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00:00:00.000 Speaker 1 [instrumental music]
00:00:08.000 Speaker 1 Reality 101 is a journal of impossible experiences from first-hand explorations into
00:00:12.660 Speaker 1 the nature of reality, what it means for all of us, and how you can experience it
00:00:16.600 Speaker 1 yourself. I'm Stephen Trumbick.
00:00:19.320 Speaker 2 And I'm Joshua Swenson.
00:00:22.320 Speaker 2 This episode of Reality 101 is part two of See, Wake Up, Remember. We're continuing
00:00:27.600 Speaker 2 our conversation about what is real and the long, winding path from imagination to
00:00:32.100 Speaker 2 validation. This one is about how it feels to work alone for something impossible,
00:00:37.860 Speaker 2 not knowing whether you'll ever get it. But before we dive into that, we always like
00:00:42.340 Speaker 2 to start with a little check-in, so I'm just wondering how you're arriving today,
00:00:45.380 Speaker 2 Stephen.
00:00:46.580 Speaker 1 Cool. Uh, always got something to share. This is always weird for me 'cause we're
00:00:51.840 Speaker 1 talking back in time.
00:00:52.820 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:00:53.480 Speaker 1 I can't help but spoil, like, [laughs] some of what comes ahead because I'm, I don't
00:00:57.280 Speaker 1 stop, right? Um, so before I tell you how I am, I wanted to say that we got some
00:01:02.660 Speaker 1 feedback on the show. Now we got feedback on the show so far from, you know,
00:01:06.600 Speaker 1 regular, uh, human beings. Uh, as I was publishing I think the second
00:01:12.380 Speaker 1 episode, just hear a thought, doesn't feel like mine. Normally people don't share
00:01:17.880 Speaker 1 feedback like this, but we can do whatever we want here. So [laughs] I'm just gonna
00:01:21.620 Speaker 1 tell it to you as I experienced it. Don't know who it is. Here's the exact quote, "I
00:01:27.580 Speaker 1 would really like for people to listen to this." And the next line is, like,
00:01:33.860 Speaker 1 "More spiritual, more cosmic." But when they say more, there's, like, a plus sign,
00:01:39.520 Speaker 1 like a conceptual, like, increase, like a chart.
00:01:41.720 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:01:42.520 Speaker 1 Like, just include this. Like, it's good. Keep it as it is, but just, you know, work
00:01:46.540 Speaker 1 this in a little bit. Don't forget these angles and just, like, there's a, like a
00:01:50.320 Speaker 1 math equation. Like, go include these in. [laughs] Very weird. I just laughed and
00:01:55.560 Speaker 1 said, "All right, I'll see what I can do." [laughs] So if we can see if we can get
00:01:58.460 Speaker 1 some more spiritual and cosmic, whatever that means. [laughs] Um, as far as how I
00:02:04.620 Speaker 1 am, I'm having a very good day. Had a pretty profound meditation experience again
00:02:09.400 Speaker 1 today. Um, for those of you who have read my blog, the differentcompass.ink, there
00:02:15.440 Speaker 1 is an article called Dancing Starlight Dude in Jeans. I feel like about
00:02:21.460 Speaker 1 30% that guy right now. Uh, so it's pretty weird and very happy day, uh, but
00:02:27.640 Speaker 1 that was kind of the goal. If you don't know what I'm talking about, [laughs] you
00:02:30.800 Speaker 1 can go read it if you want to. I think we'll eventually cover it in the show. Um, so
00:02:34.780 Speaker 1 all that to say is I'm feeling real good. Um, how are you, Joshua? [laughs]
00:02:40.820 Speaker 2 Hmm. Thanks for sharing. I love hearing the, uh, uh, astral feedback. [laughs]
00:02:46.300 Speaker 1 I thought it was hilarious.
00:02:47.020 Speaker 2 [laughs] Uh, plus cosmic, plus spiritual. Okay, I'm gonna write that down. Hmm.
00:02:52.200 Speaker 2 Check, check. All right. I feel like I was doing pretty cosmic, pretty spiritual in
00:02:55.320 Speaker 2 the last few episodes, so.
00:02:56.520 Speaker 1 It seemed like it, but it's all relative.
00:02:58.000 Speaker 2 I gotta get more, more cosmic and spiritual. [clears throat] But yeah, um, I'm also
00:03:02.020 Speaker 2 feeling pretty great today, and, um, just, uh, I've got a filmmaking
00:03:07.880 Speaker 2 project that I'm working on, and so when I'm in the flow with something like that, I
00:03:11.660 Speaker 2 always just... It's just, it feels really great. I'm excited to wake up. I'm excited
00:03:15.460 Speaker 2 to go to work. Um, yeah, so that's cool. And I wanted to
00:03:21.400 Speaker 2 share an experience I had, what was it, last night, uh, meditation. And
00:03:27.380 Speaker 2 normally my big meditation experiences happen in the middle of the night, 3:00 AM or
00:03:32.180 Speaker 2 so, but this one came through, uh, in my evening meditation. Uh, I've been
00:03:38.140 Speaker 2 doing, um...
00:03:41.960 Speaker 2 I've been using binaural beats, uh, and meditation music focused on different
00:03:47.560 Speaker 2 chakras to help me anchor my awareness, uh, and so I started with the meditation
00:03:53.460 Speaker 2 of, uh, in my solar plexus 'cause I was feeling a little anxiety, uh, in that space.
00:03:58.860 Speaker 2 Um, resolved that energy, and then I shifted to a throat awareness, um,
00:04:03.860 Speaker 2 [clears throat] throat resonance, uh, music, and then shifted to a,
00:04:09.700 Speaker 2 um, third eye opening, s- um, music, and this was binaural beats, which is, like,
00:04:15.520 Speaker 2 different, um, frequencies playing in different, in either ear, which is supposed to
00:04:21.500 Speaker 2 help calibrate and sync your hemispheres. Um, [clears throat] and this one,
00:04:27.440 Speaker 2 um, yeah, I was just feeling opening, uh, in the space in my,
00:04:33.620 Speaker 2 uh, in my head. [laughs] I have a long history with, uh, becoming aware with
00:04:39.660 Speaker 2 how I'm holding tension in my body and, um, energy and emotion and how they come
00:04:44.640 Speaker 2 through and feeling deeply into those spaces. And then something started happening
00:04:50.360 Speaker 2 in... I started getting this, like, clicking sound coming through, and it was like,
00:04:56.620 Speaker 2 it felt like it was coming from inside my head, almost as if, like, there was, my
00:05:01.500 Speaker 2 sinus was kind of, like, popping open or, like, there was-
00:05:04.320 Speaker 1 So like a physical clicking sound?
00:05:05.680 Speaker 2 It, yeah, yeah.
00:05:06.720 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.
00:05:07.860 Speaker 2 [clears throat] And, um, I had recently watched the trailer for the Steven Spielberg
00:05:13.200 Speaker 2 movie coming out, Disclosure Day, which I am very excited to see. And, uh,
00:05:19.060 Speaker 2 there's one scene in that movie where a news anchor, uh, it seems like her voice
00:05:24.720 Speaker 2 gets taken over, and there's this, like, kind of haunting clicking noise that comes
00:05:29.020 Speaker 2 through. And so I w- when I saw that, I was like, "Oh..." Uh, a- and then the, the
00:05:34.640 Speaker 2 movie itself, it seems to be associated with the grays 'cause at, at some point
00:05:38.660 Speaker 2 there's a image of a, um, a moose, and the moose is, like, leaning
00:05:44.720 Speaker 2 over one of the characters, and then its nose shifts into the face of a, a gray. So
00:05:50.100 Speaker 2 you're like, "Oh, this is m- this is, these are the aliens in this movie. These are
00:05:53.040 Speaker 2 grays." Um, and I, I thought, you know, I'm aware that a lot of these beings,
00:05:58.880 Speaker 2 um, appear to tel- telepathically communicate with people, and, um-
00:06:06.084 Speaker 2 Uh, so I was like-- When I saw the trailer, I was like skeptical. Like, "That's not
00:06:10.664 Speaker 2 what they sound like when they telepathically communicate, probably." But then I get
00:06:14.584 Speaker 2 this clicking noise in my head, and I'm like, "Oh, shit. It's the Grays." [laughs]
00:06:19.844 Speaker 1 I don't know, man. I don't have any experience with this-
00:06:22.544 Speaker 2 No
00:06:22.544 Speaker 1 ... this part of your cosmic drama. [laughs]
00:06:24.124 Speaker 2 And then, and then, um, so I was like, "Okay. Uh, well, let me see."
00:06:29.964 Speaker 2 And, um, I've had some experiences in attempting to reach out,
00:06:36.024 Speaker 2 uh, with these beings in the past and
00:06:39.284 Speaker 2 feeling as if they were reaching to me. Um, and so I imagine what
00:06:45.344 Speaker 2 if I'm sitting in the presence of one of these beings, you know, as if like I'm
00:06:50.144 Speaker 2 meditating before, um, a Gray sitting, you know, on my bench here with me,
00:06:56.304 Speaker 2 and my whole body lights up with this pinging sensation. So it felt like, you know,
00:07:02.344 Speaker 2 confirmation. It kind of feels like, you know, being in the presence of a predator.
00:07:07.564 Speaker 2 Um, like imagine-
00:07:08.984 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:07:09.004 Speaker 2 ... swimming with a shark or a whale or something like that. You know, just human--
00:07:13.464 Speaker 2 Modern-day humans don't get the opportunity to, uh, interact with
00:07:19.284 Speaker 2 anything that's more intimidating than we are [chuckles] on a daily basis.
00:07:23.104 Speaker 1 But not necessarily threatening. To clear. I mean, I don't wanna put words in your
00:07:26.984 Speaker 1 mouth. You tell me.
00:07:27.624 Speaker 2 Right. Uh, there's a feeling of... I'm, I'm, I'm like-- I-- If, if one of these
00:07:33.344 Speaker 2 beings show up, showed up in my room right now, I feel like I would be-
00:07:36.644 Speaker 1 Well-
00:07:36.764 Speaker 2 ... very intimidated. I, I would be-
00:07:38.364 Speaker 1 It's a little different.
00:07:38.964 Speaker 2 Yeah. The-- But like imagining physically being in the presence of one of these
00:07:43.724 Speaker 2 beings. Um-
00:07:45.244 Speaker 1 Uh, I like to call it like a, like a pressure wave. Like for me-
00:07:49.964 Speaker 2 Mm
00:07:49.984 Speaker 1 ... it's like something is like pushing on me, like to the point where almost like,
00:07:54.624 Speaker 1 yeah, adrenal response, where you feel like your-
00:07:56.264 Speaker 2 Yeah
00:07:56.344 Speaker 1 ... brain is being shut down and you're, you go into fight or flight.
00:07:58.884 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:07:59.264 Speaker 1 It can feel like a pressure wave coming at you, and it's like it's hard to like stay
00:08:04.044 Speaker 1 conscious in, in the midst of that.
00:08:06.064 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:08:06.544 Speaker 1 I've had that in dream and liminal experiences, but not physically. I've never had a
00:08:11.024 Speaker 1 physical close encounter.
00:08:13.744 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, that was...
00:08:19.684 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:08:19.784 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.
00:08:19.864 Speaker 2 That was kind of my response, you know? I, I think, uh, I've sat through numerous
00:08:24.364 Speaker 2 experiences with these beings, uh, or like with like imagining presence of them and
00:08:28.724 Speaker 2 then like kind of getting these pings. Um, and I'm like always like, it feels
00:08:34.604 Speaker 2 as if I'm communicating or as if I'm in the presence of them. Um, yeah.
00:08:40.764 Speaker 2 So-
00:08:41.084 Speaker 1 Just like we talked about-
00:08:41.164 Speaker 2 ... that's what came through-
00:08:41.644 Speaker 1 ... last time
00:08:42.484 Speaker 2 ... my meditation. [laughs]
00:08:44.384 Speaker 1 'Cause your med- the meditation?
00:08:46.504 Speaker 2 No, that's what through-- came through in my meditation.
00:08:48.244 Speaker 1 Oh.
00:08:48.284 Speaker 2 And, and then it was like it was, uh, there was a kind of like conversation I felt
00:08:52.464 Speaker 2 like I was having as I was-
00:08:54.624 Speaker 1 Mm
00:08:56.304 Speaker 2 ... um, as I was imagining this presence. So it's like, is this happening in
00:08:59.744 Speaker 2 imagination, or is this happening in reality? Or is there [laughs] some gray area?
00:09:04.404 Speaker 2 Who knows? Yeah. [laughs] That's kind of the point, right? Why we're talking.
00:09:09.884 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:09:10.764 Speaker 1 Yeah. I remember what we talked about. I mean, you literally brought it up, like
00:09:13.424 Speaker 1 what we talked about last time. You have to hold all of this stuff in this like
00:09:17.744 Speaker 1 maybe sort of space where, yeah, you got strong validation, but you have to hold
00:09:22.984 Speaker 1 lightly as to why. Were you being encouraged because you took seriously that perhaps
00:09:27.104 Speaker 1 there could be another being here that isn't physical, and that is why you're being
00:09:30.404 Speaker 1 encouraged?
00:09:31.344 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:09:31.384 Speaker 1 Or is it literal, in the sense that it's direct? No, literally this exact species of
00:09:35.924 Speaker 1 entity you think is here. Or is it literally just praise for even having considered
00:09:40.684 Speaker 1 that?
00:09:41.604 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:09:41.784 Speaker 1 Or maybe it could be any of those or something else, right?
00:09:45.964 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:09:46.124 Speaker 1 It could be something else entirely.
00:09:48.164 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:09:48.464 Speaker 1 Uh, I would take seriously what you felt-
00:09:51.284 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm
00:09:51.344 Speaker 1 ... without holding too t- tightly onto any one interpretation-
00:09:55.184 Speaker 2 Yeah
00:09:55.424 Speaker 1 ... until, you know, it sort of comes out eventually. It comes out in the wash. You
00:09:58.564 Speaker 1 eventually-- There's a through line. There's a pattern. Then eventually you're like,
00:10:01.704 Speaker 1 "Okay, these other narratives can fall away." It wasn't literally-
00:10:04.804 Speaker 2 Yeah
00:10:04.824 Speaker 1 ... a gray alien or, you know, maybe it was. I don't know. Like the other things
00:10:07.684 Speaker 1 will fall away over time if you take it seriously.
00:10:10.464 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:10:10.684 Speaker 1 Um, you'll get these corrections in iteratively. So sounds like progress to me.
00:10:17.484 Speaker 2 Yeah. Um,
00:10:21.564 Speaker 2 yeah. I have the perception that we are living in a time when some kind of
00:10:26.624 Speaker 2 disclosure or contact is approaching. Um, and with, uh, with something like this
00:10:32.104 Speaker 2 movie and Steven Spielberg, you know, publicly coming out and saying, um, you know,
00:10:36.984 Speaker 2 he believes this phenomena is, the phenomena is real, that, uh, that creates a
00:10:41.564 Speaker 2 doorway for the phenomena to enter more broadly into public consciousness, uh, which
00:10:47.024 Speaker 2 then creates the opportunity for more of these experiences and more contact to start
00:10:51.164 Speaker 2 happening. Just as when Whitley Strieber in the '80s published his book Communion,
00:10:56.244 Speaker 2 and all these people started remembering their own contact experiences, um, and
00:11:00.944 Speaker 2 flooding the gates of like, you know, just opened the floodgates. Um, so
00:11:06.924 Speaker 2 I feel like these, the Grays are particularly like kind of creepy looking, [laughs]
00:11:12.784 Speaker 2 you know? Or just like my perception and culturally, like my, you know, upbringing
00:11:17.744 Speaker 2 and everything, like, uh, they're alien. You know? They're just unknown.
00:11:21.604 Speaker 1 Yeah.
00:11:21.684 Speaker 2 Um, so there's like a, there's a terror like associated with encountering the
00:11:25.944 Speaker 2 unknown. You know?
00:11:26.224 Speaker 1 It's a straight-up biological-
00:11:28.104 Speaker 2 Yeah
00:11:28.204 Speaker 1 ... reaction.
00:11:29.324 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:11:29.424 Speaker 1 There's a number of like-
00:11:29.924 Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly
00:11:30.584 Speaker 1 ... in the lore, there's a number of species that fall into an uncanny valley-
00:11:33.784 Speaker 2 Mm
00:11:33.864 Speaker 1 ... just biologically for humans for whatever reason, and they are well aware of
00:11:38.484 Speaker 1 that. [laughs]
00:11:39.564 Speaker 2 Mm. [laughs]
00:11:40.164 Speaker 1 They know that. For good or bad, right? They're, they're well aware of that.
00:11:44.004 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:11:45.844 Speaker 2 And then the, the punchline of this, uh, meditation, though, was, uh, I lifted my--
00:11:50.504 Speaker 2 The next time this clicking happened, I was like, "Oh, it's coming again." So I
00:11:53.064 Speaker 2 thought another transmission was coming through. [laughs] I'm just sitting with the
00:11:56.484 Speaker 2 possibility that this is happening, right?
00:11:58.404 Speaker 1 Yeah.
00:11:58.884 Speaker 2 Uh, and then I lift my earphone. I'm like, "Oh, it's actually coming from the
00:12:02.184 Speaker 2 music," which is like-
00:12:03.324 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:12:03.404 Speaker 2 ... I never heard music that has this kind of like clicking that makes it feel like
00:12:07.424 Speaker 2 it's strobing across your forehead. It was pretty, pretty cool. Um, but yeah, it was
00:12:13.072 Speaker 2 like, okay, I guess my, uh... But I still had this, like, interesting, like,
00:12:16.432 Speaker 2 heightened, um, physiological experience, uh, just in, like,
00:12:22.452 Speaker 2 imagining that that was what was happening.
00:12:25.952 Speaker 1 Resist the urge to assume that magic only comes through specific channels.
00:12:31.532 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:12:32.092 Speaker 1 Nothing is off limits. I have had synchronicities happen to me in video games.
00:12:35.592 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:12:36.172 Speaker 1 Nothing is off limits. Like, it's-
00:12:38.492 Speaker 2 Yeah
00:12:38.532 Speaker 1 ... it's all reality, man. It's, you think it's any harder to, like, put a thought
00:12:41.492 Speaker 1 in your head as it is to, like, change, like, what card you draw in a video game,
00:12:45.812 Speaker 1 like a card game? [laughs] I'm like, no, it's not any harder. Like, there's, nothing
00:12:49.492 Speaker 1 is off limits. So don't assume that just bec- ah, it came through a physical
00:12:54.312 Speaker 1 channel, therefore it was all nothing. Like-
00:12:57.032 Speaker 2 Hmm
00:12:57.772 Speaker 1 ... there's that balance between delusion and, like, skepticism. Like, is there,
00:13:03.732 Speaker 1 expect eventual accountability, but don't assume 'cause it comes through an expected
00:13:07.072 Speaker 1 channel that it was nothing.
00:13:09.652 Speaker 1 Just saying. Um, you don't need to over-index on it, but I have found that to be
00:13:12.972 Speaker 1 true as well. That the even more traditional, like, means, like, oh, it has a known
00:13:18.272 Speaker 1 source. Well, that means it has no meaning now? Like, you've... Before, this meant
00:13:23.272 Speaker 1 something to you, but now that you realize it came from an, oh, I just-
00:13:25.912 Speaker 2 Mm
00:13:25.912 Speaker 1 ... I know what that was. It's explainable now.
00:13:28.352 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:13:28.412 Speaker 1 That doesn't mean it didn't still have the same message for you, like, hey, pay
00:13:31.392 Speaker 1 attention, or hey, focus on this. [laughs]
00:13:33.572 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:13:33.972 Speaker 1 You should keep the message even if the source ended up being verifiable. Something
00:13:38.652 Speaker 1 can be two things at the same time.
00:13:40.732 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:13:40.932 Speaker 1 Gets complicated.
00:13:42.552 Speaker 2 No, it was a very real experience for me. And, um-
00:13:44.732 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:13:44.852 Speaker 2 ... uh, I want to make myself ready to sit in the presence of these beings, you
00:13:50.652 Speaker 2 know? I want to live in such a way that I am prepared, and that was the conversation
00:13:55.032 Speaker 2 that was happening in my mind. I was like, "I'm ready to make contact. Oh, I'm want
00:13:59.712 Speaker 2 to be ready or make contact. Prepare me to make contact, please." Like, [laughs]
00:14:03.232 Speaker 2 this kind of like-
00:14:04.292 Speaker 1 Yep.
00:14:05.312 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:14:05.452 Speaker 1 Yeah. You just got a little poke. Let's see.
00:14:08.192 Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
00:14:08.232 Speaker 1 Does he spazz out and pee his pants?
00:14:10.912 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:14:11.452 Speaker 1 Uh, well, it seems like he did okay. So awesome, man.
00:14:14.672 Speaker 2 [laughs]
00:14:15.252 Speaker 1 I look forward to hearing whatever happens next. Sounds like it's good.
00:14:18.932 Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm excited to see the movie too.
00:14:20.672 Speaker 1 [laughs] That-
00:14:21.172 Speaker 2 Yeah. With that, you know, preamble aside-
00:14:24.192 Speaker 1 Sure
00:14:25.372 Speaker 2 ... um, let's dive in. So we're picking up where we left off. Um, Steven was sharing
00:14:30.112 Speaker 2 about synchronicities he had, and then a, uh, conversation with
00:14:35.892 Speaker 2 this soul mother being. Um, correct me if I'm, if I'm misremembering, but that's, I
00:14:41.892 Speaker 2 believe that's where we left off in-
00:14:43.932 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:14:44.012 Speaker 2 ... in the story, part one.
00:14:46.032 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.
00:14:50.952 Speaker 1 So, sorry, I heard a noise in my room. It's weird. Whatever. Yes. Uh, so she has a
00:14:56.812 Speaker 1 name. Um,
00:14:59.632 Speaker 1 a lot of people end up having names. You get them way later. Uh, but just call her
00:15:03.812 Speaker 1 Mother for this. You know, I have a mom, [laughs] a human mom, so it's a little
00:15:08.152 Speaker 1 confusing. But in typical telepathy pass- fashion, you always know which one you're
00:15:12.872 Speaker 1 referring to. In the same way that if you're looking at somebody with body language,
00:15:16.252 Speaker 1 even if there's two Davids in the room, [laughs] it's the David you're looking at
00:15:18.972 Speaker 1 that you're talking to. Um, so wrapping up that experience, and I'm coming off
00:15:24.992 Speaker 1 a high, right? It's, things are awesome, and, um,
00:15:30.052 Speaker 1 we're gonna continue talking about this one narrative arc that we're carving
00:15:33.252 Speaker 1 through, like, four months.
00:15:35.732 Speaker 1 I go back to work, right? And so it's just after the new year now,
00:15:41.532 Speaker 1 and I'm all amped up. Like, I know, like, I feel like I'm just, like,
00:15:47.352 Speaker 1 buzzing with, like, energy. Like, I, I have, [laughs] I've been given this, like,
00:15:51.112 Speaker 1 golden tome of, like, here's, like, how consciousness interacts with reality on a
00:15:55.572 Speaker 1 low level. I'm like, I can't stop thinking about it. Like, [laughs] I have some
00:16:00.472 Speaker 1 family beyond this. And, like,
00:16:03.432 Speaker 1 it feels very exciting, right? I'm beginning to see, like, benefits to what before
00:16:08.892 Speaker 1 was like, I don't know, like, spiritual chaos. Like, it was noise. Like, a lot of
00:16:13.192 Speaker 1 the time, I, it was what I called sticking my finger in the spiritual wall outlet.
00:16:17.132 Speaker 1 It's like, "Ugh, stuff is happening." [laughs] It doesn't make any sense. Um, but
00:16:21.472 Speaker 1 now it's like, "Oh, okay, this is cool." Like, now I'm getting utility and, like,
00:16:27.692 Speaker 1 direct information and, like, conversation and, like, good feelings. Oh, a family.
00:16:32.532 Speaker 1 [laughs] Oh, this is cool. Uh, life beyond death. [laughs] I'm, I'm starting to get
00:16:36.932 Speaker 1 on board for this. Um, and then I go back to work. Uh, so I work a corporate job,
00:16:42.592 Speaker 1 which has been good to me. Uh, but it's corporate America, you know? It's tough.
00:16:46.712 Speaker 1 This is a really hard contrast.
00:16:49.332 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:16:49.532 Speaker 1 Um, I am not feeling it. And I start to slip into a depression. Not only do I
00:16:55.552 Speaker 1 start to slip into a depression, but the kinds of experiences, I am, like,
00:17:00.532 Speaker 1 frantically clamoring, like, trying to get this kind of experience back, whether it
00:17:05.332 Speaker 1 is, like, direct communication or, like, in those liminal states or meditative
00:17:09.572 Speaker 1 states. I'm trying to either make contact or just get any impression. I'm trying to
00:17:13.632 Speaker 1 make anything happen, right? Whether even it's just a vivid dream or something,
00:17:18.652 Speaker 1 because I've had a lot of things happening to me at this point. It's not just
00:17:21.972 Speaker 1 contact with these people. It's all kinds of incredible effects. Those
00:17:28.292 Speaker 1 stop. [laughs] I am Steven. I'm straight Steven. That good feeling is gone,
00:17:35.092 Speaker 1 and I panic. And I'm back at work, and I am completely depressed by my surroundings.
00:17:41.512 Speaker 1 I'm, like, looking at the wall like, "You gotta be kidding me." [laughs] Like, this
00:17:46.952 Speaker 1 can't be it. There's no way. There's no way. I got Matrix blue pilled, even though I
00:17:52.032 Speaker 1 want the red pill. And-
00:17:53.712 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm
00:17:53.912 Speaker 1 ... turns out the way it works is you don't get to forget. [laughs] You still know
00:17:58.512 Speaker 1 the Matrix. You just have to live in it now. I'm like, "Wait, what? No, this can't
00:18:03.452 Speaker 1 be right." [laughs] It's surely not. Um, it keeps happening.
00:18:09.112 Speaker 1 And,
00:18:11.132 Speaker 1 but it's not all, like, depression and, like- Freaking out, trying to recapture
00:18:17.068 Speaker 1 this. It's like the harder I squeeze, like, the more it leaves me. I feel like the
00:18:20.188 Speaker 1 magic has left me. But at the same time, very maddeningly, I'm back at work,
00:18:26.268 Speaker 1 but I can't do my job. Like, I can't log in.
00:18:32.348 Speaker 1 My password has changed or something's wrong. And then my computer, like, straight
00:18:36.968 Speaker 1 up, like, bricks. Like, I can't use it. And I'm trying to use an alternative device,
00:18:42.108 Speaker 1 which has already been loaded up with, like, the proprietary software to be able to
00:18:45.428 Speaker 1 authenticate. It doesn't work. Nothing works. All the backups, everything. No one
00:18:51.288 Speaker 1 can help. IT is gone, even though they're supposed to be there. It's this storm of
00:18:56.048 Speaker 1 hilarious things. So I've come back and, like, [sniffs] nothing is working.
00:19:01.308 Speaker 1 [laughs] Like, I can't get in no matter what I do. Like, I am beating down doors.
00:19:06.988 Speaker 1 Like, it's been, like, days, and all I can do is sit here in my office, right? Like,
00:19:11.328 Speaker 1 [laughs] I can't actually program. I'm a software engineer. I can't, [laughs] I
00:19:16.088 Speaker 1 can't actually do my job. And it's-- The number of things that go wrong is just
00:19:20.348 Speaker 1 comical. I'm sitting on, like, corporate tech support, and I get
00:19:26.128 Speaker 1 the most hilarious person I've ever talked to in tech support. This man is reading
00:19:30.228 Speaker 1 from a script at, like... Some people listen to, like, podcasts and books at two
00:19:34.408 Speaker 1 times speed. This guy is at one quarter speed. He is reading so slowly that I have
00:19:39.308 Speaker 1 to mute myself because I am laughing in tears. Like, this can't be real. Like, this,
00:19:44.328 Speaker 1 "Excuse me, sir. Could you please..." And he is so bored,
00:19:50.528 Speaker 1 and he-- [laughs] I have to call him multiple times. And, like,
00:19:56.088 Speaker 1 I'm losing my mind at this point. I'm like, "This can't be real." Like, I literally
00:20:00.388 Speaker 1 cannot work. Like, I'm here, but I'm not here. Like, I can't actually do my job. And
00:20:06.128 Speaker 1 at some point, I just surrender. I'm like, "It's been four or five days now." You
00:20:10.408 Speaker 1 know, it's just after the holidays or whatever, so, like, everything's warming up.
00:20:13.488 Speaker 1 People are still off, and, like, it's fine. But I'm-- At some point, I get the sign.
00:20:19.348 Speaker 1 Like, "Cool, man. I think I'm supposed to sit with this, and I'm supposed to just,
00:20:23.248 Speaker 1 like, you know, integrate a little bit." I'm not going to be allowed to jump right
00:20:27.748 Speaker 1 back into my life as it was. I can't go right back to being regular Steven, doing my
00:20:31.988 Speaker 1 job, and pretending like, you know, corporate software development is, like, the
00:20:35.828 Speaker 1 only purpose of my life. And this didn't just happen to me. This set of incredible
00:20:40.248 Speaker 1 things didn't just happen to me. It's like I'm being forced to be given space to
00:20:45.168 Speaker 1 think about, you know, what this means and who I wanna be and what I'm gonna do with
00:20:49.908 Speaker 1 this. And so I do. Um, so I start writing an article. Um, there's an article on the
00:20:55.208 Speaker 1 blog called, I think, "33 Years in a Room With No Exit." So if you wanna know what
00:20:59.548 Speaker 1 my headspace was like, go read that one. [laughs] It's very angsty. It's F this,
00:21:04.768 Speaker 1 rage against the machine. [laughs] This is stupid. Uh, not that I'm ungrateful, but
00:21:09.668 Speaker 1 I just...
00:21:11.648 Speaker 1 This mechanism at large in society, I'm,
00:21:16.168 Speaker 1 I am so not feeling [laughs] regular corporate America suburban
00:21:22.208 Speaker 1 life. Like, this is wrong. This is, this feels so wrong. We could be doing anything.
00:21:26.808 Speaker 1 Why the hell are we doing this? Now, I can't do anything. Like, I'm, I've just been
00:21:31.488 Speaker 1 given the awareness, and then it's gone, right? And more maddening is that I'm
00:21:36.568 Speaker 1 beginning to become depressed because I'm,
00:21:40.428 Speaker 1 like, stuck between things, right? I'm not actually, like... I'm not being allowed
00:21:43.968 Speaker 1 to return to regular life, [laughs] doing my job or getting lost in that. But also,
00:21:49.408 Speaker 1 there's, like, a vacuum on the other end too. None of these, like, supernatural or
00:21:53.628 Speaker 1 special experiences are happening. They're gone. I'm just depressed. Um, so that's
00:21:59.248 Speaker 1 the headspace I'm in, uh, for a while, like a little over a week, a week and a half,
00:22:04.168 Speaker 1 which doesn't seem like a long time, but after something like this happens to you,
00:22:07.368 Speaker 1 you can imagine the kind of doubt and dread that sinks in. Like, I can't talk to
00:22:12.228 Speaker 1 these people. It's gone. Gone, gone. And I'm like, "What the hell?" [laughs] Like,
00:22:17.348 Speaker 1 "This can't be... There's no way. What if this never comes back?" Like, that, I'm
00:22:21.128 Speaker 1 more afraid of that than I am, like, what if I'm crazy or this isn't real? Like,
00:22:25.208 Speaker 1 that ship has sailed at this point. Like, I still have doubts as to what it means
00:22:28.968 Speaker 1 or, like, that's just the human condition. But I'm far more afraid of the
00:22:33.028 Speaker 1 possibility that what if it was and it's just gone now? That's how I'm feeling.
00:22:40.908 Speaker 3 Hmm.
00:22:44.788 Speaker 1 So from there, like, what do you do about that? [laughs] That's what I'm sitting
00:22:48.988 Speaker 1 with, right? What would you do? It's not, it's not clear. Like, I'm obsessively
00:22:54.548 Speaker 1 poring over my journals. I've got so many journals. Like, what did I do to create
00:22:58.448 Speaker 1 this state? Like, I'm like a crazy person. Like, but not [laughs] because something
00:23:03.308 Speaker 1 crazy has happened to me, but because I want it back. [laughs] I want the magic
00:23:07.548 Speaker 1 back. Um, one night before my birthday, so it's been like a week and a half or
00:23:13.528 Speaker 1 so at this point since the experiences of the last, the end of the last episode.
00:23:19.548 Speaker 1 I can't sleep. Like, I'm trying to force, like, out-of-body experiences. I take, um,
00:23:24.708 Speaker 1 [tsks] there's a supplement you can take for lucid dreaming. I can't remember what
00:23:27.428 Speaker 1 it... It starts with a G. Galantamine, I think. Um-
00:23:30.288 Speaker 3 Mm-hmm.
00:23:31.228 Speaker 1 Nobody go start pounding this stuff. Like, [laughs] do your own research. Um, but,
00:23:36.268 Speaker 1 um, trying to force an out-of-body state, uh, which, you know, I'd had a few.
00:23:42.108 Speaker 1 Um, I'd been practicing that too, and it doesn't work. [laughs] Nothing happens. I
00:23:47.108 Speaker 1 end up just staying awake all night, basically all night, laying in my bed. This is
00:23:51.908 Speaker 1 two days before my birthday now. Um, I'm just, like, talking to myself. I'm, like,
00:23:57.868 Speaker 1 in this childlike state. It's so weird. Uh, I, I end up literally
00:24:03.508 Speaker 1 monologuing to myself for, like, six hours in bed, like, not sleeping, in my head,
00:24:07.868 Speaker 1 right? I'm like, "I'll wake up my wife." And I'm just talking about all sorts of
00:24:11.028 Speaker 1 things, and at some point, I notice that this is weird. Like, I even mention to
00:24:15.248 Speaker 1 myself, "Huh, where's the other part of me, like the other half of me that usually
00:24:19.068 Speaker 1 makes me sound smart when I say stuff? Because I feel very dumb right now." [laughs]
00:24:23.468 Speaker 1 Like-
00:24:24.068 Speaker 3 Hmm.
00:24:24.168 Speaker 1 Just like a child. I feel like a child. I remembered I spent 20 minutes just
00:24:28.944 Speaker 1 thinking about, "I wonder if I'll ever get to pet a fox. I wonder how soft a fox is.
00:24:34.584 Speaker 1 I bet they're so soft. I really want to pet a fox." Uh, literally for 20 minutes
00:24:40.424 Speaker 1 thinking about-
00:24:40.744 Speaker 2 Spoiler, you do get to pet a fox at some point, right? [laughs]
00:24:45.324 Speaker 1 So the next day, my wife announces to me, "By the way, for your birthday, you're
00:24:49.004 Speaker 1 taking the day off."
00:24:50.464 Speaker 2 Ah.
00:24:50.584 Speaker 1 "We are going to a capybara cafe where you get to pet capybaras and other animals,
00:24:56.244 Speaker 1 and I just heard that they have a fox, and you're going to get to pet it." We have
00:24:59.744 Speaker 1 not talked about this. I hadn't told her anything about this, and I'm like, "Oh my
00:25:02.744 Speaker 1 God." [laughs] It's like, click. Hey, don't forget, you're creating your own
00:25:08.204 Speaker 1 reality, buddy. Like, this is still true. Uh, do you wanna live in a depressive
00:25:13.124 Speaker 1 state where you get to do nothing, or maybe you could make something happen? And
00:25:18.924 Speaker 1 it's just like the turnaround was so fast that I just couldn't help but laugh. My
00:25:22.824 Speaker 1 computer unlocks. I can go back to work. I'm like, "Okay." It's like this, like,
00:25:27.344 Speaker 1 this block is gone. Um, I remember, like, desperately just
00:25:33.384 Speaker 1 being like, "I want this back. Like, I want this feeling. I'm done being depressed.
00:25:36.644 Speaker 1 I [laughs] don't wanna do it anymore. I'm done being depressed." And things start
00:25:41.704 Speaker 1 happening again, like really quickly, within hours of that.
00:25:46.684 Speaker 2 Hmm.
00:25:47.064 Speaker 1 Uh, I start having contact and experiences again. Um,
00:25:53.924 Speaker 1 I... The night before my birthday, I go to sleep, and I'm in a, having a dream, and
00:25:59.544 Speaker 1 m- a bunch of family members are at my childhood home, and I walk away from the
00:26:04.044 Speaker 1 party. I'm not lucid in this dream. It's just, you know, I'm just in it. And then I
00:26:08.604 Speaker 1 am in the pantry, and then I just hear a voice.
00:26:18.044 Speaker 2 Oh.
00:26:18.364 Speaker 1 And the voice is, it's my dad. Uh, and since most of the
00:26:24.384 Speaker 1 listeners won't know, my dad died a few years ago, and he just says, "Happy
00:26:29.524 Speaker 1 birthday, Steve." And I wake up because it shocks me. There's just, like, this
00:26:33.863 Speaker 1 electric, like, awareness. I'm rocketed into, like, awareness, like you might be
00:26:38.184 Speaker 1 from a sudden, like, nightmare, like when it scares you and knocks you out of it. I
00:26:41.884 Speaker 1 wake up because it has this different quality to it. Like, I know that it wasn't a
00:26:47.344 Speaker 1 dream. Like, it was him. It was, like, exactly the way he says it, and I wake
00:26:53.124 Speaker 1 up, and I'm just crying [laughs] like, 'cause I knew it was him. And, um,
00:26:59.044 Speaker 1 before I had gone to sleep that night, I usually just say goodnight, you know, like,
00:27:03.504 Speaker 1 like a kid says their prayers. I just say goodnight to everybody. At this point, why
00:27:06.244 Speaker 1 not, right? [laughs] Eh, you're out there. I know you can hear me, so I'll say
00:27:09.824 Speaker 1 goodnight to everybody. That night when I said goodnight, I heard, not audio, but
00:27:15.744 Speaker 1 thought, um, but to the point that it was heard, like 12 different people say
00:27:21.644 Speaker 1 goodnight and, like, happy birthday at the same time, like all overlapping. Like,
00:27:25.304 Speaker 1 it's just noise, like uh. [laughs] And I'm like, "Okay, that's never happened
00:27:31.064 Speaker 1 before." Normally, I just say goodnight, and it goes out into the void. [laughs] I
00:27:35.424 Speaker 1 wasn't trying to make anything happen. So, like, it's coming back to me now. It's
00:27:40.224 Speaker 1 coming back to me, and I'm coming back with a vengeance. Like, I'm motivated now.
00:27:44.844 Speaker 1 I'm s- coming out of the depression. It's amazing how you can go from, "Ah, it's all
00:27:49.224 Speaker 1 over. Nothing was real. This sucks. It's all gonna go away now," to just a little
00:27:54.744 Speaker 1 crack. You get a little crack, and a little light comes in. You're like, "Ah, I'm
00:27:59.004 Speaker 1 making this depression happen." Um, it, it's really just, like, a continual offer.
00:28:04.144 Speaker 1 There's been a number of times when this has happened to me. It's like a... And
00:28:07.344 Speaker 1 sometimes I've gotten, like, the direct quote. I read that in my meditation journal,
00:28:11.784 Speaker 1 like, right before this. "Which life do you want to live? You're the one that's
00:28:16.104 Speaker 1 choosing. What do you want? Which one you want?" That's all this is. [laughs] Like,
00:28:20.524 Speaker 1 you're being shown a choice. There's two paths here, buddy. It's not a one-time
00:28:24.384 Speaker 1 choice between red and blue. It's like a continual one, man. Which one you want? Do
00:28:28.644 Speaker 1 you wanna be, be depressed and scared and worried and go back to this, or do you
00:28:34.124 Speaker 1 want something new, something different? Like, it's up to you. [laughs] I want
00:28:39.984 Speaker 1 something new and different.
00:28:42.623 Speaker 1 And
00:28:44.563 Speaker 1 I'll say one more thing, and I'll, I'll pause there. I had gotten some guidance late
00:28:50.204 Speaker 1 in the year before, like December, so like a month or two before this,
00:28:56.364 Speaker 1 when I was in meditation, to wake up and remember, like,
00:29:02.264 Speaker 1 it's time. Like, very certainly, like coming down from, like, above, this, like,
00:29:06.484 Speaker 1 this pressure. It was like, "This is a very important message for you. You need to
00:29:10.784 Speaker 1 wake up and remember. It's time to do that now." And I had been receiving the word
00:29:16.864 Speaker 1 see over and over and over again in liminal experiences and dreams
00:29:23.724 Speaker 1 all the time.
00:29:26.204 Speaker 1 And that those three words, and another one which we'll get to later if it ever
00:29:30.124 Speaker 1 becomes relevant, which I'm focused on now, getting those over and over again like a
00:29:35.564 Speaker 1 mantra. Like, this is your task. Listen, you want this. Like, you wanna know where
00:29:39.864 Speaker 1 this is going? You wanna know? [laughs] Like, here it is. Here's your task. Like
00:29:44.524 Speaker 1 you're handing, like, the portfolio. Here's your buzzwords. You need to see. You
00:29:48.444 Speaker 1 need to wake up. You need to remember. The, um, just, like, this incredible
00:29:53.824 Speaker 1 importance, like this weight behind this, like a, a mantra that I would come to
00:29:57.984 Speaker 1 repeat over and over again, and this would become, like, the quest, right? Here's
00:30:01.844 Speaker 1 your quest, man. I mean, not the ultimate quest, but, like, here's... You wanna see
00:30:06.264 Speaker 1 where this goes? Like, take this, and take, and see where it goes. Here's your task.
00:30:15.304 Speaker 2 Hmm.
00:30:18.744 Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a lot. Um,
00:30:21.724 Speaker 2 I resonate with the, um,
00:30:25.444 Speaker 2 cycling through periods of elation and Uh, what feels like growth
00:30:31.336 Speaker 2 and expansion, and then coming back into how you describe more depressive states,
00:30:37.376 Speaker 2 more periods like that. Um,
00:30:41.516 Speaker 2 I like to think, from my own personal experience, I like to think of those periods
00:30:44.996 Speaker 2 differently. Like, I don't, I don't think I could ev- could be potent- like, um,
00:30:51.296 Speaker 2 I don't think it would be healthy for me to be forever in the expansive state, you
00:30:56.396 Speaker 2 know? I need to cycle back into... I, I, I think the word depress-
00:30:59.156 Speaker 1 Yeah, cancer
00:30:59.416 Speaker 2 ... depression, personally, is, like, negative. It's actually like, um... I like to
00:31:04.316 Speaker 2 think of the yin and yang principles. So, like, the, you know, maybe the periods
00:31:09.076 Speaker 2 where, like, you're making, you know,
00:31:12.616 Speaker 2 contact experiences and going deeper in meditation or, um... That also, for me,
00:31:17.236 Speaker 2 parallels, um, productive periods in my work, and focus and clarity a lot of times.
00:31:23.036 Speaker 2 You know, there's, like, yang, um, more, like, extroverted energy and then, you
00:31:27.676 Speaker 2 know, that energy always, uh, exhausts itself and has to shift back into the more
00:31:33.216 Speaker 2 restful period, you know? But when you've been experiencing this, like, these highs
00:31:38.576 Speaker 2 and these elated states and, uh, excitement, you know, it's like, [chuckles] I just
00:31:43.036 Speaker 2 wanna hold onto that, you know? I think the tension comes when you're, like,
00:31:46.656 Speaker 2 grasping, you know? Or at least for me. Uh, that you wanna keep in one state over
00:31:51.176 Speaker 2 another. The shifting is always difficult. Um, but yeah, it was cool to see-- cool
00:31:57.116 Speaker 2 to hear in your story how you're shifting from one to the other and, um, yeah,
00:32:02.856 Speaker 2 getting the, [chuckles] like, the, the red pill, blue pill. It's also like this, you
00:32:07.936 Speaker 2 know, we've talked about integration. How do you integrate these big experiences
00:32:11.476 Speaker 2 into real life, you know? How do you begin to weave it more into, you know, when
00:32:16.816 Speaker 2 you're at work? Or, uh, how does your work shift, you know? How do your
00:32:20.496 Speaker 2 relationships shift once you have had these kinds of experiences?
00:32:25.856 Speaker 1 So up until this point, like,
00:32:29.176 Speaker 1 I'd kind of forgotten about these, like, mantras, like, sort of quest lines. Like,
00:32:33.036 Speaker 1 these just, like, pointers to, like, where to go next. I sort of sto- I stopped
00:32:38.596 Speaker 1 having an internal locus of control. Like, I expected, like, to be given the next
00:32:42.596 Speaker 1 steps. And that don't, that, that don't work. I'm gonna let y'all know right now,
00:32:46.416 Speaker 1 you decide to embark on this path, you start expecting somebody else, anybody else,
00:32:51.116 Speaker 1 to tell you what to do. Yoink. It's quiet. You're gonna get nothing.
00:32:55.996 Speaker 1 [chuckles] Uh-uh. That's not how this works. You have to be- you have to decide who
00:33:00.756 Speaker 1 you wanna be at every step. This is, this is a you thing. You're gonna be helped
00:33:04.676 Speaker 1 along to figure out who you are and learn more about the world and reality and, you
00:33:10.596 Speaker 1 know, yourself beyond this life. All these things. But it's gonna be you who's doing
00:33:15.376 Speaker 1 it. If at any point in time you start to become entitled, or you just begin to
00:33:20.936 Speaker 1 display learned helplessness, or you're just expecting handouts or somebody else to,
00:33:25.516 Speaker 1 to guide you, no. Any good teacher is gonna be like, "Stepping into the background.
00:33:31.136 Speaker 1 I'm gone now." Now you struggle until you f- remember, "Ah, crap.
00:33:37.336 Speaker 1 I can do this." Like, I-
00:33:38.676 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm
00:33:38.776 Speaker 1 ... gotta dig down deep and remember like, "You know, I got this far," I'm gonna say
00:33:43.176 Speaker 1 entirely on my own, "but I made this happen. Like, I can do it again." So there's
00:33:47.556 Speaker 1 that. But then there's also trying to actually apply what I'd learned. Like,
00:33:53.716 Speaker 1 trying to see the world as, like, me. Like, I remembered what it felt like, even
00:33:59.656 Speaker 1 though I was just, like, put into, like, this simulated state. Like, I remembered
00:34:03.356 Speaker 1 what it felt like. So I'm trying to recapture that feeling. Like, I know it's true,
00:34:07.476 Speaker 1 but it's a conceptual thing. I know that I am, like, my whole reality. I remembered
00:34:12.156 Speaker 1 what it felt like.
00:34:14.716 Speaker 1 But I don't feel like that right now. I feel like a guy sitting in an office chair
00:34:18.156 Speaker 1 in an empty office. [chuckles]
00:34:19.756 Speaker 2 [chuckles]
00:34:19.876 Speaker 1 I have to drive an hour and a half home now in a, in a little bit here. [chuckles]
00:34:24.516 Speaker 1 Like, that's what I felt like. So I'm trying to put these together, while at the
00:34:28.256 Speaker 1 same time, you know, I, I'm a dad. Like, I... My kids are acting up or they're
00:34:34.276 Speaker 1 fine or whatever. Like, uh, there's regular stresses. And, like, it keeps taking
00:34:38.116 Speaker 1 over and intruding. So it's just, like, this constant fight to, like, keep this
00:34:42.156 Speaker 1 real. Like, to recapture this, like, feeling. Like, it's so quiet and so easy to
00:34:47.355 Speaker 1 push into the background of human life. Um, but I, I don't want it to be that way. I
00:34:52.676 Speaker 1 want it at the foreground. I want to change. Like, I want to see the world for what
00:34:56.996 Speaker 1 it really is. I want more awareness. I want more control. I wanna know who I am.
00:35:00.056 Speaker 1 [chuckles] What the hell does this mean? What do you want me to see? What am I
00:35:04.096 Speaker 1 waking up from?
00:35:05.416 Speaker 2 Mm.
00:35:05.456 Speaker 1 It's maddening. Like, I know there's more, but, like, I'm... I feel the gravity of,
00:35:10.576 Speaker 1 like, culture and regular, like, human life and corporate America and suburbs and,
00:35:15.136 Speaker 1 like, busyness just, like, pulling me in over and over again. It's like I'm trying
00:35:19.216 Speaker 1 to climb up a muddy slope over and over-
00:35:20.996 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm
00:35:21.116 Speaker 1 ... just being pulled back down. And I know it too, and I get a bad attitude, and I
00:35:25.256 Speaker 1 get emotional. I don't, I don't wanna do it. So I'm fighting all these forces. At
00:35:30.076 Speaker 1 the same time, it's like I'm also, like, keeping my meditation habit. But I'm
00:35:34.076 Speaker 1 getting more and more serious about it. Doing more, well more than my hour sit for
00:35:37.876 Speaker 1 now. Like, I... Now I'm, like, starting to push two hours sometimes. Like, I'm
00:35:42.476 Speaker 1 serious. And I keep focusing on this mantra and setting the intention. I want these
00:35:47.716 Speaker 1 things, whatever they are. I'm trying to open to this, and I'm playing all these
00:35:51.296 Speaker 1 mini-games that you know about from, like, um, the Techniques of Transcendence
00:35:54.596 Speaker 1 course that we did. Trying to not judge myself. I'm trying to grow as a person. I'm
00:35:58.916 Speaker 1 trying not to get-- let go of shame. I'm doing all these other things. Like, I'm
00:36:03.456 Speaker 1 trying to have even reactions to stuff. I'm... So I'm doing all these things at the
00:36:08.836 Speaker 1 same time. It's not any one thing, but I'm [chuckles] throwing the kitchen sink at
00:36:11.596 Speaker 1 this because, like,
00:36:13.976 Speaker 1 put the pedal to the metal here, man. Like, I want whatever it is I'm trying to be
00:36:17.836 Speaker 1 shown, and I'm, I'm fighting for it. And it feels like a fight. It's whiplash, up
00:36:23.276 Speaker 1 and down. And this is, like, over the span of, like, the next month or so. Um, so
00:36:28.616 Speaker 1 that's what it feels like.
00:36:32.152 Speaker 1 Every morning, I want to wake up. I want to remember. What are you trying to show
00:36:36.552 Speaker 1 me? What am I trying to see? I sit down and I meditate. I try to remember constant-
00:36:41.152 Speaker 1 I'm constantly trying to draw myself back into this, and there's this-- I begin to
00:36:44.472 Speaker 1 notice that
00:36:46.832 Speaker 1 meditation gets me to these higher states where I feel certain that, yeah, I'm on
00:36:50.112 Speaker 1 the right path. This is working, or I'm starting to get insights. But then
00:36:55.692 Speaker 1 outside of that, in maybe like liminal states, like I get pulled back into the slog
00:36:59.392 Speaker 1 during the day. I'm getting pulled down the muddy slope, and I'm just like, I forget
00:37:02.532 Speaker 1 about it. I, you know, I'm getting drawn into whatever I'm doing. Um, I get upset.
00:37:08.152 Speaker 1 You know, regular human life. I'm just regular Steven, and all of this goes away. I
00:37:11.992 Speaker 1 don't think about it again. It's like, there's so much whiplash, and I realize the
00:37:16.532 Speaker 1 importance of needing to like integrate this into my life. Like I need-
00:37:20.472 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm
00:37:20.472 Speaker 1 ... to live as if it was, this were true all the time.
00:37:23.852 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.
00:37:24.212 Speaker 1 Like, I can't-- If I really want this to change, like if I really want to live a new
00:37:29.132 Speaker 1 life and like see the reality as, as it is or unveil it, it's gotta be at
00:37:35.112 Speaker 1 the center, right? I'm still gonna be Steven and live my life and do my job and
00:37:39.372 Speaker 1 write my book and all the other stuff, right? Be a dad. But this has to be like at
00:37:43.772 Speaker 1 the center. So I start to put it at the center, and I take it very seriously. It's,
00:37:48.752 Speaker 1 seems like such a subtle thing to be like, "Oh, this is a thing I do in meditation,"
00:37:53.112 Speaker 1 or maybe I, I set an intention before I go to bed, or when I f- I notice, right?
00:37:58.392 Speaker 1 Throughout the day. But now it's like trying to invert it, trying to be like that
00:38:03.152 Speaker 1 all the time, and I, I'm trying to catch when I'm acting like I don't actually
00:38:07.652 Speaker 1 believe I am my whole reality or these amazing things are happening. There's a life
00:38:11.992 Speaker 1 beyond death. We could technically-
00:38:13.732 Speaker 2 Hmm
00:38:13.732 Speaker 1 ... do anything. All these things, right? I'm trying to
00:38:18.612 Speaker 1 sear those beliefs in so deep that like that is my default state. And the other way
00:38:22.972 Speaker 1 around, yeah, I'm technically typing on a keyboard right now to write some corporate
00:38:27.892 Speaker 1 software. Like, that's just the thing I'm doing right now, and we can all, we can
00:38:31.272 Speaker 1 all laugh about it, but like I still have to do it, but still-
00:38:34.372 Speaker 2 Hmm
00:38:34.592 Speaker 1 ... it's not who I am. And I'm trying to do that. See, wake up, remember,
00:38:40.492 Speaker 1 over and over and over again. I'm setting the intention. With a lot-- I'm sort of
00:38:43.612 Speaker 1 glossing over how, [chuckles] how desperate I feel at times. I want this so
00:38:49.272 Speaker 1 badly. And boy, do I ever start to see, wake up, and
00:38:55.092 Speaker 1 remember. [chuckles] It starts to happen. Um, so I'll pause there, see if you have
00:39:00.752 Speaker 1 anything you wanna ask before I, I tell you. But that was a long time to go without
00:39:05.892 Speaker 1 validation. Doesn't seem that long. What was this, two months maybe? You know, I
00:39:10.152 Speaker 1 start to have some contact and like, again, like offhand experiences again.
00:39:16.192 Speaker 1 But they're not like what I experienced in the Reality 101 thing. This is, "Whoa,
00:39:21.332 Speaker 1 this is happening. I am learning a lot, and this is... I'm in another place. This is
00:39:25.852 Speaker 1 more real than where I was." That's not happening anymore, right? So it's been about
00:39:31.412 Speaker 1 a two-month span before things like that start to trickle back into my life, which
00:39:35.332 Speaker 1 is a [chuckles] really long-- It's 60 days. That's a long time to go. [chuckles]
00:39:39.972 Speaker 1 Doesn't seem like it, but I felt every one of those days.
00:39:44.352 Speaker 2 Hmm.
00:39:48.872 Speaker 2 Yeah, I like the,
00:39:51.852 Speaker 2 um, idea of mini-games- [chuckles]
00:39:54.372 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm
00:39:54.592 Speaker 2 ... you mentioned. Um, and I like your framing of it of like, oh, I'm working on
00:39:59.672 Speaker 2 myself as like different mini-games or side quests. Um, I also, uh, in,
00:40:05.972 Speaker 2 you know, engaging with a lot of this material and having, you know, liminal state
00:40:09.952 Speaker 2 experiences myself and coming into more and more of this, um, perception that, you
00:40:15.232 Speaker 2 know, consciousness is fundamental. Um,
00:40:20.232 Speaker 2 who I really am precedes this physical form and, uh, won't finish,
00:40:26.092 Speaker 2 won't stop when it ends. Um, out-of-body experiences, all these things, it's like
00:40:31.712 Speaker 2 these are little data points that I'm gathering, and then talking to people like you
00:40:35.592 Speaker 2 and hearing your experiences and other people who have had mind-bending experiences.
00:40:39.892 Speaker 2 We have a friend, Kate, who's just [chuckles] had quite an incredible... We should
00:40:43.772 Speaker 2 have her on at some time to tell her story.
00:40:45.792 Speaker 1 Yeah.
00:40:46.052 Speaker 2 Quite an incredible experience. That just points to the fact that like, wow, this,
00:40:51.072 Speaker 2 you know, the idea that this is a simulation, it really feels that way. Um, or it
00:40:56.332 Speaker 2 seems that way. Like the data adding up seems that way. So more and more I'm
00:41:00.092 Speaker 2 starting, trying to kind of live into that perception on a day-to-day basis and be
00:41:04.852 Speaker 2 like, all the little things that would have annoyed me are like, okay, if I was in a
00:41:09.072 Speaker 2 video game-
00:41:10.232 Speaker 1 Hmm
00:41:10.352 Speaker 2 ... if I was in a MMORPG, massively mult- massive multiplayer online video
00:41:16.332 Speaker 2 game, role-playing game. I used to play World of Warcraft-
00:41:18.752 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:41:18.852 Speaker 2 ... and other games like that. So, uh, I can resonate with that. I've played a lot
00:41:22.352 Speaker 2 of video games in my life. If this was happening in a video game version, if I was
00:41:27.192 Speaker 2 in a video game now and this thing happened, this would be like a little fun side
00:41:31.752 Speaker 2 quest or mini-game. Like, you know, the kids arguing and one of them spills Cheerios
00:41:37.272 Speaker 2 all over the floor. Ooh, now it's a mini-game to pick up all the Cheerios and put
00:41:40.772 Speaker 2 them back. [chuckles] And just like trying to reframe my life and all of my
00:41:45.412 Speaker 2 experiences that, from that perception has really shifted things for me. Um, it just
00:41:50.612 Speaker 2 brings more levity. It's like this is all just like an experience. This is all kind
00:41:54.572 Speaker 2 of like the point. It's fun, you know? It's meant to be fun and engaging and a
00:41:58.552 Speaker 2 challenge. Um, and then another, uh, thing I've been
00:42:04.472 Speaker 2 trying to sort of like live into that more, this has also come through our
00:42:08.252 Speaker 2 conversations, is to think of this body as a
00:42:14.072 Speaker 2 vehicle. Kinda like I'm sitting in this car. You know? [chuckles] I'm like, "This is
00:42:17.852 Speaker 2 my flesh suit. This is my..." [chuckles] I don't know if anyone's seen the, the show
00:42:23.392 Speaker 2 E- Evangelion. There's like these... They're like, it's like a, like giant robots
00:42:28.632 Speaker 2 that people pilot, but the robots are actually like living giant robot, like robotic
00:42:33.892 Speaker 2 flesh robots or something. I don't know. But it's wild and really weird. Um- And I,
00:42:39.232 Speaker 2 it was formative for me watching that show, so I'm like, "This is-- I'm kinda like
00:42:42.152 Speaker 2 in a, an Evangelion suit right now," [chuckles] 'cause I'm navigating my mundane
00:42:46.412 Speaker 2 reality. And then you go, and you have these liminal state experiences, and then
00:42:50.432 Speaker 2 they confirm, yeah, um,
00:42:53.752 Speaker 2 this reality isn't base reality. [chuckles]
00:42:57.892 Speaker 1 It is not.
00:42:59.432 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:43:00.032 Speaker 1 So those little things that you're doing continuously, they're not just, like, a fun
00:43:03.872 Speaker 1 anecdote. Like, that is what opens you up to have these big breakthrough
00:43:07.552 Speaker 1 experiences. Doesn't seem like it. It's, it was maddening for so long. I can say
00:43:12.812 Speaker 1 that now, but at this point in time where we're talking in the story, like, I still
00:43:15.972 Speaker 1 had not, like... I didn't truly believe, like, at a low level. Like, it hadn't sunk
00:43:21.972 Speaker 1 all the way in that
00:43:24.532 Speaker 1 I made this happen. Like, uh, well, I o-opened it up enough for it to happen, right?
00:43:30.172 Speaker 1 I'm not gonna pretend I did it all alone. But the things you just described,
00:43:33.932 Speaker 1 recontextualizing how you see life, you know, working on yourself, personal
00:43:38.612 Speaker 1 development, like, changing your perspective on what is really happening, is what
00:43:42.931 Speaker 1 opens up the possibility for these breakthrough moments which give you more insight,
00:43:48.372 Speaker 1 and awareness, and control, and validation to do it again. Like, that's how it
00:43:53.952 Speaker 1 becomes exponential. But it always starts so small. It always starts so small.
00:43:59.932 Speaker 1 Um, I've got a quote in one of these journals, again from mother. It's like, in
00:44:04.472 Speaker 1 meditation, it's like, I don't get a lot of verbal communication from her
00:44:09.392 Speaker 1 specifically. Hands off. [chuckles] This is your life. [chuckles] You do it.
00:44:15.552 Speaker 1 But sometimes, and this one time I did, and I'll look up the quote for another
00:44:20.092 Speaker 1 episode, uh, when we talk more about this topic. But she was saying, "Just keep
00:44:25.972 Speaker 1 going." Like, almost like, you know, like your child is distraught. Like, [chuckles]
00:44:30.352 Speaker 1 "Sorry you're struggling," but it always feels like imagination. It always starts in
00:44:36.032 Speaker 1 imagination. That's how it starts. Like, you have to believe it first, and it starts
00:44:40.772 Speaker 1 so small, but you just have to, like, let it grow. Like, I know it starts feeling
00:44:46.672 Speaker 1 im-imaginary, but that's how it always happens. Like, you have to, like, let that
00:44:50.612 Speaker 1 happen in order to get to a point where it's not just imaginary. It's happening in
00:44:54.852 Speaker 1 the rest of your life, too. But you'll, basically, you're never gonna get there if
00:44:59.152 Speaker 1 you keep stomping on it. You're gonna stay where you are. And so it's this,
00:45:05.112 Speaker 1 these little games that we play to open ourselves up. Constantly meditating, saying
00:45:09.812 Speaker 1 these mantras over and over again. That's great, but if you can work it into the
00:45:12.432 Speaker 1 rest of your life, that is what, like, shifts how you see things. It doesn't
00:45:18.032 Speaker 1 immediately show up in your life. Like, your life gets better. Personal development
00:45:21.892 Speaker 1 is great, and you get those benefits, but it is doing something unseen. It is
00:45:27.452 Speaker 1 opening up some aperture and potential that you can't see.
00:45:31.852 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.
00:45:31.872 Speaker 1 And it takes a while.
00:45:34.492 Speaker 1 So I start to get some breakthrough experiences. I wanna remember, [chuckles] and I
00:45:38.952 Speaker 1 wanna wake up. And I start to. So I start to go through experiences
00:45:44.832 Speaker 1 where I wake up in profound states, and I realize that there is, like,
00:45:50.652 Speaker 1 more to me specifically. Uh, to give you a short example, I'd had previews of these
00:45:55.732 Speaker 1 experiences before. In earlier, in one of my depressive states in, like, January,
00:45:59.892 Speaker 1 'cause we're now in late February in the timeline,
00:46:04.172 Speaker 1 you know, just sort of beating myself up. I don't know what I was saying. Eh, I'm
00:46:07.912 Speaker 1 never gonna do this. This sucks. I don't know. [chuckles] Whatever, right? And I'd
00:46:11.592 Speaker 1 been doing it for a little while. It was supposed to be a meditation, ended up just
00:46:14.312 Speaker 1 being a wine fest. About halfway through one of my thoughts,
00:46:19.672 Speaker 1 I hear my own voice. Like, hear it. [chuckles] You haven't lived until you hear,
00:46:25.492 Speaker 1 heard yourself talk to you. And, like, ball up my thought, like the one I was abo-
00:46:31.152 Speaker 1 trying to think, like crumble up a piece of paper, and throw it away. Like, the
00:46:35.272 Speaker 1 thought is gone. Like, I'm trying to form it, and it's, "Look, uh, I can't." It's
00:46:39.592 Speaker 1 just gone. And they tell me, "You are not useless. [chuckles] Stop it." [chuckles]
00:46:45.172 Speaker 1 I'm like, "But it's my own voice." And, like, there's no response after that. I'm
00:46:48.672 Speaker 1 like, "What the hell?" [chuckles] So a lot of people talked about having a higher
00:46:53.392 Speaker 1 self and, like, you know there's more of you outside of this place, right? It
00:46:57.532 Speaker 1 doesn't all fit in your human existence. You can call it heaven, you can call it the
00:47:00.352 Speaker 1 afterlife, you can call it other dimensions. I don't care. Call it outside the
00:47:03.352 Speaker 1 simulation. Whatever your worldview is, there's more of you than you are aware of
00:47:07.532 Speaker 1 here, right? And it's doing stuff. For some of us, I, I think it's asleep.
00:47:13.632 Speaker 1 One day in February, late February, I wake up as this higher self, like, completely
00:47:18.932 Speaker 1 embodied in my l- current existence. That day is far too profound and weird to
00:47:24.752 Speaker 1 describe here. You're familiar with the experience, I think. It's on my blog. That
00:47:29.372 Speaker 1 is the dancing starlight dude in jeans experience. I'm not going to go into it in
00:47:33.752 Speaker 1 detail here, only that I'd received validation, oh, there is definitely more of me,
00:47:37.832 Speaker 1 and I, [chuckles] I am him right now in my life. I didn't have his memories, but I'm
00:47:43.012 Speaker 1 like, "Whoa. Okay. This is weird." And then a few days later,
00:47:49.612 Speaker 1 I have another experience where I feel like I am, like, a field of
00:47:55.192 Speaker 1 awareness from a single point. I, I don't have any of, like, my memories. I wake up
00:47:59.912 Speaker 1 just like, "Whoa." [chuckles] And I am completely unattached from my life. It's, uh,
00:48:05.872 Speaker 1 like I'm being shown another perspective of self. Like, I am, like, the field of
00:48:09.632 Speaker 1 consciousness from the point of Steven. I'm no longer Steven. It's almost, like,
00:48:12.652 Speaker 1 outside my own soul. It's very weird. It's a strange experience. I think, uh, it's,
00:48:18.232 Speaker 1 these are, like, Atman and Brahman experiences, because I get a, a follow-up
00:48:21.652 Speaker 1 experience right after that where I am, like, this ray of light. This is after I
00:48:26.552 Speaker 1 wake up. I've, I'm feeling these things. Like, these are happening to me. I'm a ray
00:48:31.472 Speaker 1 of light that's, like, being shined through a bunch of, like, fractal prisms, and
00:48:35.492 Speaker 1 every time it goes through the prism is like, this is, like, a conscious entity.
00:48:38.992 Speaker 1 It's like a part of myself, and that at the end of the line where the light is
00:48:43.332 Speaker 1 shining, hitting, it's like- Where I am now. Like, but it's already gone through all
00:48:48.232 Speaker 1 these other changes, and like, but I'm like all the light as well. So if you take
00:48:53.152 Speaker 1 the first experience, that's like me completely unfiltered, and then you shine it
00:48:57.172 Speaker 1 through all these [chuckles] lenses, and then you get me where I am here. Really
00:49:02.992 Speaker 1 weird, really weird experiences, but they all feel like me. At no point in time do
00:49:07.052 Speaker 1 they feel like someone else. And I feel like I'm being shown, like, different
00:49:12.252 Speaker 1 perspectives of like these are all true. Like, you're definitely not just this guy
00:49:17.172 Speaker 1 in this body. That is happening. But also check this out, and check this out,
00:49:21.452 Speaker 1 [chuckles] and check this out.
00:49:22.172 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.
00:49:22.812 Speaker 1 These are also true, and they all felt like me.
00:49:27.272 Speaker 1 And so these keep me motivated, and I know that stuff is happening.
00:49:33.492 Speaker 1 But it's not easy. I still become depressive. After each of these experiences, it's
00:49:37.252 Speaker 1 like [chuckles] you know, there's a comedown. I can't repeat it, or I can't do it on
00:49:42.332 Speaker 1 purpose. So many of these things are just happening to me, and it's very
00:49:44.972 Speaker 1 frustrating. I'm getting insights, and lots of incredible things are happening,
00:49:48.332 Speaker 1 which we'll cover in many other episodes. But I never lose the plot of this, like,
00:49:53.292 Speaker 1 main thread. I want reality 102. I wanna know what the heck is going on here. I
00:49:58.752 Speaker 1 wanna know who I really am. What's going on? What do you mean see? What am I
00:50:02.472 Speaker 1 supposed to see? What am I waking up from? Who am I? What am I remembering?
00:50:06.992 Speaker 1 [chuckles] I never lose this plot, so I'm starting to get, like, little pieces. They
00:50:12.452 Speaker 1 don't fit together. There's no cohesiveness. There's no connection between all these
00:50:16.832 Speaker 1 experiences. But I mention these only because I'm getting results now. But they're
00:50:20.612 Speaker 1 like piecemeal, like a dart. There's no pattern. I can't find a, a narrative through
00:50:24.912 Speaker 1 it all to make sense of it. I don't understand what it means. So I'll pause there
00:50:29.872 Speaker 1 before we get to, you know, at least a partial reveal.
00:50:33.772 Speaker 1 [chuckles] 'Cause it works.
00:50:46.152 Speaker 2 Hmm.
00:50:52.132 Speaker 2 Hmm. Yeah, I'm wondering if all of these different,
00:50:55.211 Speaker 2 uh, experiences are continuously, like, having their own experience. Are they aware
00:51:00.792 Speaker 2 of you? Uh, are they also seeking integration? Like, you know, the, these are all
00:51:06.512 Speaker 2 different aspects of self, experiences that unfold within the broader
00:51:12.112 Speaker 2 reality, uh, consciousness landscape. Uh, is there a
00:51:17.852 Speaker 2 plane where, you know, we're all pinpricks of light, or we're all [chuckles]
00:51:23.372 Speaker 2 inhabiting our higher self and interacting in that way, uh, and these are all
00:51:28.652 Speaker 2 happening simultaneously on different levels?
00:51:33.712 Speaker 2 There's a lot to grok here. [laughs] Yeah.
00:51:36.752 Speaker 1 I think we're gonna gloss over that part, because we've got so many damn selves.
00:51:41.312 Speaker 1 Like I, I've started to make a list of all the, like, valid other perspectives that
00:51:46.012 Speaker 1 I've felt like myself-
00:51:47.792 Speaker 2 Mm
00:51:47.792 Speaker 1 ... but not like Steven, and it's a growing list. And it's so bizarre, because every
00:51:53.212 Speaker 1 time you never feel like, you know, you've been taken over or you're somebody else
00:51:56.572 Speaker 1 now. Like, it always feels like you, and it almost always feels like a superset of
00:52:00.452 Speaker 1 you. Like-
00:52:01.312 Speaker 2 Mm
00:52:01.332 Speaker 1 ... oh yeah, I still have my memories and all that. Like, I get to keep all that.
00:52:04.352 Speaker 1 But also I'm all this, this other thing going on. So I mention those only to say
00:52:09.892 Speaker 1 that I'm beginning to remember, right? There's multiple, like, threads here. I'm
00:52:15.292 Speaker 1 beginning to remember, like, parts of, like, who I am outside of this, like, life.
00:52:21.292 Speaker 1 Um, it feels like remembering, because it feels familiar. And hopefully, you know,
00:52:26.212 Speaker 1 we'll do a whole episode on, like, higher selves and alternate selves. But I'd just
00:52:30.032 Speaker 1 offer the reassurance that it always feels like you. That's the most surprising
00:52:33.252 Speaker 1 thing, 'cause I often feared this experience of, like, opening up, and like, I
00:52:38.072 Speaker 1 didn't like having other selves or other parts of selves. Like, I don't like the
00:52:41.872 Speaker 1 idea that there's other parts of me outside my awareness, [chuckles] conscious
00:52:45.032 Speaker 1 awareness. But every time, like, when I get the direct experience, and it's no
00:52:49.912 Speaker 1 longer-
00:52:50.972 Speaker 2 Oh, no, you're-- I was, I was just doing that gesture to kind of like imagine what
00:52:54.192 Speaker 2 you're, what you're ex- explaining. So it's like you're a small self-
00:52:58.152 Speaker 1 Yeah
00:52:58.272 Speaker 2 ... your ego-based self. But then when you have these experiences, it's kind of like
00:53:02.152 Speaker 2 concentric circles or like a widening frame. So it's not like you are-- Like your
00:53:07.592 Speaker 2 small, your small self is still there, but you're just like, "Oh, this is actually
00:53:11.832 Speaker 2 who I am." I mean, I've had these experiences numerous times in psychedelic
00:53:15.532 Speaker 2 journeys.
00:53:16.272 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.
00:53:16.612 Speaker 2 It'd always be like this ex- uh, it felt-- I began to describe it as like, uh, my,
00:53:21.492 Speaker 2 my exper- my experiences are very different from yours, but it felt like I was s-
00:53:26.312 Speaker 2 unzipping my skin and, like, taking off my clothes and being like, "Oh, this is who
00:53:31.372 Speaker 2 I really am." Kind of getting back in touch with this, like, essence. Um, and then,
00:53:35.932 Speaker 2 you know, the journey ends, and I congeal back into, uh, my small self, and there's
00:53:41.692 Speaker 2 a kind of forgetting [chuckles] and getting lost like you've described, you know-
00:53:46.712 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm
00:53:46.712 Speaker 2 ... these depressive periods. Um, and then I'm just like, "Oh." Had to have an
00:53:52.652 Speaker 2 experience again. It's like, "Oh yeah, why do I keep forgetting? Why do I keep
00:53:55.792 Speaker 2 forgetting? Why do I keep forgetting?"
00:53:59.732 Speaker 2 Yeah. Anyways, just, uh, trying to make sense of this. But it's also interesting,
00:54:04.552 Speaker 2 like you're sort of like there's all these different angles, like, uh, perceiving
00:54:09.012 Speaker 2 yourself from or, like, versions of yourself through.
00:54:13.492 Speaker 2 Yeah.
00:54:14.332 Speaker 1 Yeah. So all of that is crazy. It feels good. Um, but I have never
00:54:20.232 Speaker 1 lost, like, the main thread here. I wanna recapture that state that I had at the end
00:54:24.632 Speaker 1 of Reality 101. Why do I not feel like I have, like, power and awareness? I'm going
00:54:28.692 Speaker 1 through all this stuff, but it just feels piecemeal. When do I get to feel like
00:54:32.292 Speaker 1 that? Like, when do I get to know? Like, what's on the other side of this? Like,
00:54:36.592 Speaker 1 punching this stupid veil. Like, what is this crap? I keep getting little pinpricks,
00:54:41.592 Speaker 1 like a little, little light coming through. Um, so one day, uh, what is this? April
00:54:47.512 Speaker 1 8th now. This is a long time. It's been four- Almost four and a half months since
00:54:52.868 Speaker 1 that experience. It's been a slog. It's been amazing, up and down, a lot of
00:54:57.188 Speaker 1 whiplash. And I sit down for a meditation. And this entire experience is also
00:55:02.708 Speaker 1 documented on the blog. This one is called See.
00:55:06.848 Speaker 1 But I'll count enough of it here so that we can converse. I sit down for a
00:55:10.388 Speaker 1 meditation, which is otherwise, honestly, a pretty crappy meditation. It ends up
00:55:14.168 Speaker 1 being an hour of just like a wine fest. And I had, and I started doing this
00:55:19.588 Speaker 1 recently, but I remember praying, which is very unusual for me. So I'm
00:55:25.588 Speaker 1 former atheist. Now I'm
00:55:29.428 Speaker 1 anti-organized religion. I don't know what you call it. I know. I
00:55:35.448 Speaker 1 know there's stuff out there. I mean, look at the sign off of the show. Everything
00:55:38.908 Speaker 1 loves you. Like that's, if that's not spiritual and cosmic, I don't know what is. So
00:55:42.688 Speaker 1 there we go. We worked it in. But I remember praying. Like,
00:55:47.928 Speaker 1 come on.
00:55:50.608 Speaker 1 Give this to me. Like, I've been working so hard here. Like, come on. Give me
00:55:56.507 Speaker 1 something. And I start seeing these visuals. Like, it's the end of an hour
00:56:01.748 Speaker 1 meditation. I'm stone cold sober, man. This is like,
00:56:07.328 Speaker 1 I may as well not have meditated, right? It's just a wine fest in the closet. Plus,
00:56:11.528 Speaker 1 you know, a little sincere praying. And I start to see some visuals. This is not
00:56:16.408 Speaker 1 completely unusual for me. Sometimes I get like little visuals. I call it draw
00:56:19.888 Speaker 1 sight. It's just images. We'll talk about it when we get to mindsight and other
00:56:23.588 Speaker 1 kinds of stuff later on. I see some symbols like, oh, that's cool. And then they
00:56:28.828 Speaker 1 start to get really vivid. So I am seeing these. These are in the visual field. I'm
00:56:32.468 Speaker 1 sitting in my walk-in closet. It's dark, but I can see them whether my eyes are open
00:56:36.028 Speaker 1 or closed. They're being drawn into my visual field. And like, oh, that's cool. And
00:56:41.268 Speaker 1 then they get rainbow colored and extremely vivid. I'm like, okay, this is pretty
00:56:46.328 Speaker 1 weird because normally I got to be in a really altered state to get visuals like
00:56:49.908 Speaker 1 this. This is, it's pretty weird to have this happen to you when you're just in a
00:56:54.668 Speaker 1 regular state. I'm a little whiny. I'm in a bad mood. And like, I'm seeing like all
00:56:59.588 Speaker 1 these geometric shapes, like rainbow colored bubble wrap. I'm zooming through planes
00:57:05.208 Speaker 1 and like tesseracts, all these crazy shapes and like spirals and just
00:57:11.148 Speaker 1 insane visuals. Like off the charts music visualization, like rainbow visuals. Like,
00:57:16.708 Speaker 1 whoa. And this is so wild that I'm watching this for like an hour and a half,
00:57:22.708 Speaker 1 right? So I'm in the closet for almost three hours at this point. Like, because it's
00:57:26.588 Speaker 1 amazing. Like, whoa. But it's totally lost on me, man. I don't know what the heck is
00:57:31.568 Speaker 1 happening. I'm watching this zooming and going across a black hole event horizon.
00:57:36.888 Speaker 1 There's like all these cones coming out and like, whoa. And I just know, I have this
00:57:41.668 Speaker 1 profound sense that every single one of these impressions means something. They're
00:57:44.788 Speaker 1 like, it's like sacred geometry. Like it all is like describing some beautiful,
00:57:49.128 Speaker 1 amazing truth about the universe. If I could record this, I could sell it for 10
00:57:53.588 Speaker 1 grand because like, I just know that math nerds out there would be like, whoa. Just
00:57:58.888 Speaker 1 like pouring over this. It's just going down the drain for me because it's totally
00:58:02.528 Speaker 1 wasted on me. I'm like, this is some cool fireworks. I know it means something.
00:58:07.148 Speaker 1 Don't know what. And all kinds of crazy stuff. I remember at one point I felt I was
00:58:12.528 Speaker 1 sitting in a cave. I'm sitting in my closet. And so I'm watching this happen. And
00:58:16.508 Speaker 1 there's just like this tidal, like this gush of like rainbow colored liquid that
00:58:21.648 Speaker 1 comes in through the cave, like through the mouth of the cave. And I'm in the cave.
00:58:25.148 Speaker 1 And then it hits me. As it washes over me, I just like feel this like electric like
00:58:30.668 Speaker 1 surge of power. Like it's all information. Every single one of these little
00:58:35.608 Speaker 1 particles is just like hyper dense information. I'm like, whoa. So at some point
00:58:42.068 Speaker 1 I'm like, well, this is cool, but I'm pretty darn tired and I'm getting hungry. So
00:58:47.088 Speaker 1 I'm going to go make a sandwich. So I go make a sandwich. And like the visuals
00:58:53.068 Speaker 1 just kind of fade out, right? You stop paying attention to it. And it's like, all
00:58:55.948 Speaker 1 right, those are gone now. I'm like, well, that was cool. Don't know what that was
00:58:59.548 Speaker 1 about, but that was fun. The weirdest part of it was the state I was in. Like I was
00:59:04.808 Speaker 1 not in some altered state or a liminal state or any sort of trance. It's regular me
00:59:09.548 Speaker 1 in a kind of bad mood. Like that was cool. That probably meant something. So I eat
00:59:14.808 Speaker 1 my sandwich and I go sit in the hammock and I'm like, you know what? I should
00:59:18.468 Speaker 1 probably get out my journal and like draw some of those symbols while I can still
00:59:21.128 Speaker 1 remember them. Like maybe somebody can look them up and like tell me what it means.
00:59:24.688 Speaker 1 So I sit down in the hammock and I'm like, all right, which one should I draw? So I
00:59:28.588 Speaker 1 started sketching and I'm like, what am I doing? Like, it's just me. Like I can just
00:59:32.508 Speaker 1 set an intention. Hey, self, show me the most important one I need to see. And then
00:59:37.928 Speaker 1 I see a symbol. Boy, do I see it. And it snaps into focus real quick. I'm like,
00:59:42.008 Speaker 1 whoa, that was fast.
00:59:44.828 Speaker 1 Okay, cool. So I'm sitting in the hammock and I color in the symbol and I'm looking
00:59:49.408 Speaker 1 at it. And as I stare at it,
00:59:54.148 Speaker 1 I just like start to slip into this weird state, like almost like in awe. And I
00:59:59.248 Speaker 1 utter aloud. So here's the symbol. You guys already got the disclosure on this show.
01:00:04.348 Speaker 1 So, you know, whatever. You don't want to watch this. You already know that you're
01:00:08.588 Speaker 1 moving towards these sorts of states if you're paying attention. So here we go.
01:00:11.448 Speaker 1 Here's the symbol. It's an eye with a boy in chains. So these
01:00:17.208 Speaker 1 bindings. It's a red-eyed reptilian eye wrapped up in chains,
01:00:23.968 Speaker 1 like suspended over this giant eye. And I know the boy is me. And as I'm staring at
01:00:29.668 Speaker 1 it, I utter aloud, I am not the boy. I'm the chains. Like it just comes out of me.
01:00:35.428 Speaker 1 Like, whoa. And then the moment I say that, my entire
01:00:41.128 Speaker 1 experience of like I'm this guy sitting in the hammock. I'll just read the actual
01:00:45.288 Speaker 1 journal. And then my entire experience inverted. A self was the relief, the
01:00:51.368 Speaker 1 hollow spot at the center of me, which was everything else. There is only a
01:00:56.436 Speaker 1 boy-shaped hole in my center. I feel it. I did it. That's what I am.
01:01:02.916 Speaker 1 So I am literally sitting in this hammock, again, stoat cold summer, just kind of
01:01:08.376 Speaker 1 drawing a symbol. And I say these words out loud. And the moment I say them, like
01:01:12.176 Speaker 1 flipping a switch, I am all of my experience around me instantly snapped into
01:01:18.056 Speaker 1 an extreme non-dual state. And I am not just like non-dual aware, like I kind of
01:01:24.036 Speaker 1 feel like I'm everything around me. Like I can intimately tell the trees, the
01:01:27.776 Speaker 1 clouds, the rocks, the hammock, even me, the guy at the center, like it's all me.
01:01:33.796 Speaker 1 Like I have a sense of like it was made out of me. Exactly the same experience that
01:01:39.436 Speaker 1 I had at the end of the reality one-on-one, like what I was being shown. And like,
01:01:44.496 Speaker 1 I'm kind of freaking out. It's like,
01:01:48.316 Speaker 1 it's pretty jarring for that to happen. At the same time, I'm watching a guy freak
01:01:52.616 Speaker 1 out. And I have all these impressions of like his limbs, his body, his emotions, his
01:01:57.776 Speaker 1 thoughts. They're just like all there. But it's so obviously not me. It's just like
01:02:02.396 Speaker 1 a thing that's happening in the same way like a radio playing in a room or a movie
01:02:05.416 Speaker 1 on the wall is not you. It's just happening. Like I am rather fond of
01:02:11.376 Speaker 1 this person, but it's just like a car. It's like a narrative. It's just like a
01:02:14.496 Speaker 1 wrapper. And it's so obvious that these are just a bunch of different impressions
01:02:18.056 Speaker 1 that I've stitched together and called myself. But I am everything around me. And it
01:02:23.976 Speaker 1 is incredibly jarring. And I'm like, and it's all me. And as I'm sitting there,
01:02:28.976 Speaker 1 there's this sudden quiet. Now, normally, at this point in time, I'd gotten better
01:02:33.776 Speaker 1 at it. I can usually reach out to soul families, beard guides, whatever, at least
01:02:37.276 Speaker 1 get something, at least a feeling. It is dead silent. Nothing. Like
01:02:42.936 Speaker 1 bizarrely silent. The whole world feels quiet. Like everyone is just like holding
01:02:48.376 Speaker 1 their breath. And I'm like, what the hell is happening? Because I still have
01:02:52.816 Speaker 1 thoughts, but I'm watching this guy freak out. Like it's so weird. And I
01:02:58.596 Speaker 1 just know that this is an important moment. Anytime there's silence on the set, I'm
01:03:03.895 Speaker 1 like, hmm, this is important. Hold on a second. And as I'm sitting there, I just
01:03:09.536 Speaker 1 decide this is how it really is. This is actually how it is. Like I am my
01:03:15.436 Speaker 1 whole reality. I'm not this guy. I just thought I was. This is true. And the moment
01:03:21.496 Speaker 1 I decided that, I wasn't just saying the words, I decided it. There's like this
01:03:25.936 Speaker 1 collective exhale. I can just feel it. And I can feel this sense of like triumph and
01:03:31.756 Speaker 1 victory. And I'm like, okay, good. Also relief. Like, okay, good. God, he got it.
01:03:37.636 Speaker 1 Okay. Just trying to make sure he got it. Because it wasn't, you can take
01:03:41.496 Speaker 1 psychedelics and get into a weird state, a non-dual state. You can realize, oh, I'm
01:03:45.096 Speaker 1 the universe. But this was profound in that I had realized, not only had
01:03:51.036 Speaker 1 I worked towards this state on my own without any sort of influence
01:03:55.776 Speaker 1 from the outside, but
01:04:00.516 Speaker 1 I knew what it meant. I understood directly. Oh, I'm just everything here. I'm the
01:04:06.296 Speaker 1 rocks. I'm the hammock. And as I was holding the hammock, like in my hands, like I
01:04:11.456 Speaker 1 got it right. Okay, cool. You passed the test. I knew that this was just one test,
01:04:14.976 Speaker 1 that there would be more. But I was feeling it. It's hard to describe how amazing it
01:04:19.856 Speaker 1 was to feel it while awake. Oh my God, it was real. Like four and a half months
01:04:24.576 Speaker 1 later, it finally happened. Okay. That was not just some weird dream or psychedelic.
01:04:30.396 Speaker 1 I'm here like right now feeling it. And I put my hand on the hammock and the hammock
01:04:35.616 Speaker 1 was no more or less me than the hand was. And I could feel it. Like when I was
01:04:41.036 Speaker 1 touching it, I could feel it. Like it was part of me. Not like it. It was. Like
01:04:47.016 Speaker 1 I knew. When this happens, you don't have to guess. You just know. And I could feel
01:04:52.076 Speaker 1 that it loved me. Like it was shocked. Like the stuff that it was made out of was
01:04:56.316 Speaker 1 like a part of me that had been separated for a long time was like, oh, he doesn't
01:04:59.876 Speaker 1 usually realize that we're the same person. And it was like this reunion. Like I'd
01:05:05.236 Speaker 1 come home like, oh, you know. You know now. And it was just like celebrating. It's
01:05:10.756 Speaker 1 so weird. And so for hours after that, like it started to fade. I started
01:05:16.736 Speaker 1 to come back down, reassociate with my body a little bit. But I was just like
01:05:20.876 Speaker 1 glowing. And when I would stop and just like look at things like my desk or the
01:05:24.116 Speaker 1 bowl, it would just, that state would seep back partially. And I would begin to
01:05:28.156 Speaker 1 realize that the bowl was me. Like it was made out of me. Like I could feel it. And
01:05:33.836 Speaker 1 I would get this profound feeling of like love and connection from a bowl on a desk.
01:05:38.876 Speaker 1 And like because it knew and I knew that we were the same thing again. And
01:05:46.876 Speaker 1 it was extremely profound. And I can now reclaim that state on purpose. It takes a
01:05:52.756 Speaker 1 little effort. I don't walk around like that all the time. But once you've done it,
01:05:57.856 Speaker 1 you can do it again. And so this was a major milestone. And I knew what it finally
01:06:02.056 Speaker 1 meant to see. Oh, this is what you meant. In part, you meant for me to
01:06:08.136 Speaker 1 see that you're not the person. You're not a boy in the world. You're the entire
01:06:13.436 Speaker 1 world with a boy shaped hole in the center. Like you thought that you were this
01:06:16.716 Speaker 1 thing walking around in the world, but it's the exact opposite. You're the whole
01:06:19.756 Speaker 1 world, man. You're your whole world. You're a whole reality. This wasn't like, oh,
01:06:24.136 Speaker 1 the rocks or the hammock or the bowl was like, you're technically all the same thing
01:06:28.216 Speaker 1 in a conceptual way. Like, oh, I feel it. Holy crap. We are the
01:06:34.116 Speaker 1 same thing. I can tell. I can feel you and you can feel me. And it's we're the same
01:06:38.416 Speaker 1 person. I couldn't control it, but I was aware of it. And as I've said
01:06:44.136 Speaker 1 before, awareness precedes control.
01:06:48.136 Speaker 1 So yeah, that was the finale there for the arc is that I finally in a waking
01:06:53.956 Speaker 1 state got to see that I was in fact my whole reality. And now I know it is true on
01:06:59.136 Speaker 1 another level. It wasn't something that was shown to me, something that I did and
01:07:02.956 Speaker 1 can do again in the same way that I can do mindsight. I can turn it on.
01:07:10.076 Speaker 1 And it's
01:07:12.676 Speaker 1 really the big reason behind doing the show. I want to get people to that point
01:07:18.316 Speaker 1 where they can feel it because it is incredible to be
01:07:23.636 Speaker 1 able to look at something or touch it or just sit there and feel,
01:07:29.756 Speaker 1 oh my God, it's me. All of this stuff. When you're eating food, you're eating
01:07:33.436 Speaker 1 yourself. When you look at your computer, you're looking at yourself. It's all you.
01:07:37.836 Speaker 1 But not just like being told that, but like feeling it without a doubt. Like,
01:07:44.376 Speaker 1 oh, this is true. It's happening right now. Like I can feel that it is. I want
01:07:50.416 Speaker 1 as many people who want to realize that to have that experience too. So there's the
01:07:56.456 Speaker 1 finale for this one part of the curriculum. If you only get there, man, I highly
01:08:02.216 Speaker 1 recommend it to anybody.
01:08:10.936 Speaker 2 This is Reality 101. Until next time.
01:08:14.936 Speaker 1 Nothing is impossible. You're not going to die. And everything loves you.