33,036 --> 00:32:38,576
Speaker 1: these just, like, pointers to, like,
where to go next. I sort of sto- I stopped

506
00:32:38,596 --> 00:32:42,576
Speaker 1: having an internal locus of control.
Like, I expected, like, to be given the next

507
00:32:42,596 --> 00:32:46,336
Speaker 1: steps. And that don't, that, that
don't work. I'm gonna let y'all know right now,

508
00:32:46,416 --> 00:32:51,036
Speaker 1: you decide to embark on this path,
you start expecting somebody else, anybody else,

509
00:32:51,116 --> 00:32:55,936
Speaker 1: to tell you what to do. Yoink. It's
quiet. You're gonna get nothing.

510
00:32:55,996 --> 00:33:00,716
Speaker 1: [chuckles] Uh-uh. That's not how this
works. You have to be- you have to decide who

511
00:33:00,756 --> 00:33:04,616
Speaker 1: you wanna be at every step. This is,
this is a you thing. You're gonna be helped

512
00:33:04,676 --> 00:33:10,556
Speaker 1: along to figure out who you are and
learn more about the world and reality and, you

513
00:33:10,596 --> 00:33:15,316
Speaker 1: know, yourself beyond this life. All
these things. But it's gonna be you who's doing

514
00:33:15,376 --> 00:33:20,896
Speaker 1: it. If at any point in time you start
to become entitled, or you just begin to

515
00:33:20,936 --> 00:33:24,816
Speaker 1: display learned helplessness, or
you're just expecting handouts or somebody else
to,

516
00:33:25,516 --> 00:33:31,016
Speaker 1: to guide you, no. Any good teacher is
gonna be like, "Stepping into the background.

517
00:33:31,136 --> 00:33:36,616
Speaker 1: I'm gone now." Now you struggle until
you f- remember, "Ah, crap.

518
00:33:37,336 --> 00:33:38,676
Speaker 1: I can do this." Like, I-

519
00:33:38,676 --> 00:33:38,776
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm

520
00:33:38,776 --> 00:33:43,136
Speaker 1: ... gotta dig down deep and remember
like, "You know, I got this far," I'm gonna say

521
00:33:43,176 --> 00:33:47,476
Speaker 1: entirely on my own, "but I made this
happen. Like, I can do it again." So there's

522
00:33:47,556 --> 00:33:53,376
Speaker 1: that. But then there's also trying to
actually apply what I'd learned. Like,

523
00:33:53,716 --> 00:33:59,636
Speaker 1: trying to see the world as, like, me.
Like, I remembered what it felt like, even

524
00:33:59,656 --> 00:34:03,336
Speaker 1: though I was just, like, put into,
like, this simulated state. Like, I remembered

525
00:34:03,356 --> 00:34:07,396
Speaker 1: what it felt like. So I'm trying to
recapture that feeling. Like, I know it's true,

526
00:34:07,476 --> 00:34:12,136
Speaker 1: but it's a conceptual thing. I know
that I am, like, my whole reality. I remembered

527
00:34:12,156 --> 00:34:12,996
Speaker 1: what it felt like.

528
00:34:14,716 --> 00:34:18,096
Speaker 1: But I don't feel like that right now.
I feel like a guy sitting in an office chair

529
00:34:18,156 --> 00:34:19,716
Speaker 1: in an empty office. [chuckles]

530
00:34:19,756 --> 00:34:19,816
Speaker 2: [chuckles]

531
00:34:19,876 --> 00:34:24,456
Speaker 1: I have to drive an hour and a half
home now in a, in a little bit here. [chuckles]

532
00:34:24,516 --> 00:34:28,216
Speaker 1: Like, that's what I felt like. So I'm
trying to put these together, while at the

533
00:34:28,256 --> 00:34:34,216
Speaker 1: same time, you know, I, I'm a dad.
Like, I... My kids are acting up or they're

534
00:34:34,276 --> 00:34:38,016
Speaker 1: fine or whatever. Like, uh, there's
regular stresses. And, like, it keeps taking

535
00:34:38,116 --> 00:34:42,076
Speaker 1: over and intruding. So it's just,
like, this constant fight to, like, keep this

536
00:34:42,156 --> 00:34:47,295
Speaker 1: real. Like, to recapture this, like,
feeling. Like, it's so quiet and so easy to

537
00:34:47,355 --> 00:34:52,656
Speaker 1: push into the background of human
life. Um, but I, I don't want it to be that way.
I

538
00:34:52,676 --> 00:34:56,976
Speaker 1: want it at the foreground. I want to
change. Like, I want to see the world for what

539
00:34:56,996 --> 00:35:00,056
Speaker 1: it really is. I want more awareness.
I want more control. I wanna know who I am.

540
00:35:00,056 --> 00:35:04,076
Speaker 1: [chuckles] What the hell does this
mean? What do you want me to see? What am I

541
00:35:04,096 --> 00:35:04,696
Speaker 1: waking up from?

542
00:35:05,416 --> 00:35:05,436
Speaker 2: Mm.

543
00:35:05,456 --> 00:35:10,536
Speaker 1: It's maddening. Like, I know there's
more, but, like, I'm... I feel the gravity of,

544
00:35:10,576 --> 00:35:15,096
Speaker 1: like, culture and regular, like,
human life and corporate America and suburbs
and,

545
00:35:15,136 --> 00:35:19,196
Speaker 1: like, busyness just, like, pulling me
in over and over again. It's like I'm trying

546
00:35:19,216 --> 00:35:20,956
Speaker 1: to climb up a muddy slope over and
over-

547
00:35:20,996 --> 00:35:21,116
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm

548
00:35:21,116 --> 00:35:25,216
Speaker 1: ... just being pulled back down. And
I know it too, and I get a bad attitude, and I

549
00:35:25,256 --> 00:35:30,036
Speaker 1: get emotional. I don't, I don't wanna
do it. So I'm fighting all these forces. At

550
00:35:30,076 --> 00:35:34,056
Speaker 1: the same time, it's like I'm also,
like, keeping my meditation habit. But I'm

551
00:35:34,076 --> 00:35:37,836
Speaker 1: getting more and more serious about
it. Doing more, well more than my hour sit for

552
00:35:37,876 --> 00:35:41,956
Speaker 1: now. Like, I... Now I'm, like,
starting to push two hours sometimes. Like, I'm

553
00:35:42,476 --> 00:35:47,676
Speaker 1: serious. And I keep focusing on this
mantra and setting the intention. I want these

554
00:35:47,716 --> 00:35:51,256
Speaker 1: things, whatever they are. I'm trying
to open to this, and I'm playing all these

555
00:35:51,296 --> 00:35:54,556
Speaker 1: mini-games that you know about from,
like, um, the Techniques of Transcendence

556
00:35:54,596 --> 00:35:58,856
Speaker 1: course that we did. Trying to not
judge myself. I'm trying to grow as a person.
I'm

557
00:35:58,916 --> 00:36:03,376
Speaker 1: trying not to get-- let go of shame.
I'm doing all these other things. Like, I'm

558
00:36:03,456 --> 00:36:08,776
Speaker 1: trying to have even reactions to
stuff. I'm... So I'm doing all these things at
the

559
00:36:08,836 --> 00:36:11,556
Speaker 1: same time. It's not any one thing,
but I'm [chuckles] throwing the kitchen sink at

560
00:36:11,596 --> 00:36:12,276
Speaker 1: this because, like,

561
00:36:13,976 --> 00:36:17,776
Speaker 1: put the pedal to the metal here, man.
Like, I want whatever it is I'm trying to be

562
00:36:17,836 --> 00:36:23,256
Speaker 1: shown, and I'm, I'm fighting for it.
And it feels like a fight. It's whiplash, up

563
00:36:23,276 --> 00:36:28,576
Speaker 1: and down. And this is, like, over the
span of, like, the next month or so. Um, so

564
00:36:28,616 --> 00:36:29,536
Speaker 1: that's what it feels like.

565
00:36:32,152 --> 00:36:36,512
Speaker 1: Every morning, I want to wake up. I
want to remember. What are you trying to show

566
00:36:36,552 --> 00:36:41,112
Speaker 1: me? What am I trying to see? I sit
down and I meditate. I try to remember constant-

567
00:36:41,152 --> 00:36:44,412
Speaker 1: I'm constantly trying to draw myself
back into this, and there's this-- I begin to

568
00:36:44,472 --> 00:36:45,072
Speaker 1: notice that

569
00:36:46,832 --> 00:36:50,092
Speaker 1: meditation gets me to these higher
states where I feel certain that, yeah, I'm on

570
00:36:50,112 --> 00:36:53,712
Speaker 1: the right path. This is working, or
I'm starting to get insights. But then

571
00:36:55,692 --> 00:36:59,352
Speaker 1: outside of that, in maybe like
liminal states, like I get pulled back into the
slog

572
00:36:59,392 --> 00:37:02,472
Speaker 1: during the day. I'm getting pulled
down the muddy slope, and I'm just like, I
forget

573
00:37:02,532 --> 00:37:08,052
Speaker 1: about it. I, you know, I'm getting
drawn into whatever I'm doing. Um, I get upset.

574
00:37:08,152 --> 00:37:11,972
Speaker 1: You know, regular human life. I'm
just regular Steven, and all of this goes away.
I

575
00:37:11,992 --> 00:37:16,512
Speaker 1: don't think about it again. It's
like, there's so much whiplash, and I realize
the

576
00:37:16,532 --> 00:37:20,272
Speaker 1: importance of needing to like
integrate this into my life. Like I need-

577
00:37:20,472 --> 00:37:20,473
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm

578
00:37:20,472 --> 00:37:23,292
Speaker 1: ... to live as if it was, this were
true all the time.

579
00:37:23,852 --> 00:37:24,092
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

580
00:37:24,212 --> 00:37:29,092
Speaker 1: Like, I can't-- If I really want this
to change, like if I really want to live a new

581
00:37:29,132 --> 00:37:35,072
Speaker 1: life and like see the reality as, as
it is or unveil it, it's gotta be at

582
00:37:35,112 --> 00:37:38,992
Speaker 1: the center, right? I'm still gonna be
Steven and live my life and do my job and

583
00:37:39,372 --> 00:37:43,732
Speaker 1: write my book and all the other
stuff, right? Be a dad. But this has to be like
at

584
00:37:43,772 --> 00:37:48,392
Speaker 1: the center. So I start to put it at
the center, and I take it very seriously. It's,

585
00:37:48,752 --> 00:37:53,052
Speaker 1: seems like such a subtle thing to be
like, "Oh, this is a thing I do in meditation,"

586
00:37:53,112 --> 00:37:57,632
Speaker 1: or maybe I, I set an intention before
I go to bed, or when I f- I notice, right?

587
00:37:58,392 --> 00:38:03,112
Speaker 1: Throughout the day. But now it's like
trying to invert it, trying to be like that

588
00:38:03,152 --> 00:38:07,592
Speaker 1: all the time, and I, I'm trying to
catch when I'm acting like I don't actually

589
00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:11,952
Speaker 1: believe I am my whole reality or
these amazing things are happening. There's a
life

590
00:38:11,992 --> 00:38:13,712
Speaker 1: beyond death. We could technically-

591
00:38:13,732 --> 00:38:13,733
Speaker 2: Hmm

592
00:38:13,732 --> 00:38:16,352
Speaker 1: ... do anything. All these things,
right? I'm trying to

593
00:38:18,612 --> 00:38:22,912
Speaker 1: sear those beliefs in so deep that
like that is my default state. And the other way

594
00:38:22,972 --> 00:38:27,852
Speaker 1: around, yeah, I'm technically typing
on a keyboard right now to write some corporate

595
00:38:27,892 --> 00:38:31,232
Speaker 1: software. Like, that's just the thing
I'm doing right now, and we can all, we can

596
00:38:31,272 --> 00:38:33,972
Speaker 1: all laugh about it, but like I still
have to do it, but still-

597
00:38:34,372 --> 00:38:34,552
Speaker 2: Hmm

598
00:38:34,592 --> 00:38:40,372
Speaker 1: ... it's not who I am. And I'm trying
to do that. See, wake up, remember,

599
00:38:40,492 --> 00:38:43,552
Speaker 1: over and over and over again. I'm
setting the intention. With a lot-- I'm sort of

600
00:38:43,612 --> 00:38:49,212
Speaker 1: glossing over how, [chuckles] how
desperate I feel at times. I want this so

601
00:38:49,272 --> 00:38:55,052
Speaker 1: badly. And boy, do I ever start to
see, wake up, and

602
00:38:55,092 --> 00:39:00,712
Speaker 1: remember. [chuckles] It starts to
happen. Um, so I'll pause there, see if you have

603
00:39:00,752 --> 00:39:05,832
Speaker 1: anything you wanna ask before I, I
tell you. But that was a long time to go without

604
00:39:05,892 --> 00:39:10,092
Speaker 1: validation. Doesn't seem that long.
What was this, two months maybe? You know, I

605
00:39:10,152 --> 00:39:15,512
Speaker 1: start to have some contact and like,
again, like offhand experiences again.

606
00:39:16,192 --> 00:39:21,292
Speaker 1: But they're not like what I
experienced in the Reality 101 thing. This is,
"Whoa,

607
00:39:21,332 --> 00:39:25,792
Speaker 1: this is happening. I am learning a
lot, and this is... I'm in another place. This
is

608
00:39:25,852 --> 00:39:31,352
Speaker 1: more real than where I was." That's
not happening anymore, right? So it's been about

609
00:39:31,412 --> 00:39:35,292
Speaker 1: a two-month span before things like
that start to trickle back into my life, which

610
00:39:35,332 --> 00:39:39,912
Speaker 1: is a [chuckles] really long-- It's 60
days. That's a long time to go. [chuckles]

611
00:39:39,972 --> 00:39:43,512
Speaker 1: Doesn't seem like it, but I felt
every one of those days.

612
00:39:44,352 --> 00:39:44,572
Speaker 2: Hmm.

613
00:39:48,872 --> 00:39:49,692
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like the,

614
00:39:51,852 --> 00:39:54,332
Speaker 2: um, idea of mini-games- [chuckles]

615
00:39:54,372 --> 00:39:54,592
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm

616
00:39:54,592 --> 00:39:59,632
Speaker 2: ... you mentioned. Um, and I like
your framing of it of like, oh, I'm working on

617
00:39:59,672 --> 00:40:05,592
Speaker 2: myself as like different mini-games
or side quests. Um, I also, uh, in,

618
00:40:05,972 --> 00:40:09,912
Speaker 2: you know, engaging with a lot of this
material and having, you know, liminal state

619
00:40:09,952 --> 00:40:15,192
Speaker 2: experiences myself and coming into
more and more of this, um, perception that, you

620
00:40:15,232 --> 00:40:18,232
Speaker 2: know, consciousness is fundamental.
Um,

621
00:40:20,232 --> 00:40:26,012
Speaker 2: who I really am precedes this
physical form and, uh, won't finish,

622
00:40:26,092 --> 00:40:31,672
Speaker 2: won't stop when it ends. Um,
out-of-body experiences, all these things, it's
like

623
00:40:31,712 --> 00:40:35,552
Speaker 2: these are little data points that I'm
gathering, and then talking to people like you

624
00:40:35,592 --> 00:40:39,572
Speaker 2: and hearing your experiences and
other people who have had mind-bending
experiences.

625
00:40:39,892 --> 00:40:43,732
Speaker 2: We have a friend, Kate, who's just
[chuckles] had quite an incredible... We should

626
00:40:43,772 --> 00:40:45,372
Speaker 2: have her on at some time to tell her
story.

627
00:40:45,792 --> 00:40:46,012
Speaker 1: Yeah.

628
00:40:46,052 --> 00:40:50,792
Speaker 2: Quite an incredible experience. That
just points to the fact that like, wow, this,

629
00:40:51,072 --> 00:40:55,992
Speaker 2: you know, the idea that this is a
simulation, it really feels that way. Um, or it

630
00:40:56,332 --> 00:41:00,052
Speaker 2: seems that way. Like the data adding
up seems that way. So more and more I'm

631
00:41:00,092 --> 00:41:04,812
Speaker 2: starting, trying to kind of live into
that perception on a day-to-day basis and be

632
00:41:04,852 --> 00:41:09,032
Speaker 2: like, all the little things that
would have annoyed me are like, okay, if I was
in a

633
00:41:09,072 --> 00:41:09,692
Speaker 2: video game-

634
00:41:10,232 --> 00:41:10,352
Speaker 1: Hmm

635
00:41:10,352 --> 00:41:16,272
Speaker 2: ... if I was in a MMORPG, massively
mult- massive multiplayer online video

636
00:41:16,332 --> 00:41:18,452
Speaker 2: game, role-playing game. I used to
play World of Warcraft-

637
00:41:18,752 --> 00:41:18,852
Speaker 1: Yeah

638
00:41:18,852 --> 00:41:22,312
Speaker 2: ... and other games like that. So,
uh, I can resonate with that. I've played a lot

639
00:41:22,352 --> 00:41:27,172
Speaker 2: of video games in my life. If this
was happening in a video game version, if I was

640
00:41:27,192 --> 00:41:31,712
Speaker 2: in a video game now and this thing
happened, this would be like a little fun side

641
00:41:31,752 --> 00:41:37,212
Speaker 2: quest or mini-game. Like, you know,
the kids arguing and one of them spills Cheerios

642
00:41:37,272 --> 00:41:40,732
Speaker 2: all over the floor. Ooh, now it's a
mini-game to pick up all the Cheerios and put

643
00:41:40,772 --> 00:41:45,372
Speaker 2: them back. [chuckles] And just like
trying to reframe my life and all of my

644
00:41:45,412 --> 00:41:50,572
Speaker 2: experiences that, from that
perception has really shifted things for me. Um,
it just

645
00:41:50,612 --> 00:41:54,532
Speaker 2: brings more levity. It's like this is
all just like an experience. This is all kind

646
00:41:54,572 --> 00:41:58,492
Speaker 2: of like the point. It's fun, you
know? It's meant to be fun and engaging and a

647
00:41:58,552 --> 00:42:04,392
Speaker 2: challenge. Um, and then another, uh,
thing I've been

648
00:42:04,472 --> 00:42:08,212
Speaker 2: trying to sort of like live into that
more, this has also come through our

649
00:42:08,252 --> 00:42:14,012
Speaker 2: conversations, is to think of this
body as a

650
00:42:14,072 --> 00:42:17,812
Speaker 2: vehicle. Kinda like I'm sitting in
this car. You know? [chuckles] I'm like, "This
is

651
00:42:17,852 --> 00:42:23,332
Speaker 2: my flesh suit. This is my..."
[chuckles] I don't know if anyone's seen the,
the show

652
00:42:23,392 --> 00:42:28,572
Speaker 2: E- Evangelion. There's like these...
They're like, it's like a, like giant robots

653
00:42:28,632 --> 00:42:33,832
Speaker 2: that people pilot, but the robots are
actually like living giant robot, like robotic

654
00:42:33,892 --> 00:42:39,092
Speaker 2: flesh robots or something. I don't
know. But it's wild and really weird. Um- And I,

655
00:42:39,232 --> 00:42:42,092
Speaker 2: it was formative for me watching that
show, so I'm like, "This is-- I'm kinda like

656
00:42:42,152 --> 00:42:46,372
Speaker 2: in a, an Evangelion suit right now,"
[chuckles] 'cause I'm navigating my mundane

657
00:42:46,412 --> 00:42:50,372
Speaker 2: reality. And then you go, and you
have these liminal state experiences, and then

658
00:42:50,432 --> 00:42:52,232
Speaker 2: they confirm, yeah, um,

659
00:42:53,752 --> 00:42:57,832
Speaker 2: this reality isn't base reality.
[chuckles]

660
00:42:57,892 --> 00:42:58,492
Speaker 1: It is not.

661
00:42:59,432 --> 00:42:59,552
Speaker 2: Yeah.

662
00:43:00,032 --> 00:43:03,792
Speaker 1: So those little things that you're
doing continuously, they're not just, like, a
fun

663
00:43:03,872 --> 00:43:07,532
Speaker 1: anecdote. Like, that is what opens
you up to have these big breakthrough

664
00:43:07,552 --> 00:43:12,772
Speaker 1: experiences. Doesn't seem like it.
It's, it was maddening for so long. I can say

665
00:43:12,812 --> 00:43:15,912
Speaker 1: that now, but at this point in time
where we're talking in the story, like, I still

666
00:43:15,972 --> 00:43:21,912
Speaker 1: had not, like... I didn't truly
believe, like, at a low level. Like, it hadn't
sunk

667
00:43:21,972 --> 00:43:22,912
Speaker 1: all the way in that

668
00:43:24,532 --> 00:43:29,992
Speaker 1: I made this happen. Like, uh, well, I
o-opened it up enough for it to happen, right?

669
00:43:30,172 --> 00:43:33,252
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna pretend I did it all
alone. But the things you just described,

670
00:43:33,932 --> 00:43:38,572
Speaker 1: recontextualizing how you see life,
you know, working on yourself, personal

671
00:43:38,612 --> 00:43:42,832
Speaker 1: development, like, changing your
perspective on what is really happening, is what

672
00:43:42,931 --> 00:43:48,332
Speaker 1: opens up the possibility for these
breakthrough moments which give you more
insight,

673
00:43:48,372 --> 00:43:53,932
Speaker 1: and awareness, and control, and
validation to do it again. Like, that's how it

674
00:43:53,952 --> 00:43:59,312
Speaker 1: becomes exponential. But it always
starts so small. It always starts so small.

675
00:43:59,932 --> 00:44:04,432
Speaker 1: Um, I've got a quote in one of these
journals, again from mother. It's like, in

676
00:44:04,472 --> 00:44:09,292
Speaker 1: meditation, it's like, I don't get a
lot of verbal communication from her

677
00:44:09,392 --> 00:44:15,072
Speaker 1: specifically. Hands off. [chuckles]
This is your life. [chuckles] You do it.

678
00:44:15,552 --> 00:44:20,032
Speaker 1: But sometimes, and this one time I
did, and I'll look up the quote for another

679
00:44:20,092 --> 00:44:25,932
Speaker 1: episode, uh, when we talk more about
this topic. But she was saying, "Just keep

680
00:44:25,972 --> 00:44:30,352
Speaker 1: going." Like, almost like, you know,
like your child is distraught. Like, [chuckles]

681
00:44:30,352 --> 00:44:35,972
Speaker 1: "Sorry you're struggling," but it
always feels like imagination. It always starts
in

682
00:44:36,032 --> 00:44:40,692
Speaker 1: imagination. That's how it starts.
Like, you have to believe it first, and it
starts

683
00:44:40,772 --> 00:44:46,592
Speaker 1: so small, but you just have to, like,
let it grow. Like, I know it starts feeling

684
00:44:46,672 --> 00:44:50,572
Speaker 1: im-imaginary, but that's how it
always happens. Like, you have to, like, let
that

685
00:44:50,612 --> 00:44:54,832
Speaker 1: happen in order to get to a point
where it's not just imaginary. It's happening in

686
00:44:54,852 --> 00:44:59,132
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, too. But
you'll, basically, you're never gonna get there
if

687
00:44:59,152 --> 00:45:03,612
Speaker 1: you keep stomping on it. You're gonna
stay where you are. And so it's this,

688
00:45:05,112 --> 00:45:09,772
Speaker 1: these little games that we play to
open ourselves up. Constantly meditating, saying

689
00:45:09,812 --> 00:45:12,392
Speaker 1: these mantras over and over again.
That's great, but if you can work it into the

690
00:45:12,432 --> 00:45:16,912
Speaker 1: rest of your life, that is what,
like, shifts how you see things. It doesn't

691
00:45:18,032 --> 00:45:21,852
Speaker 1: immediately show up in your life.
Like, your life gets better. Personal
development

692
00:45:21,892 --> 00:45:27,332
Speaker 1: is great, and you get those benefits,
but it is doing something unseen. It is

693
00:45:27,452 --> 00:45:31,712
Speaker 1: opening up some aperture and
potential that you can't see.

694
00:45:31,852 --> 00:45:31,853
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

695
00:45:31,872 --> 00:45:32,912
Speaker 1: And it takes a while.

696
00:45:34,492 --> 00:45:38,892
Speaker 1: So I start to get some breakthrough
experiences. I wanna remember, [chuckles] and I

697
00:45:38,952 --> 00:45:44,792
Speaker 1: wanna wake up. And I start to. So I
start to go through experiences

698
00:45:44,832 --> 00:45:50,072
Speaker 1: where I wake up in profound states,
and I realize that there is, like,

699
00:45:50,652 --> 00:45:55,692
Speaker 1: more to me specifically. Uh, to give
you a short example, I'd had previews of these

700
00:45:55,732 --> 00:45:59,532
Speaker 1: experiences before. In earlier, in
one of my depressive states in, like, January,

701
00:45:59,892 --> 00:46:02,432
Speaker 1: 'cause we're now in late February in
the timeline,

702
00:46:04,172 --> 00:46:07,872
Speaker 1: you know, just sort of beating myself
up. I don't know what I was saying. Eh, I'm

703
00:46:07,912 --> 00:46:11,572
Speaker 1: never gonna do this. This sucks. I
don't know. [chuckles] Whatever, right? And I'd

704
00:46:11,592 --> 00:46:14,272
Speaker 1: been doing it for a little while. It
was supposed to be a meditation, ended up just

705
00:46:14,312 --> 00:46:17,792
Speaker 1: being a wine fest. About halfway
through one of my thoughts,

706
00:46:19,672 --> 00:46:25,432
Speaker 1: I hear my own voice. Like, hear it.
[chuckles] You haven't lived until you hear,

707
00:46:25,492 --> 00:46:31,072
Speaker 1: heard yourself talk to you. And,
like, ball up my thought, like the one I was
abo-

708
00:46:31,152 --> 00:46:35,232
Speaker 1: trying to think, like crumble up a
piece of paper, and throw it away. Like, the

709
00:46:35,272 --> 00:46:39,532
Speaker 1: thought is gone. Like, I'm trying to
form it, and it's, "Look, uh, I can't." It's

710
00:46:39,592 --> 00:46:45,152
Speaker 1: just gone. And they tell me, "You are
not useless. [chuckles] Stop it." [chuckles]

711
00:46:45,172 --> 00:46:48,652
Speaker 1: I'm like, "But it's my own voice."
And, like, there's no response after that. I'm

712
00:46:48,672 --> 00:46:53,312
Speaker 1: like, "What the hell?" [chuckles] So
a lot of people talked about having a higher

713
00:46:53,392 --> 00:46:57,492
Speaker 1: self and, like, you know there's more
of you outside of this place, right? It

714
00:46:57,532 --> 00:47:00,272
Speaker 1: doesn't all fit in your human
existence. You can call it heaven, you can call
it the

715
00:47:00,352 --> 00:47:03,312
Speaker 1: afterlife, you can call it other
dimensions. I don't care. Call it outside the

716
00:47:03,352 --> 00:47:07,492
Speaker 1: simulation. Whatever your worldview
is, there's more of you than you are aware of

717
00:47:07,532 --> 00:47:10,932
Speaker 1: here, right? And it's doing stuff.
For some of us, I, I think it's asleep.

718
00:47:13,632 --> 00:47:18,872
Speaker 1: One day in February, late February, I
wake up as this higher self, like, completely

719
00:47:18,932 --> 00:47:24,712
Speaker 1: embodied in my l- current existence.
That day is far too profound and weird to

720
00:47:24,752 --> 00:47:29,312
Speaker 1: describe here. You're familiar with
the experience, I think. It's on my blog. That

721
00:47:29,372 --> 00:47:33,712
Speaker 1: is the dancing starlight dude in
jeans experience. I'm not going to go into it in

722
00:47:33,752 --> 00:47:37,772
Speaker 1: detail here, only that I'd received
validation, oh, there is definitely more of me,

723
00:47:37,832 --> 00:47:42,972
Speaker 1: and I, [chuckles] I am him right now
in my life. I didn't have his memories, but I'm

724
00:47:43,012 --> 00:47:48,392
Speaker 1: like, "Whoa. Okay. This is weird."
And then a few days later,

725
00:47:49,612 --> 00:47:55,132
Speaker 1: I have another experience where I
feel like I am, like, a field of

726
00:47:55,192 --> 00:47:59,832
Speaker 1: awareness from a single point. I, I
don't have any of, like, my memories. I wake up

727
00:47:59,912 --> 00:48:05,812
Speaker 1: just like, "Whoa." [chuckles] And I
am completely unattached from my life. It's, uh,

728
00:48:05,872 --> 00:48:09,592
Speaker 1: like I'm being shown another
perspective of self. Like, I am, like, the field
of

729
00:48:09,632 --> 00:48:12,532
Speaker 1: consciousness from the point of
Steven. I'm no longer Steven. It's almost, like,

730
00:48:12,652 --> 00:48:17,752
Speaker 1: outside my own soul. It's very weird.
It's a strange experience. I think, uh, it's,

731
00:48:18,232 --> 00:48:21,592
Speaker 1: these are, like, Atman and Brahman
experiences, because I get a, a follow-up

732
00:48:21,652 --> 00:48:26,512
Speaker 1: experience right after that where I
am, like, this ray of light. This is after I

733
00:48:26,552 --> 00:48:31,432
Speaker 1: wake up. I've, I'm feeling these
things. Like, these are happening to me. I'm a
ray

734
00:48:31,472 --> 00:48:35,432
Speaker 1: of light that's, like, being shined
through a bunch of, like, fractal prisms, and

735
00:48:35,492 --> 00:48:38,932
Speaker 1: every time it goes through the prism
is like, this is, like, a conscious entity.

736
00:48:38,992 --> 00:48:43,312
Speaker 1: It's like a part of myself, and that
at the end of the line where the light is

737
00:48:43,332 --> 00:48:48,192
Speaker 1: shining, hitting, it's like- Where I
am now. Like, but it's already gone through all

738
00:48:48,232 --> 00:48:53,112
Speaker 1: these other changes, and like, but
I'm like all the light as well. So if you take

739
00:48:53,152 --> 00:48:57,152
Speaker 1: the first experience, that's like me
completely unfiltered, and then you shine it

740
00:48:57,172 --> 00:49:02,932
Speaker 1: through all these [chuckles] lenses,
and then you get me where I am here. Really

741
00:49:02,992 --> 00:49:07,032
Speaker 1: weird, really weird experiences, but
they all feel like me. At no point in time do

742
00:49:07,052 --> 00:49:12,192
Speaker 1: they feel like someone else. And I
feel like I'm being shown, like, different

743
00:49:12,252 --> 00:49:17,132
Speaker 1: perspectives of like these are all
true. Like, you're definitely not just this guy

744
00:49:17,172 --> 00:49:21,372
Speaker 1: in this body. That is happening. But
also check this out, and check this out,

745
00:49:21,452 --> 00:49:22,132
Speaker 1: [chuckles] and check this out.

746
00:49:22,172 --> 00:49:22,752
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.

747
00:49:22,812 --> 00:49:25,212
Speaker 1: These are also true, and they all
felt like me.

748
00:49:27,272 --> 00:49:31,852
Speaker 1: And so these keep me motivated, and I
know that stuff is happening.

749
00:49:33,492 --> 00:49:37,212
Speaker 1: But it's not easy. I still become
depressive. After each of these experiences,
it's

750
00:49:37,252 --> 00:49:42,272
Speaker 1: like [chuckles] you know, there's a
comedown. I can't repeat it, or I can't do it on

751
00:49:42,332 --> 00:49:44,932
Speaker 1: purpose. So many of these things are
just happening to me, and it's very

752
00:49:44,972 --> 00:49:48,272
Speaker 1: frustrating. I'm getting insights,
and lots of incredible things are happening,

753
00:49:48,332 --> 00:49:53,132
Speaker 1: which we'll cover in many other
episodes. But I never lose the plot of this,
like,

754
00:49:53,292 --> 00:49:58,712
Speaker 1: main thread. I want reality 102. I
wanna know what the heck is going on here. I

755
00:49:58,752 --> 00:50:02,432
Speaker 1: wanna know who I really am. What's
going on? What do you mean see? What am I

756
00:50:02,472 --> 00:50:06,992
Speaker 1: supposed to see? What am I waking up
from? Who am I? What am I remembering?

757
00:50:06,992 --> 00:50:12,432
Speaker 1: [chuckles] I never lose this plot, so
I'm starting to get, like, little pieces. They

758
00:50:12,452 --> 00:50:16,772
Speaker 1: don't fit together. There's no
cohesiveness. There's no connection between all
these

759
00:50:16,832 --> 00:50:20,592
Speaker 1: experiences. But I mention these only
because I'm getting results now. But they're

760
00:50:20,612 --> 00:50:24,892
Speaker 1: like piecemeal, like a dart. There's
no pattern. I can't find a, a narrative through

761
00:50:24,912 --> 00:50:28,812
Speaker 1: it all to make sense of it. I don't
understand what it means. So I'll pause there

762
00:50:29,872 --> 00:50:33,772
Speaker 1: before we get to, you know, at least
a partial reveal.

763
00:50:33,772 --> 00:50:36,592
Speaker 1: [chuckles] 'Cause it works.

764
00:50:46,152 --> 00:50:46,512
Speaker 2: Hmm.

765
00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:53,592
Speaker 2: Hmm. Yeah, I'm wondering if all of
these different,

766
00:50:55,211 --> 00:51:00,752
Speaker 2: uh, experiences are continuously,
like, having their own experience. Are they
aware

767
00:51:00,792 --> 00:51:06,472
Speaker 2: of you? Uh, are they also seeking
integration? Like, you know, the, these are all

768
00:51:06,512 --> 00:51:12,052
Speaker 2: different aspects of self,
experiences that unfold within the broader

769
00:51:12,112 --> 00:51:17,792
Speaker 2: reality, uh, consciousness landscape.
Uh, is there a

770
00:51:17,852 --> 00:51:23,272
Speaker 2: plane where, you know, we're all
pinpricks of light, or we're all [chuckles]

771
00:51:23,372 --> 00:51:27,792
Speaker 2: inhabiting our higher self and
interacting in that way, uh, and these are all

772
00:51:28,652 --> 00:51:31,952
Speaker 2: happening simultaneously on different
levels?

773
00:51:33,712 --> 00:51:36,672
Speaker 2: There's a lot to grok here. [laughs]
Yeah.

774
00:51:36,752 --> 00:51:41,252
Speaker 1: I think we're gonna gloss over that
part, because we've got so many damn selves.

775
00:51:41,312 --> 00:51:45,952
Speaker 1: Like I, I've started to make a list
of all the, like, valid other perspectives that

776
00:51:46,012 --> 00:51:47,732
Speaker 1: I've felt like myself-

777
00:51:47,792 --> 00:51:47,793
Speaker 2: Mm

778
00:51:47,792 --> 00:51:53,152
Speaker 1: ... but not like Steven, and it's a
growing list. And it's so bizarre, because every

779
00:51:53,212 --> 00:51:56,512
Speaker 1: time you never feel like, you know,
you've been taken over or you're somebody else

780
00:51:56,572 --> 00:52:00,392
Speaker 1: now. Like, it always feels like you,
and it almost always feels like a superset of

781
00:52:00,452 --> 00:52:00,992
Speaker 1: you. Like-

782
00:52:01,312 --> 00:52:01,332
Speaker 2: Mm

783
00:52:01,332 --> 00:52:03,972
Speaker 1: ... oh yeah, I still have my memories
and all that. Like, I get to keep all that.

784
00:52:04,352 --> 00:52:09,832
Speaker 1: But also I'm all this, this other
thing going on. So I mention those only to say

785
00:52:09,892 --> 00:52:15,252
Speaker 1: that I'm beginning to remember,
right? There's multiple, like, threads here. I'm

786
00:52:15,292 --> 00:52:20,452
Speaker 1: beginning to remember, like, parts
of, like, who I am outside of this, like, life.

787
00:52:21,292 --> 00:52:26,152
Speaker 1: Um, it feels like remembering,
because it feels familiar. And hopefully, you
know,

788
00:52:26,212 --> 00:52:29,952
Speaker 1: we'll do a whole episode on, like,
higher selves and alternate selves. But I'd just

789
00:52:30,032 --> 00:52:33,212
Speaker 1: offer the reassurance that it always
feels like you. That's the most surprising

790
00:52:33,252 --> 00:52:38,052
Speaker 1: thing, 'cause I often feared this
experience of, like, opening up, and like, I

791
00:52:38,072 --> 00:52:41,812
Speaker 1: didn't like having other selves or
other parts of selves. Like, I don't like the

792
00:52:41,872 --> 00:52:44,992
Speaker 1: idea that there's other parts of me
outside my awareness, [chuckles] conscious

793
00:52:45,032 --> 00:52:49,872
Speaker 1: awareness. But every time, like, when
I get the direct experience, and it's no

794
00:52:49,912 --> 00:52:50,272
Speaker 1: longer-

795
00:52:50,972 --> 00:52:54,172
Speaker 2: Oh, no, you're-- I was, I was just
doing that gesture to kind of like imagine what

796
00:52:54,192 --> 00:52:58,032
Speaker 2: you're, what you're ex- explaining.
So it's like you're a small self-

797
00:52:58,152 --> 00:52:58,252
Speaker 1: Yeah

798
00:52:58,272 --> 00:53:02,112
Speaker 2: ... your ego-based self. But then
when you have these experiences, it's kind of
like

799
00:53:02,152 --> 00:53:07,492
Speaker 2: concentric circles or like a widening
frame. So it's not like you are-- Like your

800
00:53:07,592 --> 00:53:11,792
Speaker 2: small, your small self is still
there, but you're just like, "Oh, this is
actually

801
00:53:11,832 --> 00:53:15,472
Speaker 2: who I am." I mean, I've had these
experiences numerous times in psychedelic

802
00:53:15,532 --> 00:53:16,012
Speaker 2: journeys.

803
00:53:16,272 --> 00:53:16,452
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.

804
00:53:16,612 --> 00:53:21,432
Speaker 2: It'd always be like this ex- uh, it
felt-- I began to describe it as like, uh, my,

805
00:53:21,492 --> 00:53:26,232
Speaker 2: my exper- my experiences are very
different from yours, but it felt like I was s-

806
00:53:26,312 --> 00:53:31,292
Speaker 2: unzipping my skin and, like, taking
off my clothes and being like, "Oh, this is who

807
00:53:31,372 --> 00:53:35,872
Speaker 2: I really am." Kind of getting back in
touch with this, like, essence. Um, and then,

808
00:53:35,932 --> 00:53:41,652
Speaker 2: you know, the journey ends, and I
congeal back into, uh, my small self, and
there's

809
00:53:41,692 --> 00:53:46,632
Speaker 2: a kind of forgetting [chuckles] and
getting lost like you've described, you know-

810
00:53:46,712 --> 00:53:46,713
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm

811
00:53:46,712 --> 00:53:52,612
Speaker 2: ... these depressive periods. Um, and
then I'm just like, "Oh." Had to have an

812
00:53:52,652 --> 00:53:55,772
Speaker 2: experience again. It's like, "Oh
yeah, why do I keep forgetting? Why do I keep

813
00:53:55,792 --> 00:53:57,252
Speaker 2: forgetting? Why do I keep
forgetting?"

814
00:53:59,732 --> 00:54:04,492
Speaker 2: Yeah. Anyways, just, uh, trying to
make sense of this. But it's also interesting,

815
00:54:04,552 --> 00:54:08,952
Speaker 2: like you're sort of like there's all
these different angles, like, uh, perceiving

816
00:54:09,012 --> 00:54:11,692
Speaker 2: yourself from or, like, versions of
yourself through.

817
00:54:13,492 --> 00:54:13,712
Speaker 2: Yeah.

818
00:54:14,332 --> 00:54:20,172
Speaker 1: Yeah. So all of that is crazy. It
feels good. Um, but I have never

819
00:54:20,232 --> 00:54:24,592
Speaker 1: lost, like, the main thread here. I
wanna recapture that state that I had at the end

820
00:54:24,632 --> 00:54:28,672
Speaker 1: of Reality 101. Why do I not feel
like I have, like, power and awareness? I'm
going

821
00:54:28,692 --> 00:54:32,212
Speaker 1: through all this stuff, but it just
feels piecemeal. When do I get to feel like

822
00:54:32,292 --> 00:54:36,312
Speaker 1: that? Like, when do I get to know?
Like, what's on the other side of this? Like,

823
00:54:36,592 --> 00:54:41,112
Speaker 1: punching this stupid veil. Like, what
is this crap? I keep getting little pinpricks,

824
00:54:41,592 --> 00:54:47,312
Speaker 1: like a little, little light coming
through. Um, so one day, uh, what is this? April

825
00:54:47,512 --> 00:54:52,828
Speaker 1: 8th now. This is a long time. It's
been four- Almost four and a half months since

826
00:54:52,868 --> 00:54:57,168
Speaker 1: that experience. It's been a slog.
It's been amazing, up and down, a lot of

827
00:54:57,188 --> 00:55:02,668
Speaker 1: whiplash. And I sit down for a
meditation. And this entire experience is also

828
00:55:02,708 --> 00:55:05,008
Speaker 1: documented on the blog. This one is
called See.

829
00:55:06,848 --> 00:55:10,348
Speaker 1: But I'll count enough of it here so
that we can converse. I sit down for a

830
00:55:10,388 --> 00:55:14,128
Speaker 1: meditation, which is otherwise,
honestly, a pretty crappy meditation. It ends up

831
00:55:14,168 --> 00:55:19,548
Speaker 1: being an hour of just like a wine
fest. And I had, and I started doing this

832
00:55:19,588 --> 00:55:25,008
Speaker 1: recently, but I remember praying,
which is very unusual for me. So I'm

833
00:55:25,588 --> 00:55:27,548
Speaker 1: former atheist. Now I'm

834
00:55:29,428 --> 00:55:35,408
Speaker 1: anti-organized religion. I don't know
what you call it. I know. I

835
00:55:35,448 --> 00:55:38,848
Speaker 1: know there's stuff out there. I mean,
look at the sign off of the show. Everything

836
00:55:38,908 --> 00:55:42,628
Speaker 1: loves you. Like that's, if that's not
spiritual and cosmic, I don't know what is. So

837
00:55:42,688 --> 00:55:46,328
Speaker 1: there we go. We worked it in. But I
remember praying. Like,

838
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:48,548
Speaker 1: come on.

839
00:55:50,608 --> 00:55:56,447
Speaker 1: Give this to me. Like, I've been
working so hard here. Like, come on. Give me

840
00:55:56,507 --> 00:56:01,708
Speaker 1: something. And I start seeing these
visuals. Like, it's the end of an hour

841
00:56:01,748 --> 00:56:04,868
Speaker 1: meditation. I'm stone cold sober,
man. This is like,

842
00:56:07,328 --> 00:56:11,248
Speaker 1: I may as well not have meditated,
right? It's just a wine fest in the closet.
Plus,

843
00:56:11,528 --> 00:56:16,308
Speaker 1: you know, a little sincere praying.
And I start to see some visuals. This is not

844
00:56:16,408 --> 00:56:19,828
Speaker 1: completely unusual for me. Sometimes
I get like little visuals. I call it draw

845
00:56:19,888 --> 00:56:23,548
Speaker 1: sight. It's just images. We'll talk
about it when we get to mindsight and other

846
00:56:23,588 --> 00:56:28,768
Speaker 1: kinds of stuff later on. I see some
symbols like, oh, that's cool. And then they

847
00:56:28,828 --> 00:56:32,428
Speaker 1: start to get really vivid. So I am
seeing these. These are in the visual field. I'm

848
00:56:32,468 --> 00:56:35,988
Speaker 1: sitting in my walk-in closet. It's
dark, but I can see them whether my eyes are
open

849
00:56:36,028 --> 00:56:41,228
Speaker 1: or closed. They're being drawn into
my visual field. And like, oh, that's cool. And

850
00:56:41,268 --> 00:56:46,268
Speaker 1: then they get rainbow colored and
extremely vivid. I'm like, okay, this is pretty

851
00:56:46,328 --> 00:56:49,848
Speaker 1: weird because normally I got to be in
a really altered state to get visuals like

852
00:56:49,908 --> 00:56:54,608
Speaker 1: this. This is, it's pretty weird to
have this happen to you when you're just in a

853
00:56:54,668 --> 00:56:59,548
Speaker 1: regular state. I'm a little whiny.
I'm in a bad mood. And like, I'm seeing like all

854
00:56:59,588 --> 00:57:05,168
Speaker 1: these geometric shapes, like rainbow
colored bubble wrap. I'm zooming through planes

855
00:57:05,208 --> 00:57:11,068
Speaker 1: and like tesseracts, all these crazy
shapes and like spirals and just

856
00:57:11,148 --> 00:57:16,528
Speaker 1: insane visuals. Like off the charts
music visualization, like rainbow visuals. Like,

857
00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:22,508
Speaker 1: whoa. And this is so wild that I'm
watching this for like an hour and a half,

858
00:57:22,708 --> 00:57:26,548
Speaker 1: right? So I'm in the closet for
almost three hours at this point. Like, because
it's

859
00:57:26,588 --> 00:57:31,528
Speaker 1: amazing. Like, whoa. But it's totally
lost on me, man. I don't know what the heck is

860
00:57:31,568 --> 00:57:36,848
Speaker 1: happening. I'm watching this zooming
and going across a black hole event horizon.

861
00:57:36,888 --> 00:57:41,628
Speaker 1: There's like all these cones coming
out and like, whoa. And I just know, I have this

862
00:57:41,668 --> 00:57:44,768
Speaker 1: profound sense that every single one
of these impressions means something. They're

863
00:57:44,788 --> 00:57:49,048
Speaker 1: like, it's like sacred geometry. Like
it all is like describing some beautiful,

864
00:57:49,128 --> 00:57:53,548
Speaker 1: amazing truth about the universe. If
I could record this, I could sell it for 10

865
00:57:53,588 --> 00:57:58,868
Speaker 1: grand because like, I just know that
math nerds out there would be like, whoa. Just

866
00:57:58,888 --> 00:58:02,488
Speaker 1: like pouring over this. It's just
going down the drain for me because it's totally

867
00:58:02,528 --> 00:58:06,728
Speaker 1: wasted on me. I'm like, this is some
cool fireworks. I know it means something.

868
00:58:07,148 --> 00:58:12,468
Speaker 1: Don't know what. And all kinds of
crazy stuff. I remember at one point I felt I
was

869
00:58:12,528 --> 00:58:16,468
Speaker 1: sitting in a cave. I'm sitting in my
closet. And so I'm watching this happen. And

870
00:58:16,508 --> 00:58:21,588
Speaker 1: there's just like this tidal, like
this gush of like rainbow colored liquid that

871
00:58:21,648 --> 00:58:24,688
Speaker 1: comes in through the cave, like
through the mouth of the cave. And I'm in the
cave.

872
00:58:25,148 --> 00:58:29,948
Speaker 1: And then it hits me. As it washes
over me, I just like feel this like electric
like

873
00:58:30,668 --> 00:58:35,548
Speaker 1: surge of power. Like it's all
information. Every single one of these little

874
00:58:35,608 --> 00:58:41,388
Speaker 1: particles is just like hyper dense
information. I'm like, whoa. So at some point

875
00:58:42,068 --> 00:58:46,988
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, this is cool, but I'm
pretty darn tired and I'm getting hungry. So

876
00:58:47,088 --> 00:58:53,048
Speaker 1: I'm going to go make a sandwich. So I
go make a sandwich. And like the visuals

877
00:58:53,068 --> 00:58:55,928
Speaker 1: just kind of fade out, right? You
stop paying attention to it. And it's like, all

878
00:58:55,948 --> 00:58:59,448
Speaker 1: right, those are gone now. I'm like,
well, that was cool. Don't know what that was

879
00:58:59,548 --> 00:59:04,748
Speaker 1: about, but that was fun. The weirdest
part of it was the state I was in. Like I was

880
00:59:04,808 --> 00:59:09,507
Speaker 1: not in some altered state or a
liminal state or any sort of trance. It's
regular me

881
00:59:09,548 --> 00:59:14,748
Speaker 1: in a kind of bad mood. Like that was
cool. That probably meant something. So I eat

882
00:59:14,808 --> 00:59:18,468
Speaker 1: my sandwich and I go sit in the
hammock and I'm like, you know what? I should

883
00:59:18,468 --> 00:59:21,068
Speaker 1: probably get out my journal and like
draw some of those symbols while I can still

884
00:59:21,128 --> 00:59:23,948
Speaker 1: remember them. Like maybe somebody
can look them up and like tell me what it means.

885
00:59:24,688 --> 00:59:28,548
Speaker 1: So I sit down in the hammock and I'm
like, all right, which one should I draw? So I

886
00:59:28,588 --> 00:59:32,468
Speaker 1: started sketching and I'm like, what
am I doing? Like, it's just me. Like I can just

887
00:59:32,508 --> 00:59:37,828
Speaker 1: set an intention. Hey, self, show me
the most important one I need to see. And then

888
00:59:37,928 --> 00:59:41,948
Speaker 1: I see a symbol. Boy, do I see it. And
it snaps into focus real quick. I'm like,

889
00:59:42,008 --> 00:59:43,028
Speaker 1: whoa, that was fast.

890
00:59:44,828 --> 00:59:49,328
Speaker 1: Okay, cool. So I'm sitting in the
hammock and I color in the symbol and I'm
looking

891
00:59:49,408 --> 00:59:51,388
Speaker 1: at it. And as I stare at it,

892
00:59:54,148 --> 00:59:59,168
Speaker 1: I just like start to slip into this
weird state, like almost like in awe. And I

893
00:59:59,248 --> 01:00:04,308
Speaker 1: utter aloud. So here's the symbol.
You guys already got the disclosure on this
show.

894
01:00:04,348 --> 01:00:08,548
Speaker 1: So, you know, whatever. You don't
want to watch this. You already know that you're

895
01:00:08,588 --> 01:00:11,228
Speaker 1: moving towards these sorts of states
if you're paying attention. So here we go.

896
01:00:11,448 --> 01:00:17,128
Speaker 1: Here's the symbol. It's an eye with a
boy in chains. So these

897
01:00:17,208 --> 01:00:21,708
Speaker 1: bindings. It's a red-eyed reptilian
eye wrapped up in chains,

898
01:00:23,968 --> 01:00:29,628
Speaker 1: like suspended over this giant eye.
And I know the boy is me. And as I'm staring at

899
01:00:29,668 --> 01:00:35,288
Speaker 1: it, I utter aloud, I am not the boy.
I'm the chains. Like it just comes out of me.

900
01:00:35,428 --> 01:00:41,068
Speaker 1: Like, whoa. And then the moment I say
that, my entire

901
01:00:41,128 --> 01:00:45,228
Speaker 1: experience of like I'm this guy
sitting in the hammock. I'll just read the
actual

902
01:00:45,288 --> 01:00:51,288
Speaker 1: journal. And then my entire
experience inverted. A self was the relief, the

903
01:00:51,368 --> 01:00:56,396
Speaker 1: hollow spot at the center of me,
which was everything else. There is only a

904
01:00:56,436 --> 01:01:01,636
Speaker 1: boy-shaped hole in my center. I feel
it. I did it. That's what I am.

905
01:01:02,916 --> 01:01:08,316
Speaker 1: So I am literally sitting in this
hammock, again, stoat cold summer, just kind of

906
01:01:08,376 --> 01:01:12,076
Speaker 1: drawing a symbol. And I say these
words out loud. And the moment I say them, like

907
01:01:12,176 --> 01:01:17,996
Speaker 1: flipping a switch, I am all of my
experience around me instantly snapped into

908
01:01:18,056 --> 01:01:23,956
Speaker 1: an extreme non-dual state. And I am
not just like non-dual aware, like I kind of

909
01:01:24,036 --> 01:01:27,715
Speaker 1: feel like I'm everything around me.
Like I can intimately tell the trees, the

910
01:01:27,776 --> 01:01:33,396
Speaker 1: clouds, the rocks, the hammock, even
me, the guy at the center, like it's all me.

911
01:01:33,796 --> 01:01:39,356
Speaker 1: Like I have a sense of like it was
made out of me. Exactly the same experience that

912
01:01:39,436 --> 01:01:44,036
Speaker 1: I had at the end of the reality
one-on-one, like what I was being shown. And
like,

913
01:01:44,496 --> 01:01:46,536
Speaker 1: I'm kind of freaking out. It's like,

914
01:01:48,316 --> 01:01:52,536
Speaker 1: it's pretty jarring for that to
happen. At the same time, I'm watching a guy
freak

915
01:01:52,616 --> 01:01:57,736
Speaker 1: out. And I have all these impressions
of like his limbs, his body, his emotions, his

916
01:01:57,776 --> 01:02:02,336
Speaker 1: thoughts. They're just like all
there. But it's so obviously not me. It's just
like

917
01:02:02,396 --> 01:02:05,356
Speaker 1: a thing that's happening in the same
way like a radio playing in a room or a movie

918
01:02:05,416 --> 01:02:11,336
Speaker 1: on the wall is not you. It's just
happening. Like I am rather fond of

919
01:02:11,376 --> 01:02:14,476
Speaker 1: this person, but it's just like a
car. It's like a narrative. It's just like a

920
01:02:14,496 --> 01:02:18,016
Speaker 1: wrapper. And it's so obvious that
these are just a bunch of different impressions

921
01:02:18,056 --> 01:02:23,916
Speaker 1: that I've stitched together and
called myself. But I am everything around me.
And it

922
01:02:23,976 --> 01:02:28,436
Speaker 1: is incredibly jarring. And I'm like,
and it's all me. And as I'm sitting there,

923
01:02:28,976 --> 01:02:33,736
Speaker 1: there's this sudden quiet. Now,
normally, at this point in time, I'd gotten
better

924
01:02:33,776 --> 01:02:37,256
Speaker 1: at it. I can usually reach out to
soul families, beard guides, whatever, at least

925
01:02:37,276 --> 01:02:42,056
Speaker 1: get something, at least a feeling. It
is dead silent. Nothing. Like

926
01:02:42,936 --> 01:02:48,336
Speaker 1: bizarrely silent. The whole world
feels quiet. Like everyone is just like holding

927
01:02:48,376 --> 01:02:52,776
Speaker 1: their breath. And I'm like, what the
hell is happening? Because I still have

928
01:02:52,816 --> 01:02:58,536
Speaker 1: thoughts, but I'm watching this guy
freak out. Like it's so weird. And I

929
01:02:58,596 --> 01:03:03,856
Speaker 1: just know that this is an important
moment. Anytime there's silence on the set, I'm

930
01:03:03,895 --> 01:03:09,476
Speaker 1: like, hmm, this is important. Hold on
a second. And as I'm sitting there, I just

931
01:03:09,536 --> 01:03:15,396
Speaker 1: decide this is how it really is. This
is actually how it is. Like I am my

932
01:03:15,436 --> 01:03:21,396
Speaker 1: whole reality. I'm not this guy. I
just thought I was. This is true. And the moment

933
01:03:21,496 --> 01:03:25,856
Speaker 1: I decided that, I wasn't just saying
the words, I decided it. There's like this

934
01:03:25,936 --> 01:03:31,716
Speaker 1: collective exhale. I can just feel
it. And I can feel this sense of like triumph
and

935
01:03:31,756 --> 01:03:36,476
Speaker 1: victory. And I'm like, okay, good.
Also relief. Like, okay, good. God, he got it.

936
01:03:37,636 --> 01:03:41,496
Speaker 1: Okay. Just trying to make sure he got
it. Because it wasn't, you can take

937
01:03:41,496 --> 01:03:45,056
Speaker 1: psychedelics and get into a weird
state, a non-dual state. You can realize, oh,
I'm

938
01:03:45,096 --> 01:03:50,956
Speaker 1: the universe. But this was profound
in that I had realized, not only had

939
01:03:51,036 --> 01:03:54,976
Speaker 1: I worked towards this state on my own
without any sort of influence

940
01:03:55,776 --> 01:03:58,236
Speaker 1: from the outside, but

941
01:04:00,516 --> 01:04:06,236
Speaker 1: I knew what it meant. I understood
directly. Oh, I'm just everything here. I'm the

942
01:04:06,296 --> 01:04:11,396
Speaker 1: rocks. I'm the hammock. And as I was
holding the hammock, like in my hands, like I

943
01:04:11,456 --> 01:04:14,916
Speaker 1: got it right. Okay, cool. You passed
the test. I knew that this was just one test,

944
01:04:14,976 --> 01:04:19,816
Speaker 1: that there would be more. But I was
feeling it. It's hard to describe how amazing it

945
01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:24,516
Speaker 1: was to feel it while awake. Oh my
God, it was real. Like four and a half months

946
01:04:24,576 --> 01:04:30,176
Speaker 1: later, it finally happened. Okay.
That was not just some weird dream or
psychedelic.

947
01:04:30,396 --> 01:04:35,576
Speaker 1: I'm here like right now feeling it.
And I put my hand on the hammock and the hammock

948
01:04:35,616 --> 01:04:40,976
Speaker 1: was no more or less me than the hand
was. And I could feel it. Like when I was

949
01:04:41,036 --> 01:04:46,956
Speaker 1: touching it, I could feel it. Like it
was part of me. Not like it. It was. Like

950
01:04:47,016 --> 01:04:52,036
Speaker 1: I knew. When this happens, you don't
have to guess. You just know. And I could feel

951
01:04:52,076 --> 01:04:56,056
Speaker 1: that it loved me. Like it was
shocked. Like the stuff that it was made out of
was

952
01:04:56,316 --> 01:04:59,816
Speaker 1: like a part of me that had been
separated for a long time was like, oh, he
doesn't

953
01:04:59,876 --> 01:05:05,176
Speaker 1: usually realize that we're the same
person. And it was like this reunion. Like I'd

954
01:05:05,236 --> 01:05:10,656
Speaker 1: come home like, oh, you know. You
know now. And it was just like celebrating. It's

955
01:05:10,756 --> 01:05:16,716
Speaker 1: so weird. And so for hours after
that, like it started to fade. I started

956
01:05:16,736 --> 01:05:20,816
Speaker 1: to come back down, reassociate with
my body a little bit. But I was just like

957
01:05:20,876 --> 01:05:24,056
Speaker 1: glowing. And when I would stop and
just like look at things like my desk or the

958
01:05:24,116 --> 01:05:28,116
Speaker 1: bowl, it would just, that state would
seep back partially. And I would begin to

959
01:05:28,156 --> 01:05:33,556
Speaker 1: realize that the bowl was me. Like it
was made out of me. Like I could feel it. And

960
01:05:33,836 --> 01:05:38,396
Speaker 1: I would get this profound feeling of
like love and connection from a bowl on a desk.

961
01:05:38,876 --> 01:05:44,536
Speaker 1: And like because it knew and I knew
that we were the same thing again. And

962
01:05:46,876 --> 01:05:52,736
Speaker 1: it was extremely profound. And I can
now reclaim that state on purpose. It takes a

963
01:05:52,756 --> 01:05:57,296
Speaker 1: little effort. I don't walk around
like that all the time. But once you've done it,

964
01:05:57,856 --> 01:06:02,016
Speaker 1: you can do it again. And so this was
a major milestone. And I knew what it finally

965
01:06:02,056 --> 01:06:08,036
Speaker 1: meant to see. Oh, this is what you
meant. In part, you meant for me to

966
01:06:08,136 --> 01:06:13,396
Speaker 1: see that you're not the person.
You're not a boy in the world. You're the entire

967
01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:16,656
Speaker 1: world with a boy shaped hole in the
center. Like you thought that you were this

968
01:06:16,716 --> 01:06:19,716
Speaker 1: thing walking around in the world,
but it's the exact opposite. You're the whole

969
01:06:19,756 --> 01:06:24,096
Speaker 1: world, man. You're your whole world.
You're a whole reality. This wasn't like, oh,

970
01:06:24,136 --> 01:06:28,176
Speaker 1: the rocks or the hammock or the bowl
was like, you're technically all the same thing

971
01:06:28,216 --> 01:06:34,076
Speaker 1: in a conceptual way. Like, oh, I feel
it. Holy crap. We are the

972
01:06:34,116 --> 01:06:38,376
Speaker 1: same thing. I can tell. I can feel
you and you can feel me. And it's we're the same

973
01:06:38,416 --> 01:06:44,096
Speaker 1: person. I couldn't control it, but I
was aware of it. And as I've said

974
01:06:44,136 --> 01:06:46,476
Speaker 1: before, awareness precedes control.

975
01:06:48,136 --> 01:06:53,876
Speaker 1: So yeah, that was the finale there
for the arc is that I finally in a waking

976
01:06:53,956 --> 01:06:59,076
Speaker 1: state got to see that I was in fact
my whole reality. And now I know it is true on

977
01:06:59,136 --> 01:07:02,916
Speaker 1: another level. It wasn't something
that was shown to me, something that I did and

978
01:07:02,956 --> 01:07:08,336
Speaker 1: can do again in the same way that I
can do mindsight. I can turn it on.

979
01:07:10,076 --> 01:07:10,476
Speaker 1: And it's

980
01:07:12,676 --> 01:07:17,096
Speaker 1: really the big reason behind doing
the show. I want to get people to that point

981
01:07:18,316 --> 01:07:23,556
Speaker 1: where they can feel it because it is
incredible to be

982
01:07:23,636 --> 01:07:28,316
Speaker 1: able to look at something or touch it
or just sit there and feel,

983
01:07:29,756 --> 01:07:33,396
Speaker 1: oh my God, it's me. All of this
stuff. When you're eating food, you're eating

984
01:07:33,436 --> 01:07:37,336
Speaker 1: yourself. When you look at your
computer, you're looking at yourself. It's all
you.

985
01:07:37,836 --> 01:07:43,096
Speaker 1: But not just like being told that,
but like feeling it without a doubt. Like,

986
01:07:44,376 --> 01:07:50,316
Speaker 1: oh, this is true. It's happening
right now. Like I can feel that it is. I want

987
01:07:50,416 --> 01:07:56,416
Speaker 1: as many people who want to realize
that to have that experience too. So there's the

988
01:07:56,456 --> 01:08:02,176
Speaker 1: finale for this one part of the
curriculum. If you only get there, man, I highly

989
01:08:02,216 --> 01:08:03,256
Speaker 1: recommend it to anybody.

990
01:08:10,936 --> 01:08:13,456
Speaker 2: This is Reality 101. Until next time.

991
01:08:14,936 --> 01:08:19,236
Speaker 1: Nothing is impossible. You're not
going to die. And everything loves you.